January 8, 2014 – Ishmael Beah

The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 10043 (January 8, 2014)
GUEST: Ishmael Beah
SEGMENTS: Intro – 1/8/14 | Chris Christie & The George Washington Bridge Scandal | Cheating Death – Robo-Sperm & Health Roulette | The Polar Vortex & Fruit Tools | Sign Off – Cold Weather Fruit Hammer
SUIT REPORT: Dark Grey Suit | White Shirt | Candy Cane Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Tonight’s show had bull sperm, on demand “doctors”, hard fruit and Chris Christie in a hot tub. Have I peaked your interest? Read on…

Intro – 1/8/14

“Tonight, A new breakthrough in medicine, a pill that doesn’t give you a boner.

Then, America is enveloped in record cold. Luckily, Americans are enveloped in record fat.

And my guest Ishmael Beah was a child soldier, still better adjusted than a child actor.

Happy Birthday to North Korea’s Kim Jong Un. Please accept our gift of Dennis Rodman. No Returns! This is The Colbert Report.”

Chris Christie & The George Washington Bridge Scandal

Apparently Chris Christie closed down lanes on the GW Bridge in retaliation for the Mayor of Fort Lee, NJ not endorsing him. Well, that’s the rumor.

Chris Christie bridge controversy“The President of The United States of New Jersey, Chris Christie is in hot water. Okay, hold on, I just pictured him in a hot tub. Shake it off.”


“Rest assured I am going to go extremely easy on this man because I am a commuter and do not wish to get on his bad side. Not to imply that he has a bad side, all your sides are wonderful sir.”

Stephen does live in New Jersey so yeah, I wouldn’t want to piss off Christie either.

Cheating Death – Robo-Sperm & Health Roulette

“As always, Cheating Death is brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Prescott…Look for us in your spam folder.”

There is a new technology breakthrough that uses bull sperm to deliver medication to different parts of the body.

“It could deliver anxiety medication right to your brain, which you will need after learning that there is sperm in your brain.”

Oh yeah, did we mention it comes from bull sperm?

“Ladies, the good news is there’s help for your infertility. The bad news is you’re having a minotaur. That’s right! Look at you! We’re gonna build you a labyrinth.”

Stephen Colbert on infertilityThen the good folks at Prescott came out with a new version of Formula 401 made with Robo-Sperm.

Stephen Colberts Formula 401Then the next Cheating Death story was about a new app called Doctor on Demand. There’s nothing that could go wrong with that, right?

It allows you to talk to a doctor over your android phone, iphone or PC. I shudder to walk into a library or public place someday, and see this:

Doctor on Demand AppI can’t see too many people using this as a replacement for actually seeing a doctor, but you never know.

“Do you really think your doctor enjoys cupping your balls? No. Now he can watch you do it yourself. Hey, if you get really good at it, I know a site that’ll pay you forty dollars to do it on camera.”

The Polar Vortex & Fruit Tools

The first time I saw that video of someone throwing boiling water up into super frigid air, it was pretty cool. Apparently a lot of reporters don’t watch Youtube and haven’t seen the 50 other videos that people have posted, doing that very thing.

One brave reporter tried something different though. She put a banana outside until it froze up and then demonstrated how you can use a frozen banana as a hammer to hammer in a nail.

Polar Vortex Weather Reports“She’s hammering the banana, oh I understand. By the way, if you’re gonna hammer the banana make sure you’re alone because my college roommate walked in on me once, it was very embarrassing.”

Interview – Ishmael Beah

I like how it started off. Not sure if this was intentional or not…

Stephen: Mr. Beah, may I call you Ishmael?
Ishmael: Yes, Call me Ishmael.

Between the ages of 13 and 16 Ishmael was a child soldier in Sierra Leone.

Stephen: Where is Sierra Leone because I didn’t know it was a country.
Ishmael: Most people don’t actually.
Stephen: It sounded like a make of station wagon to me.

Ishmael Beah Colbert Report interviewHis first book was called “Long Way Gone” and his latest book is called “Radiance of Tomorrow”.

When he flew into New York for the first time the plane was freezing and he related how he thought after he survived the war, he’s going to die on the cold plane.

Stephen: Were you in coach?
Ishmael: We were in coach.
Stephen: Sorry, I’m so sorry.

It’s hard to complain about my petty life after listening to someone talk about being a child soldier after their family was killed and they were recruited into the military at age 13 in order to survive.

Sign Off – Cold Weather Fruit Hammer

Stephen closes the show by demonstrating his fruit hammer.

Stephen Colbert fruit hammer

  • CN Helper

    What a great Cheating Death! It’s becoming one of my favorite segments. And Matt Lappin was hilarious as always. He is such a good sport to play such ugly but hilarious characters.

  • lockhart43

    Now I know why a friend of mine was telling me how much she was laughing when she watched this episode when it aired, it had a Cheating Death segment! Cheating Death will always be one of my favorites – it’s always guaranteed to be hilarious. I mean c’mon, robo-sperm? It’s like the scientists were writing this episode for them!

  • I think Formula 401 is fast becoming one of my favourite props on the show. And Ishmael Beah is such a delightful guest, I could easily have listened to him speak for hours. I do wish TCR would put up extended interviews like TDS!

  • Did anyone buy this episode on iTunes? I meant to but I forgot. If you did, I would be more than happy to pay for a copy.