February 26, 2013 — Dr Michio Kaku

The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 9067 (February 26, 2013)
GUESTS: Dr. Michio Kaku | Jeremy Bird
SEGMENTS: Intro – 2/26/13 | Popewatch Indeschism 2013 – One Pope over the Line | Battleground Texas – Jeremy Bird | Drone Ducking Tips | Michio Kaku | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | White Pin Stripped Shirt | Red Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, February 26, 2013

So great that Dr. Michio Kaku was able to sweep in, in the last moment to replace Dr. Francis Collins. The Update is IN!

Intro – 2/26/13

The Colbert Report opening February 26

Typical to their MO, Texas goes big, with a battleground political movement. Stephen introduces Dr. Kaku and his plan to solve global warming. Are Meteors going to make people de-invest in sky-front property? And exactly what is Icelandic Porn; do they do it in bulky sweaters? Has anyone else noticed that Stephen hasn’t had a WristStrong bracelet in his sleeve lately?

Popewatch Indeschism 2013 – One Pope over the Line

Stephen AKA, Cardinal of Basic Cable, calls his Popwatch Indeschism 2013! The threat of having two Popes in the Vatican does set up a Theological dilemma of infallibility. “One Pope over the line sweet Jesus, one Pope over the line!” nods to Brewer & Shipley (thanks, Karenatasha) … Like Gathom with multiple Batmans!” Ya, two media characters wearing strange costumes for no apparent reason!

Bat PopeBut then Stephen goes on to set up the awkward possibility of meeting up with them both and getting Double Poped aka DP’ed! (Had to look up DP, LOL). But you will be able to tell the Old Pope from the New Pope as the old one will not be wearing red shoes and they will take away his ring, his precious, precious ring.

Gollum as the Pope

Battleground Texas – Jeremy Bird

Messing with Texas? “Demographic shifts” appear to be undermining the Republican’s effort to keep America white and male. Obama’s Minority Out Reach Around Guru: Jeremy Bird is leading the Battleground Texas and their theme song could be Lyle Lovett’s, “You’re not from Texas! But Texas wants you anyway!

If Texas doesn’t secede before the next election, can they really flip Texas? You know, flip them by flipping the Bird! Stephen calls Jeremy on his euphemism, “Demographics” with the great quote, “Some of my best friends are Demographics.” Jeremy Bird says it is not about demographic shifts but rather about getting all the voters to the polls but we know, it will only work if they have ID s or the “turn out” will be “turned out.”

Jeremy Bird on The Colbert ReportJeremy Bird throws around the word “gerrymander” which Stephen says is a harsh but accurate word and Stephen wins a $100 bet that Mr. Bird can’t get President Obama re-elected. Ah, but he get Michelle Obama elected? I hear she is a Demographic!

Drone Ducking Tips

Stephen Colbert on dronesWith Death Fans in the house, Stephen drones on about Obama’s robo-assassination spree and asks “What are your Drone Ducking Tips!” Look for some fine seat dancing in this act. Al Qaeda has a liberal peace-humpers’ recruitment scheme! As one Drone Tip is to hide under trees, Stephen proclaims that our Drone Program is a secret re-forestation program!

“Think locally, bomb globally!” Keep looking up!

Interview – Michio Kaku

“Asteroid Apocalypse” is the subject of Dr. Kaku’s NewsWeek article. Surprise! There is a still a NewsWeek! This is return visit by Dr. Kaku; so glad Stephen is feeling better this time. We know we have terms like quarks and but Dr. Kaku coins the technical term “City-buster.” Showing his theoretical physic’s prowess, he can do the math and the dodge bullet, theoretically.

Michio Kaku on The Colbert Report Stephen asks for clarification of asteroids “may hit us” and asks if we can make our atmosphere more slippery? Dr. Kaku is advocating that we work out how to nudge asteroids to change their obits. Stephen asks astutely where in space is something you push against in order to nudge an asteroid?

  • CN Helper

    Great ep. Favorite line: “Remember, think locally, bomb globally.” Pretty much sums up U.S. foreign policy. Dr. Michio was pretty cool as well, although this talk of asteroids is sort of pants-wetting, IMHO.

    It was nice to see Jeremy Bird after getting all that spam email from him during the election. I think “Battleground Texas” is a great idea. I wonder if Stephen was thinking of Lulu’s campaign as he was talking about turning red districts blue. Go SC 1 all the way!!

  • Katt

    A juicy little tidbit from tonight’s taping:

    After Tuesday’s show, Stephen taped a fake interview for a TV show Garry Trudeau is writing for Amazon (‘Alpha House’). He interviewed an actor playing a senator people think is gay and in the closet. He goes on the show to dispel the image of him not being manly enough because he is being challenged in his primary. Stephen and the actor improved about 10mins like a real interview. At the end, they both said they wrestled in school so they bring out a mat. While Stephen is tucking his tie into his shirt he asks the “senator” if he’s “Top or bottom?” The senator hesitates and says “Top.” Then Stephen got on all fours on the mat and the “senator” got down and kind of gingerly wrapped his arms around Stephen’s torso. Then they wrestled. It was very homoerotic and hilarious. The audience was creaming with laughter and almost fell out of their chairs. Garry Trudeau was there and he was thrilled too. At the end, Stephen took one more question. A guy in the audience asked “So are you a top now?” And Stephen says “I’ve always been a sub,” waved, and left.

  • applepies

    “I’ve always been a sub.”

    Fanfic writers, ACTIVATE!

  • Karenatasha

    @Katt

    “The audience was CREAMING with laughter”!!!!
    I’m not touching that with a 10-foot pole. 😉

  • Mrc

    @Katt
    Thanks for that bit of info.

    @applepies
    Just for fun, I searched ‘Stephen Colbert’ on FanFiction site. I think I’m gonna need brain bleach to forget some stuff I have read there. 🙂

  • llama

    That lucky audience. Will we all get to see this dream I once had wrestling thing? 😉 *fingers crossed*