January 17, 2013 — Akhil Reed Amar

The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 9046 (January 17, 2013)
GUESTS: Akhil Reed Amar
SEGMENTS: Corporate Scamwhich | Obama’s Gun Grab | The Word – United We Standoff | Porn Names & Porn Lawsuits | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | White Shirt | Maroon Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, January 17, 2013

A truly great Word, complete with proper Limbaugh mockery and incisive commentary about the Second Amendment. We can totally regain our Republic with our home gun collection against Tomahawk missiles, sure! This episode also featured Stephen’s take on Subway’s scandalous shortening of their footlong sandwiches. The ep was also peppered with lots of Fox News references, and was finished off with a relevant interview with Dr. Amar about the “unwritten constitution.” All the while, Stephen looked remarkably handsome last night, if I dare say so myself.

Let us know what you think – comment strong!

Corporate Scamwhich

  • Thank you for the amount of energy you put into that chanting, given the fact that you’ve done it before. Welcome to hour 2 of the broadcast.
  • Nation, you know I do this show for reason and one reason only: to look out for you.
  • Turns out the Subway footlong is sometimes….eleven inches. We have been 5 dollar foot-wronged!
  • 12 inches is 12 inches! I know it’s cold out, but that’s no excuse.
  • Now we know how Jared lost all that weight. He starved to death.
  • This is an enormous breach of trust, Subway. Are your employees even certified artists? Have they passed the free art test where they have to make a turtle out of lunch meat?
  • I want to give hats off to New York Post reporters Kaylee Osowski and Natalee O’Neill, the Woodward and Bernstein of Oscar and Meyer. They broke this story through an investigative journalism technique known as lunch.
  • And that is money that you will need to cover the medical bills from eating 182 foot longs.
  • Well, Subway, it is over. I am going to be keeping you honest by measuring every sandwich by the most accurate means possible: my fruit by the foot.

Obama’s Gun Grab

King Obama

“Pretty soon our sandwiches are going to be metric, because America is finished. Yesterday, President Obama shredded the Constitution, and then anointed himself King Gun Snatcher the Magnificent.”

  • Oh, take a cheap shot at Ronald Reagan. What are you trying to do, impress Jodie Foster?
  • Folks, the President should focus on strengthening the policies that we know are keeping us safe, like making sure nobody brings tweezers onto an airplane.
Obama on gun control

“But of course Obama knew his gun policies weren’t going to pass the smell test, so he stoops to surrounding himself with children. Like this confused boy, Joey. He loves trains.”

  • It was a transparent appeal to our humanity. Luckily, Rush Limbaugh doesn’t have any.
Rush Limbaugh on gun control

“You are being manipulated, America. ‘Oh boo-boo, I want a pony, I want to go to Disney land, I want to wake to see another day, boo-boo!’ Grow up! Oh, ‘I want to grow up!'”

  • I bet anti-gun screeds aren’t the only letters Obama gets from kids. And so does Steeve Doocy. He should know, he reads at a third grade level.”
Fox News viewer demographics

“Yes, why aren’t kids writing to the President about long-term restricting of debt? C’mon Fox New youngsters, Bennie, Roz, the rest of Pine Crest retirement crew, put down the Sunny D and fire up the Underwood.”

The Word – United We Standoff

  • The Word United we StandThankfully, our constitution has a built-in mechanism to stop democratically elected tyrants from taking our guns, and that brings us to tonight’s Word: “United We Standoff.”
  • President Obama and his anti-gun storm troopers say it’s okay for me to have a pistol, it’s okay for me to have a rifle, it’s okay for me to have a shot gun, but it’s not okay for me to have military style weaponry? Maybe they have forgotten what the second amendment is all about.
  • Damn straight! Like anybody setting up a new government, the founders added a clause that said, ‘if you don’t like what we are doing, feel free to shoot us.’
  • The Second Amendment is like the “Ultimate Veto.” It’s like a constitutional pre-nup. [“To Have and to Holster.”]
  • That’s why and my friends at Fox News have always stood with those who arms themselves against government tyranny. Patriots like Bill Ayers and The Weather Underground. [Can’t spell “Patriot” without “Riot”]
  • Now, keep in mind our founding fathers didn’t want us to engage in armed insurrection at the drop of a hat. [Unless the government was coming for your hat.]
  • No, they knew it should be only if something unimaginable happened. [Like electing a black guy.]
  • Something like the government of the United States turning on its own citizens, that’s why we need weapons. And not some weak-ass, ten round magazines, either.
  • Yes, because we are talking about fighting the United States government. When the Second Amendment was written, we didn’t have a standing army, and the most powerful weapon in America’s arsenal was a horse-drawn smallpox blanket. [Hey Apaches! They’re free!]
  • But folks, today, America has the world’s greatest military, full of brave men and women armed with the most powerful weaponry ever devised.
  • And it’s because I respect our troops so much that i need a fully automatic assault rifle with a hundred round magazine to kill them when they come for my guns. [F**k you for you service.]
  • You think that AR-15 is going to save you when Uncle Sam comes a’knockin’ with a Apache helicopter? [Sorry about the blankets, guys.]
  • If the Second Amendment is truly defend ourselves against government force, then citizens will never be safe until we can have our own air craft carriers. [Parking’s a b*tch.]
  • No I know what some are saying, might some deranged individual take their constitutionally-guaranteed air craft carrier to a mall, let’s say, rain hellfire missiles down on a Cinnabon for skimping on the frosting? [Still better for you than eating Cinabbon.]
  • But, as Jefferson said, “Sometimes the Tree of Liberty must be watered with the blood of the innocent.” Look it up. [Don’t look it up.]
  • So, Mr. King President, unless you and the anti-gun brigade will admit that we gun owners are constitutionally guaranteed the right to have any weapon we want, we will use any weapon we can get, to keep every weapon we have.

 Porn Names & Porn Lawsuits

  • Welcome to tonight’s broadcast, and to our affiliates in Micronesia, good morning.
  • Folks, the thing I like best about Fox News is that they are journalists who know how to stay focused on the important story.
  • Megyn, I don’t want to scandalize you, but technically you have to do a bit more to get a porn name. I’ll send you some links.
  • Oh no Megyn, I’m pretty sure he wants to see that.
  • Though, for the record, I’ve got to say that Noah Ardsley is not as good of a porn name as Megyn Kelly.
  • Noah ArdsleyI’ve got to say, “Muffin Hunt” is not just a great porn name, it’s also a great porn title. Spoiler alert: they find it.
  • Who could forget when Walter Cronkite ended his final broadcast with, “And that’s the way it is, also my porn name is Mittens Crotchpounder.”
  • ….Named after Beauregard Crotchpounder, who famously declared, “I will beat off every last Union soldier!”
  • Yes, forcing porn stars violates their First Amendment rights to free expression. In particular, this expression (makes a horribly contorted face)
  • Yes, the whole reason you watch porn is for the historical accuracy.

I don’t know about you, but I am easily thrown by anachronisms, which are all throughout Yankin’ Diddle Dandy. Why would a revolutionary soldier be cavorting with an Iroquois princess? …C’mon, the beadwork on her g-string is pure onondaga, a branch that never gave up their loyalty to the British crown. I mean, it just totally throws you out of the scene! Now, you’re just masturbating to some absurd costume drama like an idiot. Makes no sense.

  • So Bravo, Paul Cambria, Jr., for standing up for the freedom of expression as our forefathers intended, as seen as in The Declaration of In Your Pants and Bend Over Ben: Spankin’ Franklin, both 100% historically accurate with no condoms, which is why they all die of syphillis.

Interview – Akhil Reed Amar

Akhil Reed Amar Colbert Report interviewAkil: You [as a conservative] believe in stuff that’s not quite there that completes [the Constitution].
Stephen: If it’s not in there, go to hell.
Akil: How about limited government.
Stephen: But of course, limited government!
Akil: But it doesn’t say that.
Stephen: It’s limited by what’s in here. It is a limitation. Check mate, keep going.
Akil: But in order to understand the words of the document, we have to also understand its spirit, and that’s part of the unwritten constitution. I am with you, I don’t want us to lose the virtues of a written constitution.
Stephen: You lost this one, it’s mine now.
Akil: As my gift.
Stephen: Where are these other ideas coming from that you claim aren’t in here?
Akil: That’s the trick: how can we go beneath, beyond, and behind the Document, without losing faith with the document?

Akil: You believe you can have a gun in your home?
Stephen: I believe I can have a gun everywhere.
Akil: Where does it say that states can’t mess with that right?
Stephen: It says that states have to obey federal law.
Akil: And federal law doesn’t say anything at all –
Stephen: The Second Amendment says it!
Akil: So the Feds have no law at all on this, so New York, just imagine hypothetically , passes a law restricting gun rights.
Stephen: They did.

Yeah, the Second Amendment is only about the Federal government, what about your right against state governments? It turns out there is a passage of the Constitution that talks about rights against state governments but it doesn’t list them. It says no state shall mess with or abridge any privileges or immunities of citizens, but it doesn’t list them. But it doesn’t specify what those are, so those are “unwritten” to some extent.

  • colbaby

    Bravo to both TDS and TCR for their gun debate segments this week. Outstanding!

    I had to pause this ep in the middle of the porn star segment because I was laughing so hard I was in pain. Though I may even have Walter Cronkite beat with ‘Spanky Earl.’

  • Mr. Arkadin

    Wow! Very comprehensive episode guide, CN. I know the interview is not there right now, but writing out so much of the “Word” still makes it great!

  • Mr. Arkadin


    “I had to pause this ep in the middle of the porn star segment because I was laughing so hard I was in pain. Though I may even have Walter Cronkite beat with ‘Spanky Earl.’”

    Ha! I think you may have beaten everyone with that porn name, colbaby. :)

  • colbaby

    @Mr. Arkadin
    Excellent. I figure porn star can be my Fall Back Position. (Which coincidentally may also be the finale of my first porn.)

  • Mr. Arkadin


    “Excellent. I figure porn star can be my Fall Back Position. (Which coincidentally may also be the finale of my first porn.)”

    This is fantastic! Picture it: Spanky Earl & Filliam H. Muffman star in: The Splendiferous Adventures of the Skyfallback Zeppelin!

  • CN Helper

    @Mr. Arkadin I was really hoping they would do something like a Word about gun control, so that made me extra excited to post the whole thing. But you’re right, I did get tired. I am going to finish up the last two parts now.

    Update: Now done, just for Mr. A. That’s service-y!

  • Mr. Arkadin

    @CN Helper

    You’re to good to me, Lady Helper. :)

  • CN Helper

    @Mr. Arkadin Thanks for your always kind attention to my posts! It’s nice to know someone’s taking the time to read them! :)

  • karenatasha

    @CN Helper
    We all read your posts! We do!

  • Voice Over

    There was a voice over in part of the Yankin’ Diddle Dandy bit, the text of which is missing above.
    “Why would a revolutionary soldier be cavorting with an Iroquois princess? …C’mon, the beadwork on her g-string is pure Onondaga”

    There were a couple more lines in the … part above. The audio sounded as: “The Iroquois were aligned with the British. Okay, maybe she’s Oneida, a sub-branch of the Iroquois who sided with the Colonists, but”. This was followed by the “C’mon…” However, instead of the word “Colonists”, Stephen’s lips clearly said something else which I could not make out.

    Was anyone able to catch what he said? And why the voice over?

  • Caroline

    @Voice Over – This is what I heard (and I don’t think there was a voice over):

    “Why would a revolutionary soldier be cavorting with an Iroquois princess? The Iroquois were aligned with the British. Okay, maybe she’s Oneida, a sub-branch of the Iroquois who sided with the Colonists, but, c’mon, the beadwork on her g-string is pure Onondaga – a branch that never gave up their loyalty to the British Crown. I mean, it just totally throws you out of the scene. Now you’re masturbating to some absurd costume drama, like an idiot”

  • Voice Over

    Yes, I also heard “never gave up their loyalty to the British Crown.” and I agree with everything you have typed in terms of the audio. But the voice over was over the word “Colonists” – 5 seconds before the loyalty to the Crown line. If you still have it, give it another look.

  • Elanor Gamgee

    LOL, well, if in fact they went back to dub over the word “colonists” and yes, his mouth moves in a way that looks different than “colonists” this this scene has a whole other layer of silly. They went back to make his diatribe more accurate? LMAO! Hey, it ain’t funny unless it true! LOL