January 23, 2013 — Sally Field

The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 9049 (January 23, 2013)
GUEST: Sally Field
SEGMENTS: Beyonce’s Lip-Gate | Tip/Wag – Montpelier School District, TheAtlasphere.com & Florida Officials | Alpha Dog of the Week – Virginia State Senate Republicans | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Grey Suit | White Shirt | Navy/Grey Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Stephen Colbert hand“Oh, nothing can stop us now”

Beyonce’s Lip-Gate

Did she or didn’t she? I know that this is a big story because I actually did hear about it before I saw the show. I don’t really watch news much so if I know of a story already when Stephen covers it, it’s probably a big thing.

Stephen Colbert on Beyonce“Yes, lip-gate. Beyonce-gate. The crisis in Lip-ya. Beyonc-gazi … If Beyonce lip-synched at Obama’s inaugural, do you know what that means? If so, please write in because I’d love to know why I’m so angry!”

Ms. Knowles’ rendition of the Star Spangled Banner was very moving to Joe Biden. Well, let’s hope that was the reason he was making this face.

The Colbert Report on Joe Biden“Either Joe Biden really loves his country, or Chuck Schumer just ripped one”

Members of the Marine corps band leaked that Ms. Knowles-Carter (is that Jay-Z’s last name?) decided at the last minute to lip-synch to the studio version rather than sing live on the Capitol, because evidently this time, “it was the jelly that was not ready”. Then there was a report that said the Marines were in no position to assess whether or not she sang live.

“When those Marines are in the s*** with the trombones and the drums…I mean no one knows where the singing is coming from. That is called the fog of warble.”

“Mr. President the American people demand answers. What did Beyonce sing, when did she sing it? Was that even Beyonce? It may have been Sasha Fierce.”

The Colbert Report on Beyonce and Jay Z“It’s official. Jay-Z officially has 100 problems.”

Tip/Wag – Montpelier School District, TheAtlasphere.com & Florida Officials

This new movement to have janitors and custodians armed at schools is gaining steam in Ohio. They reason that janitors and custodians are the perfect people to arm, because they don’t have the responsibility of a classroom full of kids and they are not administrators who are needed to make quick decisions.

“Yes, (janitors) are the guys we don’t trust with any responsibilities. Let’s give them the guns.”

Then Stephen talked about ‘The Atlasphere’. It is “a dating site inspired by philosopher and forgotten member of ‘The Munsters’, Ayn Rand.” It’s a place where one guy’s description of himself is basically, “I’m me and that’s all that needs to be said” and another woman’s description of herself is about how she is interested in whatever she’s interested in, whenever she is interested in it. Hey, that’s all anyone wants in a mate, right?

“The Atlasphere is the best place for Randians to find love, other than their bathroom mirror.”

Finally, he mentioned that Florida is being overrun by giant pythons.

“I’m no fan of snakes. Anything that hugs something to death has mommy issues. See a therapist.”

Apparently, there are so many giant pythons in Florida that they are now allowing them to be hunted. Apparently, people have imported them from Asia, then let them go after awhile. The government is giving $1,000 to anyone who kills one, but you have to either shoot it in the head, or chop it’s head off with a machete. They won’t let you bring it in in more than two pieces.

The Colbert Report on Florida Pythons“Florida residents be careful. It’s easy to think you’ve captured a 6 ft. Albino Burmese, when in fact you’ve captured Florida Governor Rick Scott.”

Alpha Dog-VA State Senate

Stephen “honored” the Republican lawmakers of the State of Virginia for passing a law that would re-draw the district lines to heavily favor the Republicans. They were able to pass the legislation in an evenly split Republican/Democrat Senate because they waited until Democratic Senator and civil rights leader, Henry Marsh, was out of town on Martin Luther King Day to attend the inauguration.

“How fitting. In the words of Dr. King, I have been to the mountaintop and while I was there, they heavily re-districted the promised land.”

But wait, there’s more! These are Alpha Dogs, do you really think that’s all they did?

“I think the way these Alpha Dogs really swung their sacs in the faces of black voters, was that they adjourned in memory of Confederate General Stonewall Jackson.”

That’s just…I mean, why? Like they had to do that?

The bill still has to be signed by the governor who expressed his disdain for the manner in which the legislation was enacted, but did not rule out signing it, saying he will deal with it when it gets to him.

Stephen compared that to a certain food item that (hopefully) doesn’t actually exist.

“If someone offered me a panda burger, I would definitely say the idea is repellant and offensive, but if you’re just gonna throw it out…”

Interview – Sally Field

“My guest tonight has won three Emmys, two Oscars and two Golden Globes. But still no MTV movie award for best roundhouse kick in a romantic comedy. Please welcome Sally Field.”

Stephen started out by telling her what a big fan he was of her and was kinda hoping for reciprocation. She eventually got the hint.

Sally: It’s the only time my children are going to watch me because they were thrilled that I was on your show.
Stephen: You sound like you raised some really smart kids.

Sally Field on The Colbert ReportShe talked about her role in the film “Lincoln” and Mary Todd’s influence over her husband. I enjoyed the interview and she certainly seemed to be having a good time, as she didn’t want it to end.

Stephen was mad that “Mr. E.T. guy” made her audition for the part, but Ms. Field explained it was more like a screen test to find out if she and Daniel Day Lewis would work together onscreen.

Stephen asked her why she was kind of a Hollywood outsider and she didn’t know, saying she wasn’t invited to many parties, looking kind of sad.

Stephen: Do you want to go for a drink or something?
Sally: I don’t know, aren’t you married?
Stephen: Aren’t you?
Sally: No.

Stephen hides his wedding ring that is always so visible all the time.

Stephen Colbert wedding ringShe gained 25 pounds for the film. She did it because of Boniva. Does she get paid for mentioning that?

This is something that maybe shouldn’t be said, but I’m going to say it. Sally Field looked natural, which is to say she is showing her age. I was thrilled. She really looked great, but she looks her age and she still looks like Sally Field. If she has had work done, it’s obviously not the extreme work that makes you look unlike yourself. BRAVO Ms. Field.

  • CN Helper

    I have been to the mountaintop, and while I was there, they heavily redistricted the promised land.

    Kind of an amazingly brilliant line; I spent a good deal of time in VA, so I must say this is not altogether surprising, but shameful. Check out last night’s alpha dog, y’all.

    “The Atlasphere” sounds like the folks you bump into at a bar, exchange small talk for a few minutes, then desperately signal to girlfriends to come “rescue” you. “I am me. That is all there needs to be said.” OMG.

    Sally Field was a neato guest, too. It was cute when Stephen tried to chuck his wedding ring to make her feel better. Really sweet. And the audiences have been really energetic this week, making the show even that much more fun.

  • llama

    @CN Helper Yeah you’re right about the audiences. They are super energetic. Stephen must be lovin’ it. He does seem pretty giddy.

  • Karenatasha

    @CN Helper
    That whole sequence was the purest genius, CNHelper. I thought it was blow-you-away incredible.

    And Sally Field and the wedding ring! Isn’t she about Jane Fonda’s age? Does Stephen have a penchant for older women? 😉 Hmmmm…

  • CN Helper

    @Karenatasha I was just thinking about that actually, karanatasha. When he was nibbling off of Martha Stewart’s blouse, Diane Keaton, and of course, Jane Fonda – all prime examples of him being flirty with the more mature gals. He certainly seems more, um, comfortable with them, shall we say.

  • Karenatasha

    @CN Helper
    Of course, it could be that he thinks it won’t read as “real” flirtiness because they’re not pretty young things. That might seem more dangerous.