EPISODE NUMBER: 9053 (January 30, 2013)
GUESTS: Bill Gates
SEGMENTS: Coming Out Stress & Gay Rights | The Word – It Gets Worse | Non-Racist KKK | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | White Shirt | Light blue tie with white stripes
VIDEOS: Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Interesting that the first couple acts dealt with gay rights. Stephen has talked a great deal about the topic over the years, but this episode was unusually focused on it. I do like when the show narrows in on one topic. Another Word this week, oh my word! Even if Stephen did diss women in it, he is still forgiven. May I kindly remind him of the number 700,000, as in the number of female viewers of his program. Oh well – and can anyone verify if the phrase “outcome determinative” is even English?
How the KKK can still remain relevant is as baffling as the fact that hate groups are actually increasing in the U.S. Well, I suppose the latter is not as surprising, what with a black president in our White House, and globalism rattling the cages of bigots everywhere, but still.
Bill Gates – what did you think of him? It was nice that he finally came on the show. His wife Melinda has had a couple successful visits, so it was about time. I do think that Steve Jobs was waay cooler than Gates, but the philanthropic work the Gates Foundation does is no small feat and certainly garners respect, as evidenced by the audience’s frequent bursts of applause.
Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
- Tonight! Should gays and lesbians be allowed to marry? Yes, but only each other.
- Then, big changes for the KKK. They’re updating the sheets with a dust ruffle!
- My guest is billionaire philanthropist, Bill Gates. In order to get him here, I had to tell him I had malaria.
- “The truth will set you free.” So convicted murderers, turn off your TVs now! This is The Colbert Report!
Coming Out Stress & Gay Rights
- This is the audience so nice, they cheered me twice?
- You know nation, our world becomes a little gayer every day. I am starting to think that some of the days might be gay. Am I the only one suspicious that Saturday and Sunday are always together on the weekends?
- And let’s face it, these days, gays are accepted everywhere you go. They’re like Visa, only thinner.
- Well brace yourself folks, because gay just got more fabulous.
Of course gays are less stressed. They don’t have to deal with women! Who are great. (Editor’s note: Boooooooo!)
- This study was published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine, which is a wonderful publication. There’s a print version, and an online version, or if you’re on the go, try the version that’s all in your head.
- Now, the study took place in Canada, so we still have to wait for a study involving human subjects.
- As as incredibly straight man, I am incredibly stressed out. I am a ticking time bomb. That is why every time I accidentally wander into a gay bar and see all those happy people, I shout, “I’m ready to blow!”
- Yes, we conservatives think that all gays should have equal rights, and we’ve been saying it since the very beginning of this sentence.
- Clearly, the LGBT agenda is barreling at full speed. At this rate, I might even have to learn what the last two letters of “LGBT” mean! I want to say, bacon and tomato?
The Word – It Gets Worse
One brave man is holding back this rising gay tide like like a one-man dyke. No, no, no, I mean, with hordes of gays coming, he’s beating them off! I mean, I mean, it brings us to tonight’s Word.
- Folks, the Supreme Court is about to hear arguments about the Defense of Marriage Act, or DOMA, which defines marriage as between one man, one woman. The Act was signed into law in 1996 by Bill Clinton, a man who understand being defensive about your marriage. [Put "O" in "Oval Office."]
- House Republicans hired super straight, super lawyer Paul Clement to defend marriage, to the tune of 2 million dollars. [And the lyrics of "It's Raining Men."]
Marriage is for straight people! Who can go to a wedding, get tanked on Chablis, and make a baby barebacking it in a closet.
- That’s how God intended it. Planning to have kids just isn’t right. [That's why the best fathers are on Maury.]
- Yes, “outcome determinative.” That sort of fancy talk will get Clement a ruling in his favoritish. [Also 72 points in scrabble.]
- It’s like when your boss says, “your hard work and dedication have really proven you don’t need a promotion.” [Bonus: no bonus!]
Because folks, let’s face it, we live in a golden age of being gay. These days, same-sex couple can get married from Seattle to Boston, and one place in between.
- Plus, there are only 29 states where it’s legal to deny you a job because you’re gay. [You put it on your resume?] You see, in the other 21 states, they have to pretend it’s something else ["My dog ate your job."]
- Given how well things are going, there is no need for them to get any better. The struggle for gay rights has been too successful, therefore, it must end in failure. You know who really got lucky? [Ryan Seacrest?]
- I’ll tell ya. The people out there who really got lucky? Black people. Things were so hard for them, we had to help, but, if Rosa Parks had been allowed to sit in the front of the bus, we wouldn’t have cared to desegregate our schools. [Brown vs. Bored]
- Now, of course, as a supporter of gay rights, some of you might feel bad that they might lose the struggle that they so deservedly won. Perhaps you have a gay friend, or a gay relative, or you want to leave that choice to yourself- [At Least Until Graduation]
If you really want to help the gays, you want to ostracize them at work, mock them at school, make them feel like they have no place in our society [Not Even Bravo.] Because, according to Paul Clement, we can’t give them rights, until we wrong them. [It Gets Worse.]
- This nation has made great strides in race relations. For instance today I watched almost an entire Tyler Perry movie, before I realized it was one of those Michael Jordan Hanes commercials. Still, we are getting closer to that mountain top.
- How dare Colin Powell charge the GOP with intolerance, when it is the party of such prominent black Republicans such as Colin Powell? And others, one imagines.
- But the definitive proof that we are in a post racial America, is that the Ku Klux Klan, maybe the group most identified with racism, aren’t racists anymore.
- See, they’re not a hate group, they just want to see good things come to their race, through the eye holes cut in a pillow case.
- This new KKK is spreading its positive message the way any open minded group would do: door to door in the dead of night.
- I can understand why some of these fliers might upset some people, but I think we all agree, it’s better than what they used to leave on people’s lawns. (shows image of a burning cross)
- This aggressive recruitment has nothing to do with racism. The fact that it’s happening under a black president is simply a coincidence. It could have just as easily been a Jewish president.
- Sadly, there is a dark cloud hanging over those white hoods. Because according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, the “number of KKK chapters dropped from 221…to 152.” And this comes at a time when hate groups overall are enjoying tremendous growth. Ain’t that a kick in the robe?
- Yeah, those klan robes have a stigma, unlike Nazi uniforms – those had style.
- The point is, saying you’re a hate group just isn’t enough. I’ve got a couple of helpful hints to help the non-racist KKK. First of all, I know that flowing robes are a tradition, but if you to reach to today’s hipster young white supremacists, you’d be better to go with skinny jeans and ironic T-shirts.
I know that hoods are a part of the heritage, but it makes you look like you’re ashamed. Why not wear your klan affiliation proudly, and transparently, by wearing a clear hood. Just slip a dry cleaning bag over your head and keep it in place with a rubber band around your neck. Now that is a great look that I think a lot of people would love to see.
Stephen: Well, here’s to the geeks!