April 21, 2014 – Ken Burns

The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 10091 (April 21, 2014)
GUESTS: Ken Burns
SEGMENTS: Intro – 4/21/14 | Al Qaeda’s Overly-Public Pep Rally | Hillary Clinton’s Grandmother Status | Stephen Colbert’s Bats**t Serious – Hillary Clinton Shoe-spiracy Theory | Extreme Measures for Boosting Church Attendance | Ken Burns | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Grey Suit | Light Grey Shirt | Navy Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Monday, April 21, 2014

Intro – 4/21/14

Tonight, troubling rumors about Hillary Clinton. I heard she slept with a former president. Then, how can churches attract new members? Get ready for log flume baptism. And my guest, acclaimed documentarian Ken Burns has a new film about the Gettysburg Address. I give it four score out of five. Oscar Mayer is recalling 96, 000 pounds of hotdogs for containing cheese. A hot dog made with an identifiable food? Gross!

Al Qaeda’s Overly-Public Pep Rally

Stephen Colbert on the Yeman drone strike

“US Intelligence analysts are examining a video that appears to show the largest Al Qaeda gathering in years. The recording recently appeared on Jihadist websites. [...] This video is part Al Qaeda pep rally and part propaganda tape.”

  • And this pep rally propaganda or ‘prepa-ganda’, has been a huge viral success, especially to those Jihadists who’ve been waiting for a sequel to their first hit, ‘Monkey Bars’.

“Yemeni officials are calling the operation ‘massive and unprecedented’. Killing at least sixty-five militants.”

  • Folks, let this be a lesson to everyone out there. Terrorists, but also teens, be careful, what you post on social media. Remember, it seems innocent enough but it will be out there for the rest of your life. Which for these guys was about five days.
  • If you really must upload your embarrassing party video, make sure geo tagging is off. Then post it where you’re sure no one will see it. Like Google Plus.

Hillary Clinton’s Grandmother Status

  • Now Nation, I don’t mean to alarm you, but Hillary Clinton continues to exist.
  • She is the biggest threat to Republicans in 2016 other than Republicans in 2014.

“We’ve been anticipating an announcement about Hillary Clinton’s future, and today we got one. She’s going to be a grandmother.”

  • Now, obviously news of a grandchild is a joyous occasion. So I just want to take a moment right now to put politics aside and offer the Clinton family a heart felt congratulations … for such a shrewd political move.

Fox News: I think a lot of this maybe was planned.”

Stephen Colbert on Grandma Clinton

  • Yes, maybe all this was planned. And we all know that only the most devious people would plan a pregnancy. [...] Not even Barack Obama stooped to becoming a grandmother.
  • If it was planned, the child would be born around the Iowa Caucuses. I mean what a waste of a perfectly good pregnancy.
  • But that’s not the only big news to come out of Hillary’s still mulling over whether this is a campaign. Last week she was viciously attacked.

“Hillary Clinton found herself under fire as the keynote speaker at the Las Vegas convention of the scrap recycling industry. A women in the audience threw a shoe as Clinton was speaking yesterday.”

  • Now folks, I do not trust Hillary Clinton and there’s a ton of person who agrees with me.

Rush Limbaugh: We had a call yesterday … and basically this women’s theory is that Mrs Clinton staged the whole incident where somebody threw a shoe at her.”

Stephen Colbert eyebrows

  • Of course it could have been staged! I mean, think about it … She was standing … On a stage …

Stephen Colbert’s Bats**t Serious – Hillary Clinton Shoe-spiracy Theory

  • Now, we may know the footwear but we’re still trying to figure out the foot-why.

“Rush Limbaugh: I don’t know why anybody would be throwing a show at Hillary Clinton unless maybe it’s an attempt to make the Benghazi people look like nuts and lunatics and wackos. Even if it had anything to do with that, which I don’t know.”

 Hillary Clinton Shoe-spiracy Theory

  • Yes, it’s all part of Hillary’s plan to make the Benghazi people look like wackos.
  • Herman Cain linked to his website where a blogger noted, that she does put her hands up to protect herself, and she doesn’t duck out of the way until the shoe is already passed her.
  • Anyone who’s thrown a shoe at a sixty-six year old women knows they react with cobra speed.

“Remembering the Bush incident, she may have calculated that this would make her seem presidential.”

  • Yes, yes. She has stolen President Bush’s most presidential moment. The only way Hillary Clinton could seem more like a leader … Is if she choked on a pretzel while falling off a segway.

Extreme Measures for Boosting Church Attendance

  • Sadly, recent pew research from the Pew Research Center found that the percentage of Americans who say they “seldom’ or ‘never’ attend religious services has risen.
  • People aren’t going to church. Evidently, somebody blabbed about the ‘God is everywhere’ loophole.
  • This year, some churches began spending money on giveaways and prizes in hopes of boosting attendance on Easter Sunday.
  • At last … prizes. What else were they going to lure people in with? The promise of unconditional love and eternal salvation? They gave that out last year.
  • According to The New York Times a small but growing number of Evangelical Churches have embraced mixed martial arts to reach and convert young men. That makes sense. It’s just like Jesus said:

“If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek, then keep turning until you deliver a roundhouse kick to his jaw. HAW! – Matthew 5:39

  • But we’ve missed the most central question of all:

“Can you love your neighbour as yourself and then at the same time knee him in the face as hard as you can?”

Stephen Colberts neighbour

  • Yes, you can. Especially if he keeps raking his leaves into your yard. This is the last warning Allen!

Interview – Ken Burns

Ken Burns on The Colbert Report 2014

7 thoughts on “April 21, 2014 – Ken Burns

  1. I adored that church segment. Especially about his neighbor raking leaves into his yard.

    Okay, IMPORTANT QUESTION: Where is his WristStrong bracelet and what does the green one say?

    Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +3

  2. It’s great to have the show back. I particularly missed it during the break, and it was so great to see Stephen return with so much energy!

    The Hillary impression was both hilarious and creepy. I don’t know what rock I’ve been under, but I hadn’t heard a thing about her new nana status or the flying shoe incident, but boy did Stephen let them have it. Nice work writers!!

    Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +2

    • samesies. i truly get all my news from Colbewart. how about just “congratulations, Chelsea!” that would pretty much be it, talking heads. get it together.

      Tip of the Hat! Thumb up 0

  3. Part of me couldn’t help but laugh at the idea of churches giving away things to get people to attend. First it was guns, now it’s MMA.

    Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +2

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