EPISODE NUMBER: 9139 (August 13, 2013)
GUESTS: Rep. John Lewis | Steven Pinker
SEGMENTS: Stop-and-Frisk & Low-Level Drug Crimes | TSA Expansion Program | TSA Expansion Program – Steven Pinker | John Lewis Pt. 1 | John Lewis Pt. 2 | Sign Off – “The Better Angels of Our Nature”
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Shirt | Blue/Silver Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Stop-and-Frisk & Low-Level Drug Crimes
- That’s right folks, some unelected activist judge has rejected ‘Stop and Frisk’ on the bizarre theory that minorities have a constitutional right not to be stopped ta random and manhandled by strangers.
- Despite the fact that when the constitution was written, minorities weren’t even invented yet.
- In fact, I don’t see colour. Not even my own. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because I don’t get frisked.
- No jail time, just rehab. It’s like every minor drug offender suddenly became a white college student.
TSA Expansion Program
- Thankfully there is always one group that is dishing out the frisky buffet, the TSA. They have the safety of this nation on the palm of their hands … also your genitals.
- That’s right, TSA agents are headed to our stadiums, music festivals and passenger trains. And the hiring process should be easy, since there’s already plenty of guys on the subway ready to give pat downs.
- A word of advice for bronco’s. Those horse shoes are going to be a nightmare at the metal detectors, so invest in some crocs now.
- There’s no ‘e’ in that word [VIPR], because it was detained for appearing twice in the word ‘Yemen’.
TSA Expansion Program – Steven Pinker
Steven Pinker: Three thousand people die each year from drowning. Three hundred of those in bath tubs.
Stephen Colbert: Why isn’t the TSA giving me sponge baths?
SP: Could we have spent that trillion dollars in other ways?
SC: Like in alternates to bathing?
SC: If the world is a safer place, why can still die?
SP: You’re more likely to die in a car accident than a terrorist attack. You’re more likely to die falling off a ladder.
SC: Should we be invading Ladderstan?
SC: You said that the number of people who have died in terrorist attacks is fewer than the number whose pyjamas have caught on fire.
SP: Yes, every year but 1995 and 2001.
SC: Are pyjamas the original sleeper cell?
Interview – John Lewis
Stephen Colbert: I was at the “I Have a Dream” speech, so don’t feel all high and mighty.
John Lewis: Did you hear me?
SC: Yeah, it was a little muffled. I’m not sure I had developed ears yet.
JL: [At the “I Have a Dream” Speech,] I spoke number six and Dr. King spoke number ten.
SC: Okay, so you were the sixth person to speak. If I’m not mistaken, near the end of your speech, you kept saying, “Wake up.”
JL: I said, “Wake up. Wake up, America. Wake up.”
SC: And [MLK] said, “I have a dream,” sp weren’t you fighting each other?
SC: I don’t know if you saw the show earlier, but I don’t see race. I don’t know if I’m white or if I’m black. I assume you’re black because I have desire to frisk you right now.