January 22, 2013 — Kathryn Bigelow

The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 9048 (January 22, 2013)
GUEST: Kathryn Bigelow
SPECIAL GUEST: Dustin Hoffman
SEGMENTS: Obama’s Inauguration & Class Warfare | The Word-Win, Lose or Redraw | Dustin Hoffman’s Bad News | Sign-Off-“Zero Dark Thirty” and “Quartet” | Exclusive: Kathryn Bigelow Extended Interview
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | Light Blue shirt | Black Tie with White Stripes
VIDEOS: Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Stephen Colbert playing the spoonsObama’s Inauguration & Class Warfare

Oh those first kids. They are just too much. Malia photobombed her sister’s attempt to take a picture of their parents kissing.

The Obama's kissing“Enjoy Gitmo, Malia”

It was hard to get the entire gist of what was going on in this clip because I was facepalming and laughing so hard, but apparently the friendly friends over at Fox and Friends had “sham-wow spokesman” Stuart Varney on to comment about the class warfare being waged by Obama. Ol’ Stu is claiming that the rich people on Downton Abbey…are…um, well, I’ll just let him say it.

“Rich people, powerful people, in America today, are reviled. They’re dismissed as fat cats who don’t pay their fair share. We just hate ’em — ‘Rich people are evil’ … Yet, along comes this show ‘Downton Abbey’ — rich people prominently featured and they’re generous; they’re nice people; they create jobs, for heaven’s sake; they’re classy; they’ve got style and we love ’em … That show is wildly popular, which poses a threat to the left, doesn’t it?”–Stuart Varney.

“Yes it does, the popularity of Downton Abbey proves America loves rich guys, the same way that Breaking Bad proves that America loves meth dealers.”

Yeah, that’s right Stu. The entire “PBS Masterpiece Theatre: Downton Abbey” audience is threatened by it. Does he know it’s on PBS?

Oh but that wasn’t the funniest part of the exchange, Steve Doocy then opened his mouth:

“The entire town loves the rich guy who lives in the Abbey, because he provides the jobs, he looks out for everybody, he has free medical care for everybody…and without him the place would go belly up”–(blond guy who is) Steve Doocy.

Stephen Colbert on Downton Abbey“(Lord Grantham), two weeks ago, he almost lost everything investing in the Canadian railroad, and I believe that’s how our system should function. One rich guy fails, no one gets healthcare”.

Oh, but that’s STILL not the best thing to come out of Fox “News” in this segment. Peter Johnson, jr (the guy with three names for you know what) had this to say about Obama’s Inaugural speech:

“It was a very bizarre, disordered, priority of what our national interests were. (that’s a very bizarre disorderly statement) Where was the debt? Where was the deficit? Where was the unemployment? Where was the issue of poverty in America…where was the hopelessness?”–Peter Johnson, jr.

(Does he not understand the difference between an inaugural address and a State of The Union address?)

“Yeah, where was the hopelessness? That’s what America wants. Have we forgotten FDR’s inaugural when he proclaimed…”

Roosevelt on hopelessnessThe Word-Win, Lose or Redraw

“Where did (republicans) go wrong, we had a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent president and a positive message for the American voter, ‘Less than half of you are parasites’ and still, we lost”

Stephen Colbert on American demographics“And folks, it’s looking bleak for the republicans with America’s changing demographics, unless science can find a way for Latino women to give birth to old white men”

I swear the graphics dept. should be in the running for Emmys of their own. That baby graphic cracked me up like no one’s business.

Madame Kinks Rump Dungeon“(Republicans) lost the presidency, they lost the Senate, they lost the vote count in the House of Representatives by a combined 1.1 million votes. Republicans haven’t got an ass-paddling like that since D.C. shut down ‘Madame Kink’s Rump Dungeon'”

The Republicans are trying to change the electoral college process. They want electoral college votes to be doled out by congressional district. Some guy is complaining that the winner-take-all electoral college is not fair to the guy who loses. “Yeah, the losing party never gets to pick the president. This legislation allows Republicans to level the playing field”

THE WORD: and turn it onto a golf course.

If this had been done during last year’s election, Romney would’ve won. “So it’s a win-win”

THE WORD: except for the guy who wins.

Funny how the Republicans had no problem with the results of the election back in 2000. Now they want to change it. Sure.

Dustin Hoffman’s Bad News

Dustin Hoffman on The Colbert ReportDustin Hoffman was announced as the guest at the top of the show, but there was no mention of Kathryn Bigelow who had been listed as the guest even after the taping had been done. Confusion abounds. But wait…

He was coming on to promote his new movie, which Stephen said was named “Quintet” about four retired opera stars, accompanied by ‘Buddy’ who plays the spoons. Stephen plays Buddy, so naturally they would have a lot to talk about.

“Dusty” comes out in the middle of the 2nd segment, to announce that Stephen’s part has been cut from the movie. Stephen gets upset, naturally and plays a clip from his performance to try to change “Tin-Tin’s” mind.

Stephen Colbert with a beardPoor Stephen tries to cry on cue, but he can’t. “Tinny” then calls him a bad actor, so Stephen tells him he’s cut from the interview. He turns to the audience to see if there are any other Hollywood film directors who could fill in at the last minute.

Kathryn Bigelow in The Colbert Report audienceWOW! What are the odds?

Interview – Kathryn Bigelow

They talked about “Zero Dark Thirty”. She apologized for cancelling a week ago and tried to butter up Stephen with compliments but he still brought down the hammer.

She said that she was spooked by the Senate investigation and that’s why she cancelled. Kathryn Bigelow Colbert Report interviewI think she was right to include the scenes of torture. How do you not? It happened.

Stephen: You’ve now done two movies about our wars, “The Hurt Locker” and “Zero Dark Thirty”. Have you ever included a special thanks to George W. Bush?”
Kathryn: um…um…you know…um
Stephen: It’d be polite

The greatest thing that I took away from this interview, out of all 7+ minutes of it was that Stephen took a line from Strangers with Candy:

Kathryn: Could you have found the house in Abbottabad, Pakistan without the detainee program? I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll ever know but it will be debated for a long time.
Stephen: Yeah, if ‘if’s’ and ‘buts’ were clusters of nuts, we’d all have a bowl of granola.

  • Elanor

    LOL, loved the improv bit between Mr. Hoffman and Mr. C … *wiggles fingers, blah, blah, blah* LOL.

  • CN Helper

    “we are all doomed. I can’t walk! I can’t walk!” I am grateful that Roosevelt was at the helm during those terrible times of pre-WW II, not our current crop of weak-kneed lawmakers. (I don’t include the Prez in that assessment.) But it’s a good point; how can one lead and move people towards big ideas without optimism?

    That was a clever insertion of Mr. Hoffman to promote his new movie. Llama, please include a screencrap of Stephen in the now scrapped movie, Quintet. Stephen playing the spoons in a long beard (and hawaiian shirt) was hilarious.

    I wonder why Stephen is so warm towards the appearances of all these hollywood directors – maybe he likes to keep himself out there in case a really good movie role came along. That would be awesome.

  • llama

    @CN Helper
    Way ahead of you, I got two of him actually, one from the clip and one from the end of the show. Churning out a complete recap, as we speak, or write, I guess.

  • CN Helper

    @llama Thanks, llama! Don’t feel the need to rush and pull a blog-muscle though: those fingers must maintain their dexterity.

    I must say I was impressed with Kathryn Bigelow. She seems to carry herself with a lot of power and grace – I too am glad that she made it to the show, hope she comes back for the next blockbuster.