February 20, 2013 — David Goldhill

The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 9064 (February 20, 2013)
GUEST: David Goldhill | Alexi Lalas
SEGMENTS: U.K. Horse Meat Scandal | Sport Report – International Soccer Corruption | Sport Report – International Soccer Corruption – Alexi Lalas | Norway’s “National Firewood Night” | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | Light blue shirt | Red tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Silvio Berlusconi tainted meat

Yes, someone in Europe is trying to slip you their tainted meat. And for once it’s not Silvio Berlusconi … He has been known to yank his meat right of the shelf.

Europe horse meat

Now this is a complex story folks, so let me back up and explain how this horse scandal went down. *bell rings* Annnnnd there off!! First, horse meat was discovered in a British supermarket, but Britain rounded the bend, and laid the blame on an Irish supplier, who said they got it from Poland, Poland denies it annnnd here’s France coming up strong with their own horse meat scandal, selling horse meat to England and Sweden, but France falls behind and lays the blame on Cyprus. Cyprus now in the lead with the blame, but what’s this, what’s this, out of nowhere on the last leg Cyprus says they got they meat from a Dutch company, who said they got it from, who’s that, who’s that it’s Romania. ROMANIA TAKES THE BLAME!!

Stephen Colbert on horse meat

Frankly I don’t see why we feel guilty when we eat horse. We’re quite happy to consume the rest of Noah’s Ark.

Cheetah Melt

There is nothing wrong with eating horse burgers. Fast food should be made of fast animals. Oh, oh, I could go for a double ‘Cheetah Melt’.

Obama on Football

Oh really Sir! Well football doesn’t want your imaginary son, cause he throws like an imaginary girl.

Stephen Colbert on soccer

Now folks, I’m no fan, but soccer is Europe’s favourite sport … right behind competitive three-ways. Incredible ball handling.

The Colbert Report on soccer

Which goes to show, no one man can be more corrupt, than soccer can be boring.

Alexi Lalas on The Colbert Report

Oooooooh!! What!! No one’s going to call that!?!

The Very Angry Potato

Everyone in the TV business knows the best way to create a hit show, is not to create one. Instead, important a hit show from oversees. NBC’s ‘The Office’ came from Britain’s ‘The Office’, and ‘Homeland’ came from the Israeli show ‘Hatufim’. And Chris Matthews ‘Hardball’ was adapted from the Irish children’s program ‘The Very Angry Potato’.

So You Think You Can Watch Paint Dry

Well folks, I’ve got my eye on a wildly popular program from Norway called, ‘National Firewood Night’ … ‘which consisted mostly of people in parkas chatting and chopping in the woods and then eight hours of a fire burning in a fire place’. It destroyed the other top Norwegian shows like, ‘So You Think You Can Watch Paint Dry’ and ‘The Amazing Glacier Race’.

Big Brother Fire Marshal

I actually used to have a fire place before it got shut down by Big Brother Fire Marshal, just because it had no “chimney”, and the carbon monoxide was “killing” my audience.

Stephen Colbert on Norwegian wood

And then there you are with all this wood … and … yet no warmth. It burns.

Stephen Colbert wood

And it burns.

Stephen Colbert ashes in the wind

And then it’s gone. Ashes in the wind …… *whispers* I miss you. I miss you when I am with you.

The Colbert Report fire place

And into the fire you go.

David Goldhill on The Colbert Report

Why are you trying to fix sick people? Aren’t sick people home from work your core audience?

  • Victoria

    Great show! My friend and I attended the taping last night…and sat in the front row! 🙂

    More to come; I will be posting a ReporT in the next day or so! 🙂

    • CN Helper

      That’s terrific! Can’t wait to read the reporT! Hope you had a great time.

  • Caroline

    Loved Stephen’s horse-racing call, even if it did seem to do a number on his voice.

    As a soccer fan, I was on Alexi Lalas’s side. But Alexi is right – you can’t *make* someone love the game. I fear Stephen will never be converted. Too bad – there was a great upset in Champions League yesterday – AC Milan 2, Barcelona 0. Anyone else see it?

    Victoria – looking forward to your taping report!

  • Katt


    Argh!! You totally ruined the score!! That match is on tonight here.

  • Mr. Arkadin

    I initially laugh at how stupid it was for 20% of Norway to be watching a show about firewood. Then it dawned on me I live in a country that watches “Hoarders” and Honey Boo Boo and I joined Stephen in crying.

    The interview with Goldhill made me uncomfortable. Given that the subject of Goldhill’s book is the death of his father though malpractice. Should “Stephen”/Stephen have be so glib? It was so unlike Stephen to be that way. That I was taken aback.

    I’m looking forward to you report Victoria!

  • Karenatasha

    I’m going to be a little contrary today. I thought Jon was on fire last night–especially in his savage takedown of John McCain–while Stephen was surprisingly tame in contrast. Yes, it was reasonably funny and enjoyable (Stephen is never less than that), but not the sharpest of his shows, and totally devoid of good political commentary. I like the fake crying, but unfortunately it’s not as effective two days in a row.

    @Mr. Arkadin
    Mr. Arkadin, I haven’t read the book. Was it malpractice or perhaps just not the best of care? Getting an infection at a hospital is too frequent, not least because the population there is already vulnerable, but I don’t know the whole story. I did think that Goldhill was not the clearest about what he wanted to have happen.

  • Karenatasha

    And, oh: I love football/soccer. It’s a matter of caring about the game, not just the score.

  • Mr. Arkadin


    I haven’t read the book either. But you are probably right that “malpractice” is to strong a word.

    I Don’t disagree with you that TCR was not at it’s satirical best when it comes to politics last night. But I found it funny none the less. In a content-free kinda of way. Sometime a little filler can cleanse the palette and make the greatness all that much more delicious!

    Ha! WTF did I just write! Now that’s some major league (steroid enhanced!) purple prose!

    Moving on: Is there really a “John McCain” to be savagely taken down any more? I’m not trying to be contentious or mean. You know I’m crazy about you! I just think McCain is such a self-parody of what he stood for back in 2000 (When honestly, I would have voted for him if he’d the [email protected] to run as an independent.) that he’s beyond satirizing or shaming. No one outside the moronic beltway press takes him seriously anymore. Even his own supporters heckle him at his town hall meeting now. He’s done.
    So I didn’t find Jon all that impressive last night.

  • Caroline

    Sorry, Katt!I thought everyone would have seen the game by now. That’s a long tape delay. Anyway, I won’t do that again (with the upcoming games).

  • Karenatasha

    @Mr. Arkadin
    I get your point, but actually do think that as long as McCain is one of the many Repugs helping to bring government at a standstill and block nominations, he is worthy of mockery. No matter what, he’s still a major voice and I do think that his little comment about “payback” is an accurate reflection of the Republican position. (One that no one else was addled enough to address directly.)

    And I’d NEVER think you were being contentious or mean! 🙂