EPISODE NUMBER: 10043 (January 8, 2014)
GUEST: Ishmael Beah
STAFF CAMEO: Matt Lapin
SEGMENTS: Intro – 1/8/14 | Chris Christie & The George Washington Bridge Scandal | Cheating Death – Robo-Sperm & Health Roulette | The Polar Vortex & Fruit Tools | Sign Off – Cold Weather Fruit Hammer
SUIT REPORT: Dark Grey Suit | White Shirt | Candy Cane Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Tonight’s show had bull sperm, on demand “doctors”, hard fruit and Chris Christie in a hot tub. Have I peaked your interest? Read on…
Intro – 1/8/14
“Tonight, A new breakthrough in medicine, a pill that doesn’t give you a boner.
Then, America is enveloped in record cold. Luckily, Americans are enveloped in record fat.
And my guest Ishmael Beah was a child soldier, still better adjusted than a child actor.
Happy Birthday to North Korea’s Kim Jong Un. Please accept our gift of Dennis Rodman. No Returns! This is The Colbert Report.”
Chris Christie & The George Washington Bridge Scandal
Apparently Chris Christie closed down lanes on the GW Bridge in retaliation for the Mayor of Fort Lee, NJ not endorsing him. Well, that’s the rumor.
“Rest assured I am going to go extremely easy on this man because I am a commuter and do not wish to get on his bad side. Not to imply that he has a bad side, all your sides are wonderful sir.”
Stephen does live in New Jersey so yeah, I wouldn’t want to piss off Christie either.
Cheating Death – Robo-Sperm & Health Roulette
“As always, Cheating Death is brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Prescott…Look for us in your spam folder.”
There is a new technology breakthrough that uses bull sperm to deliver medication to different parts of the body.
“It could deliver anxiety medication right to your brain, which you will need after learning that there is sperm in your brain.”
Oh yeah, did we mention it comes from bull sperm?
“Ladies, the good news is there’s help for your infertility. The bad news is you’re having a minotaur. That’s right! Look at you! We’re gonna build you a labyrinth.”
It allows you to talk to a doctor over your android phone, iphone or PC. I shudder to walk into a library or public place someday, and see this:
“Do you really think your doctor enjoys cupping your balls? No. Now he can watch you do it yourself. Hey, if you get really good at it, I know a site that’ll pay you forty dollars to do it on camera.”
The Polar Vortex & Fruit Tools
The first time I saw that video of someone throwing boiling water up into super frigid air, it was pretty cool. Apparently a lot of reporters don’t watch Youtube and haven’t seen the 50 other videos that people have posted, doing that very thing.
One brave reporter tried something different though. She put a banana outside until it froze up and then demonstrated how you can use a frozen banana as a hammer to hammer in a nail.
Interview – Ishmael Beah
I like how it started off. Not sure if this was intentional or not…
Stephen: Mr. Beah, may I call you Ishmael?
Ishmael: Yes, Call me Ishmael.
Between the ages of 13 and 16 Ishmael was a child soldier in Sierra Leone.
Stephen: Where is Sierra Leone because I didn’t know it was a country.
Ishmael: Most people don’t actually.
Stephen: It sounded like a make of station wagon to me.
When he flew into New York for the first time the plane was freezing and he related how he thought after he survived the war, he’s going to die on the cold plane.
Stephen: Were you in coach?
Ishmael: We were in coach.
Stephen: Sorry, I’m so sorry.
It’s hard to complain about my petty life after listening to someone talk about being a child soldier after their family was killed and they were recruited into the military at age 13 in order to survive.
Sign Off – Cold Weather Fruit Hammer
Stephen closes the show by demonstrating his fruit hammer.