February 5, 2013 — Julie Andrews

The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 9056 (February 5, 2013)
GUEST: Julie Andrews
SEGMENTS: Intro – 2/5/13 | Royal Remains | Tip/Wag – Drunk Donating & “The Job” Reality Show | California’s Heroic Hitchhiker | Julie Andrews | Sign Off – Final Rose
SUIT REPORT: Grey Pinstripe Suit | White Shirt | Navy/Red/White Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Intro – 2/5/13

“Tonight, A new way to give to charity, just change your name to anonymous so people think you’re giving all the time.”

“I honor an unlikely hero. Did you know Josef Stalin used to carpool?”

Julie Madly Deeply

“My guest is Oscar winning actress Julie Andrews. I’ll ask if the hills are still alive after all that fracking.”
“A math professor has discovered a new 17million digit prime number. His other discovery? He’s very lonely. This is the Colbert Report.”

I always wish that they would post the pre-show stuff online, when he references something from the Q&A. Well, anyway, here’s the latest audience-only-understands-what-this-means joke:

“I especially want to welcome those ten men down in the dungeon serving their master. Just get out of there guys.”

So if anyone was at the taping and would  like to clear this up, please do!

Royal Remains

What a bizarre story. I wanted to know a little more about it, so I read up on it. I guess they were looking for the bones. I was unclear as to whether this was an accidental discovery or not.

“King Richard III has been found under a supermarket parking lot. Which explains why his last words were, ‘my kingdom for a hot pocket’.”

“Richard III has always been portrayed as a villain thanks to Shakespeare’s famous play…I wanna say ‘Coriolanus’?”

They were able to tell that it was Richard III due to the spinal curvature and wounds to the skull.

“Well that settles it. Once you decompose it is impossible for straight bones to re-arrange into any other shape. Isn’t that right Richard?”

Stephen Colbert on Richard III

They did, however, announce that the DNA test confirms it was definitely Richard III. In the article that I read, they traced it using a descendant. They were lucky because they could only trace it using female lineage and the line was about to stop because the last female descendant is deceased and she only had a son.

The bones were found using ground-penetrating radar. This is upsetting to Stephen.

“Is there no limit to how far the paparazzi will go in violating the British Royals’ privacy?…You know the next time his body leaves a limo, they’ll be trying to get an ‘up femur shot'”.

Pixelated Skeleton

Tip/Wag – Drunk Donating & “The Job” Reality Show

“Bars can be rough. One minute you’re innocently pointing out to a guy how much his girlfriend looks like his mom and the next minute you’re picking your teeth out of a bowl of beer nuts.”

Now, however, bars have been starting to donate their profits to charity. One bar in Houston gives it’s patrons a vote with every drink, as to which charity the bar will donate to.

“Of course, by 2am, there are fewer votes for Unicef, and more votes for the ‘Man I could really go for a Gyro foundation'”.

Man I could really go for a Gyro foundation

Stephen gives a wag of the finger to this idea. Drinking and donating is a dangerous thing.

“Sure, you walk into a bar, toss back a couple of cold ones for Doctors without Borders, next thing you know you’re pounding back slippery nipples for the Susan G Komen Foundation”

Stephen Colbert on the Susan G Komen Foundation

Next up on Tip-hat-Wag-fing…

“Reality TV is always putting a spotlight on the latest cultural trends: where the realest housewives are, who thinks they can dance, and what noun America is currently at war with.”

Stephen gives a tip of the hat to CBS for the new reality show, “The Job”. Isn’t this kinda like “The Apprentice”? you know, that show where people get career advice from “a vulgar Jack-o-lantern”?

Stephen Colbert on The Job CBS

“Yes, ‘The Job’, where contestants battle for someplace to go during the day”.

The contestants get to come to New York for an interview of a lifetime. Like being an editorial assistant at Cosmopolitan magazine. “That’s right, THE an editorial assistant”.

“This is destined to be a big hit, other networks are going to have their own spin-offs like ‘Meal or No Meal’, ‘Americans, Idle’ and ‘Are you More Employable than a 5th Grader?'”

“So congratulations, CBS on taking America’s unemployment problem and turning it into America’s entertainment solution. With one hire per show, the Job should run for 12.3 million episodes.”

California’s Heroic Hitchhiker

Okay, I know I said this once already in this guide, but THIS is a bizarre story. I mean it this time.

This is Kai:

Kai California Hitchhiker

Kai is just your average everyday hitchhiker who happens to carry a hatchet, no biggie. He got picked up by a guy who said, apparently with a lot of swearing, “I’m Jesus Christ and I can do whatever I want” and then ran into a man and pinned him between the car and a truck.

“Folks, this is why the Lord is your co-pilot, not behind the wheel”

“Normally, if a driver claims to be Jesus, police will pull him over and make him walk a straight line on water.”

A Green Bay packers fan was on the scene and tried to help, but she said that “Jesus” started beating her up.

Kai, who is the hero of the story then ran up behind the guy with his hatchet and took care of things. “For the first time in human history, people were saying, ‘thank God that homeless guy with a hatchet was there'”.

In gratitude, he wants a…thing…of some kind and a wetsuit…to test Mavericks?? Right. Um, sure.

Interview – Julie Andrews

Julie Andrews returns for a studio interview. YAY!! The Sound of Music is one of my all time favorite movies and she is just such a class act, yet she is not afraid to swear as we found out the last time Stephen interviewed her.

On a personal note, I was so excited when I saw she was going to be a guest. Part of why I adore her is because my mom was such a musical person and she loved The Sound of Music and when I was all grown up, I started to appreciate it. I think I’ve seen it about 20 or maybe 30 times. It always reminds me of my mom.

Julie Andrews Colbert Report interview 2013

Stephen: You’re also a dame commander. Is that fun?
Julie: Well I don’t really think about it that much.
Stephen: Sounds like you have a troop of men you can call on to attack at any moment.
Julie: That’s right, I do so look out! Behave yourself.

She has written a new book, “The Very Fairy Princess Follows Her Heart”.

Stephen: Now I haven’t finished reading it yet, it’s a little above my reading level.

She talks about the girl in the book who is convinced she is a very fairy princess even though there is evidence to the contrary.

Stephen: Is she a very fairy princess?
Julie: She thinks she is.
Stephen: Is she, Julie Andrews? Feet to the fire.
Julie: I think by the end of each story you might just believe that she is.

As it turns out, this is the 27th book she has written with her daughter. I did not know that. It’s the 5th of the Very Fairy Princess series.

Stephen: You famously played Maria and Mary Poppins. Were your children ever raised by nannies?
Julie: Yes, I did have some nannies.
Stephen: When they came for the job interview, did they walk in, see you and go “Great!” (throws up hands in air)
Julie: (laughs) Sadly no, no.

Then when Stephen asks if she could take over the part of Mary Poppins on Broadway, if say the lead breaks her leg, she kind of hesitates but then says, “Damn right I could do it!”

Sign Off – Final Rose

Stephen Colbert with a Rose

Stephen wins his own rose!

  • Elanor

    *High five* Dame Andrews! Great interview, so playful! Looked like Stephen thoroughly enjoyed it too!

    Loved that he talked about Richard III. Sorry we didn’t hear him quote Shakespeare or mimic a portrayal of the Mad King.

    The hitchhiker stories was most disturbing in all directions. *shudder*

  • applepies

    This was a great episode! I loved his take on Kai, I watched the full interview with him before I turned on TCR and I lost it laughing. And Stephens hair looked especially good, I think.

  • Carrie

    “I especially want to welcome those ten men down in the dungeon serving their master. Just get out of there, guys.”

    Ok audience members from last night, who among ye is gonna tell us what that was about

  • CN Helper

    @Elanor Kai was very disturbing, but somehow, Stephen made the whole thing sound hilarious.

  • Katt


    From 4815162342 over at TWoP:

    In the Q&A session, someone said they were part of a 10 person D&D group and asked Stephen to do them the honor of being the villain in one of their games. Stephen politely but definitively said no, that it had been 25 years since he played and he couldn’t risk getting sucked back in.

    Full recap: [Link]

  • Karenatasha


    Yay! Thanks for finally clearing that up!

  • lockhart43

    I was just now able to catch this episode online, as my cable was out all last week. And what a fun episode! I figured he would cover the story about Richard III, and the hitchhiker story had me doubled over. Oh my gosh, was that funny. Definitely weird and definitely funny. I love whenever Stephen points to someone off-camera at a joke that’s particularly funny (I’d assume he’s pointing at Paul Dinello or Tom Purcell, since they’re usually standing on the side during the taping), like he did after the Packers line. And that “quote” from Matthew was hilarious!