February 19, 2013 — Emily Bazelon

The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 9063 (February 19, 2013)
GUEST: Emily Bazelon
SEGMENTS: Russian Meteor Strike | Colbert Platinum – Huayra Sports Car, Phil Mickelson & Belle Isle | Obama’s Secretive Golf Outing | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Light Grey Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Red/Navy/White
VIDEOS: Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Russian Meteor Strike

Those videos were unbelievable. Who knew so many Russians had dash mounted cameras? I was watching the compilation of the videos and it struck me that none of those people driving along seeing it, were reacting to it. (shrugs)

One eyewitness said it was like watching “Terminator 4”.

“Yes, this fireball was just like Terminator 4, except people saw it”

True, in that I didn’t even know there was a Terminator 4.

“Folks, the Earth is under attack from giant space rocks. The dinosaurs tried to warn us by being dead.”

“All weekend I was down in the bunker watching these incredible YouTube clips of the meteor streaking across the sky and exploding. It’s actually replaced my previous favorite video: an adorable kitten streaking across the sky and exploding.”

Russian Meteor So why do so many Russians have dash mounted cameras? Apparently to document corruption and from the looks of it, insurance scammers who pretend to be hit by oncoming cars. One man literally pretends to be hit by jumping on the hood of a car that was about to hit him.

“That man lost his personal injury lawsuit, but he did win the coveted ‘Scammy’ award for best actor on a sedan”

Sscammy AwardSo NASA is doing something about it. They released footage on Monday to show how they are trying to fend off attacks from space rocks. It involves tortillas. This guy is making a sandwich. Initially I wasn’t going to do a screencap of this but something on the wall in the background caught my eye.

ISS footage speed limitSo considering it’s the international space station, is that in miles or kilometers? That kinda struck me as hilarious.

Once Stephen mentioned NASA and the lack of ability to fend off asteroids, I knew this was coming:

Asteroids“Evidently their asteroid detection program hasn’t been updated since the early 1980’s”

Colbert Platinum – Huayra Sports Car, Phil Mickelson & Belle Isle

Yeah, it’s back. Stephen had said that they stopped doing CP because they could see that the audiences were getting depressed by it. I guess that means the economy is getting better. The stock market sure is doing well, and we all know that if the stock market is doing well we are all doing well, right? Of course right!

“Thanks to Obama’s socialist policies”, the stock market had bottomed out at 6500. Well now, “no thanks to Obama’s socialist policies,” the stock market is at a record high.

“Ladies and Gentleman, 14,036…dow…units……Downtons? I don’t have to tell you what that means. Do I? I don’t? Good.”

Well, it means that it’s time for all of us to start seeing some trickling down, eh? Sure.

“This segment is for platinum members only. So if your personal food taster doesn’t also have a personal trainer, why don’t you run along and see if your local Val-pak has a coupon for irregular hamburger meat.”

In the first story, Stephen looks at a car that costs more than most people have paid for their houses. It’s called the Pagani Huayra. It costs 1.2 million, can go as fast as 230 m.p.h. and has side mirrors that kinda look like those things from ‘War of the Worlds’. They also have a warning:

Car MirrorDon’t they look just like the things from ‘War of the Worlds’? Or one of those ’50’s alien invasion sci-fi movies, right?

It hasn’t been approved to drive on U.S. roads. Those silly laws that prevent you from driving on open roads as if you were a NASCAR driver on a closed track, C’MON! Where’s our freedom?

“Any schmo can have a car than can take you places, but only the truly elite can afford a 1.2 million dollar cupholder”

Next up on CP, Phil Mickelson’s got his putters in a bunch over California’s tax rate. He is taxed at something around 60%. So he’s threatening to pull up stakes or retire. “Mickelback” makes 60mil a year and so I guess the 20 mil or so, that’s leftover after he pays his taxes, is not enough to survive so it’s adios? maybe?

“Do you know what happens if Phil Mickelson isn’t here to win those millions of dollars? Someone else will.”

Stephen suggests he can move to Belle Isle, the subject of the last story. It’s an island off of Detroit that an investor is trying to turn into a place where people don’t have to pay taxes. Do we think that the super rich are going to want to live that close to Detroit? I guess we’ll see.

“[Belle Isle] is considered the jewel of Detroit. No surprise, Belle means beautiful and Isle means ‘not connected to Detroit’” (cue minor, almost character break)

Belle IsleThe guy who is trying to make Belle Isle a reality has a name that is comedy gold:

“…and now it’s about to get better thanks to Libertarian investor and doubly named porn star, Rod Lockwood”

(cue picture of Jon Stewart looking heavenward and saying ‘thank you’)

Mr. Lockwood has written a book about Belle Isle and he claims that buying it and making it a place where people won’t contribute taxes to the city, will somehow help the city.

“Yes, it will greatly help Detroit. Because what that city needs is a pristine, private island that they can see from the bars of their post-industrial hellscape.”

Obama’s Secretive Golf Outing

I don’t get people sometimes. The press thinks that they have the right to be with the Prez every minute throughout the day. Pssst…the POTUS can do things without having them reported on. JSYK.

Obama went on a golf outing with Tiger Woods, and the press got all whiney for not letting them get pics and interviews and basically turning a non-event into something. I guess the press really is in love with Obama. They’re acting all jealous and stuff.

Well, folks…We want answers.

“Folks, there are a lot of holes in this story, specifically, 18 of them.”

“Did he hit from the ladies’ tee? Did he replace his divots, or did he send Susan Rice to cover them up? (audience groan) Oh yeah, you’re just as upset as I am, I can tell.”

“I have it on good authority that multiple times a day he locks himself in a small tiled room.”

“Sometimes he enters with great urgency only to emerge later with a look of serenity. All we know is by the time he leaves the Sudoku is finished.”

Stephen Colbert on SudokuThis bit is so chock full of puns, I’m surprised Stephen didn’t have another break.

Interview – Emily Bazelon

That was a fun interview and she is definitely an it-getter and a good sport to play along. She came on to talk about her new book “Sticks and Stones” about trying to prevent bullying. She talked a little about what exactly bullying is, empathy and sociopaths.

Emily: A sociopath is someone who can never feel empathy and who’ll grow up and be completely cold forever…
Stephen: Like Tucker Carlson.

She shared a story about when she was in 8th grade and lost all her friends. She teamed up with another girl who was teased mercilessly one day and Emily didn’t try to stop it.

She endured some ribbing from Stephen saying she was a loser and a terrible friend. Good thing she’s a friend of the show! Then Stephen asked her a question.

Stephen: Do you think I’m a bully?
Emily: So I thought about this a lot … (um answer the question Senator)(audience laughs)
Stephen: It’s okay, whatever, whatever the answer is.
Emily: I think sometimes you bully people. Your guests sometimes we don’t have as much power as you, uh-oh…I’m sorry.

Emily: You’re a big powerful TV host, right?

Emily Bazelon on The Colbert Report

Stephen: (Breaks down) I hate you! I hate you!

It has been said before, Stephen is the best at fake crying. Methinks Paul Dinello wrote up some of the potential interview ideas.


  • CN Helper

    What a great Colbert Platinum! I myself am looking to relocate to the libertarian Isle of Detroit as soon as those plans get a goin’! We haven’t seen that segment in a while. And the audience was great, so energetic throughout.

  • Karenatasha

    Just a note about Obama’s golf outing: some organizations have sent me e-mails stating the he was playing not just with Tiger Woods, but with oil and Keystone Pipeline executives. If that is the case (I need to do more research to confirm), then keeping it secretive is a lot less innocent than Stephen implied it was. My assumption is that he and his staff hadn’t heard about the additional set of golf mates.

  • CN Helper

    I hadn’t caught the end of the interview until I saw the screencaps. How great was that? I love when Stephen loses it, and Ms. Bazelon was no match for his antics 😉

  • Caroline

    Yes, Stephen is a master of fake crying. That was quite a curve ball to throw at Ms. Bazelon – I thought she handled it very well.

    Poor Detriot – Stephen got some real zingers in there (the “ice age” one was my favorite).

  • Mr. Arkadin


    Hi Karenatasha! According to Huff Post, Obama golfed with Tiger Woods and two Texans who are considered “key oil, gas, and pipeline players.” But from how I read it,they’re are not part of the Keystone pipeline directly. But they’re business would benefit if Keystone (or like projects) went ahead.

    I was rather surprised TCR didn’t mentioned it. But you’re probably right that they hadn’t heard of in yet. Hopefully, they will follow up on this. It seems to me, this is much more worthy of outrage then the press setting it’s hair on fire because they didn’t get a picture of Obama with Tiger Woods!

  • Mr. Arkadin

    Wow! Great screen captures llama! I particularly love the exploding kitty and Stephen’s almost full out character break while trashing that idiot plan for Detroit. Poor Detroit! Poor Michigan! Poor Michigan State Spartans! Man! Tuesday was a real triple whammy for Lockhart43! My condolences.

  • Karenatasha

    @Mr. Arkadin

    No, they didn’t follow-up. Oh, well. I will post my thoughts on tonight’s program on that page when it’s all up. I’m a little . . . befuddled.

  • http://pear.ly/bqtcD Mrc

    Loved the interview, but especially fake crying part. Also, his crack up during Colbert Platinum segment.

  • llama

    I think whether or not he was on a golf outing with Keystone people, the president does not always have to give access to the press, especially if he’s on a leisure activity. Stephen brought up the point of him going to the bathroom. There are times when the press just has to stay away. They should not be crying about transparency when it comes to a golf outing.