EPISODE NUMBER: 9063 (February 19, 2013)
GUEST: Emily Bazelon
SEGMENTS: Russian Meteor Strike | Colbert Platinum – Huayra Sports Car, Phil Mickelson & Belle Isle | Obama’s Secretive Golf Outing | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Soft Grey suit jacket | light blue dress shirt | Red and dark blue striped tie with accent white stripes.
VIDEOS: Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Stephen tries to huff the audience’s energy:
Russian Meteor Strike
Those videos were unbelievable. Who knew so many Russians had dash mounted cameras? I was watching the compilation of the videos and it struck me that none of those people driving along seeing it, were reacting to it. (shrugs)
One eyewitness said it was like watching “Terminator 4”.
“Yes, this fireball was just like Terminator 4, except people saw it”
True, in that I didn’t even know there was a Terminator 4.
“Folks, the Earth is under attack from giant space rocks. The dinosaurs tried to warn us by being dead.”
“All weekend I was down in the bunker watching these incredible YouTube clips of the meteor streaking across the sky and exploding. It’s actually replaced my previous favorite video: an adorable kitten streaking across the sky and exploding.”
So why do so many Russians have dash mounted cameras? Apparently to document corruption and from the looks of it, insurance scammers who pretend to be hit by oncoming cars. One man literally pretends to be hit by jumping on the hood of a car that was about to hit him.
“That man lost his personal injury lawsuit, but he did win the coveted ‘Scammy’ award for best actor on a sedan”
So NASA is doing something about it. They released footage on Monday to show how they are trying to fend off attacks from space rocks. It involves tortillas. This guy is making a sandwich. Initially I wasn’t going to do a screencap of this but something on the wall in the background caught my eye.
So considering it’s the international space station, is that in miles or kilometers? That kinda struck me as hilarious.
Once Stephen mentioned NASA and the lack of ability to fend off asteroids, I knew this was coming:
“Evidently their asteroid detection program hasn’t been updated since the early 1980’s”
Colbert Platinum – Huayra Sports Car, Phil Mickelson & Belle Isle
Yeah, it’s back. Stephen had said that they stopped doing CP because they could see that the audiences were getting depressed by it. I guess that means the economy is getting better. The stock market sure is doing well, and we all know that if the stock market is doing well we are all doing well, right? Of course right!
“Thanks to Obama’s socialist policies”, the stock market had bottomed out at 6500. Well now, “no thanks to Obama’s socialist policies,” the stock market is at a record high.
“Ladies and Gentleman, 14,036…dow…units……Downtons? I don’t have to tell you what that means. Do I? I don’t? Good.”
Well, it means that it’s time for all of us to start seeing some trickling down, eh? Sure.
“This segment is for platinum members only. So if your personal food taster doesn’t also have a personal trainer, why don’t you run along and see if your local Val-pak has a coupon for irregular hamburger meat.”
In the first story, Stephen looks at a car that costs more than most people have paid for their houses. It’s called the Pagani Huayra. It costs 1.2 million, can go as fast as 230 m.p.h. and has side mirrors that kinda look like those things from ‘War of the Worlds’. They also have a warning:
Don’t they look just like the things from ‘War of the Worlds’? Or one of those ’50′s alien invasion sci-fi movies, right?
It hasn’t been approved to drive on U.S. roads. Those silly laws that prevent you from driving on open roads as if you were a NASCAR driver on a closed track, C’MON! Where’s our freedom?
“Any schmo can have a car than can take you places, but only the truly elite can afford a 1.2 million dollar cupholder”
Next up on CP, Phil Mickelson’s got his putters in a bunch over California’s tax rate. He is taxed at something around 60%. So he’s threatening to pull up stakes or retire. “Mickelback” makes 60mil a year and so I guess the 20 mil or so, that’s leftover after he pays his taxes, is not enough to survive so it’s adios? maybe?
“Do you know what happens if Phil Mickelson isn’t here to win those millions of dollars? Someone else will.”
Stephen suggests he can move to Belle Isle, the subject of the last story. It’s an island off of Detroit that an investor is trying to turn into a place where people don’t have to pay taxes. Do we think that the super rich are going to want to live that close to Detroit? I guess we’ll see.
“[Belle Isle] is considered the jewel of Detroit. No surprise, Belle means beautiful and Isle means ‘not connected to Detroit’” (cue minor, almost character break)
The guy who is trying to make Belle Isle a reality has a name that is comedy gold:
“…and now it’s about to get better thanks to Libertarian investor and doubly named porn star, Rod Lockwood”
(cue picture of Jon Stewart looking heavenward and saying ‘thank you’)
Mr. Lockwood has written a book about Belle Isle and he claims that buying it and making it a place where people won’t contribute taxes to the city, will somehow help the city.
“Yes, it will greatly help Detroit. Because what that city needs is a pristine, private island that they can see from the bars of their post-industrial hellscape.”
Obama’s Secretive Golf Outing
I don’t get people sometimes. The press thinks that they have the right to be with the Prez every minute throughout the day. Pssst…the POTUS can do things without having them reported on. JSYK.
Obama went on a golf outing with Tiger Woods, and the press got all whiney for not letting them get pics and interviews and basically turning a non-event into something. I guess the press really is in love with Obama. They’re acting all jealous and stuff.
Well, folks…We want answers.
“Folks, there are a lot of holes in this story, specifically, 18 of them.”
“Did he hit from the ladies’ tee? Did he replace his divots, or did he send Susan Rice to cover them up? (audience groan) Oh yeah, you’re just as upset as I am, I can tell.”
“I have it on good authority that multiple times a day he locks himself in a small tiled room.”
“Sometimes he enters with great urgency only to emerge later with a look of serenity. All we know is by the time he leaves the Sudoku is finished.”
This bit is so chock full of puns, I’m surprised Stephen didn’t have another break.
That was a fun interview and she is definitely an it-getter and a good sport to play along. She came on to talk about her new book “Sticks and Stones” about trying to prevent bullying. She talked a little about what exactly bullying is, empathy and sociopaths.
Emily: A sociopath is someone who can never feel empathy and who’ll grow up and be completely cold forever…
Stephen: Like Tucker Carlson.
She shared a story about when she was in 8th grade and lost all her friends. She teamed up with another girl who was teased mercilessly one day and Emily didn’t try to stop it.
She endured some ribbing from Stephen saying she was a loser and a terrible friend. Good thing she’s a friend of the show! Then Stephen asked her a question.
Stephen: Do you think I’m a bully?
Emily: So I thought about this a lot…(um answer the question Senator)(audience laughs)
Stephen: It’s okay, whatever, whatever the answer is.
Emily: Your guests sometimes we don’t have as much power as you, uh-oh…I’m sorry.
Emily: You’re a big powerful TV host, right?
Stephen: (Breaks down) I hate you! I hate you!
It has been said before, Stephen is the best at fake crying. Methinks Paul Dinello wrote up some of the potential interview ideas.