January 15, 2013 — Jared Diamond

The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 9044 (January 15, 2013)
GUESTS: Jared Diamond
SEGMENTS: Lance Armstrongs Interview with Oprah | Monkey on the Lam – Macaque Attack – 1,381 Days of Simian Terror in Tampa | CataCoffin CataCombo Sound System | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Shirt | Black/Grey Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Oh, such a fine bicycle shorts black suit with a marvelous silver and black striped tie set off against a crisp white, barrel cuffed, dress shirt.

Stephen Colbert Standing

No surprise Stephen unleashed a peloton metaphors; for him, writing metaphors is as easy as falling off a bicycle. Setting off a break away into laughter and made a criterium of that whole segment. Rouleur! Sir! Do we have a Commaissaire in the house to make a call on that one! Lance’s Pants! Lance’s Pants – fun to say!!!

"Lance's Pants, Lance's Pants" says Stephen Colbert

Spoiler Alert, Spoiler Alert! Lance Armstrong is banging Oprah! The Story of O Returns! And Oprah is most satisfied after hours and hours and she didn’t ease off Mr. Armstrong – stamina, man, stamina!

Stephen Colbert declares Lance Armstrong is banging Oprah

Monkey on the Lam! If you swoon to Stephen Colbert’s marvelous narrative baritone, then carry on! As the reporter says, “I have seen the monkey, I have followed the monkey, I have written about the monkey … “ but the question is, has she spanked the monkey?

Stephen Colbert reports on the Monkey on the Lam

Now, The Colbert Report is known for sharing the obscure and outlandish, the Catacombo is just plain weird. Music to die for! Can you think of something more hellish than an eternity of listening to Nickel Back. Though listening to Mr. C crooning, well, swoon!

Catacombo music system reported by Stephen Colbert

Catacondoms, inspired! “After all, you’re dead, not married!” Well done, Sir, it just too you 3 minutes to set up that one! And thanks for the smirk!

Stephen Colbert promotes Catacondoms

Okay, on to the interview with Jared Diamond who has pterodactyl on his tie? “Primitive societies” in say, Montana! The upside is that the elderly are treasured in their end days; the down side, end days come at 32. Their life expectancy of 32? Then Stephen admits he would have been dead months ago. And how often do you get to hear in an interview, “The widow strangling is not involuntary.”

Stephen Colbert breaks while describing his mission to be King of Beans

Find out what he means by “I could be Vann Camp, King of Beans!” But they ask, “What good is an electric can opening if you don’t have cans?” – heck, what good is an electric can opener if you don’t have electricity! Steve Jobs business model, “sell them the electric can opener and lease them the cans.”

Stephen Colbert's Colbrow

Who would have thought, Dr. Jared Diamond doubles as the mascot for the Fighting Irish!

Dr. Jared Diamond is the Fighting Irish Mascot

  • colbaby

    “Sounds like Lance gave her a one night subscription to O. More on this if I have to, Oprah. Release the tapes.”

    Something about the way he said ‘release the tapes’ in that faux-arrogant Papa Bear-ish way killed me. I don’t know if he was in particularly good form last night or if I’m just in a particularly giggly mood this evening when I watched it, but I was in stitches this entire episode. 8 minute Monkey on the Lamb segment? Anthropology based interview? More bad puns that you shake a stick at? It was like it was tailored to my needs. My largely primate related needs.

  • Mr. Arkadin

    I really very,very satisfied by the edited audio of Oprah talking about her wild night with Lance Armstrong.

    I also quite liked Stephen’s interview with the Amish, fighting Irish guy in the red coat.

  • CN Helper

    @Mr. Arkadin I was equally satisfied with that fine edit of “Lady O.’

    The CataCoffin has to be the strangest thing ever featured on the Colbert Report. I mean, really? Music piped into your coffin? A playlist you can manipulate playing to your loved one’s corpse? I thought the gun rack bed thing Stephen featured a while back was nuts, but this is whole new level of stupid intriguing. “I mean you’re dead, not married.” Briliant line, but disturbing concept, to say the least. Sorry, I am still a little skeeved out by that segment!

  • llama

    Elanor, great job on the guide, btw. Thanks for all the great caps! The catacombs thing, what was it called? well whatever it was called was weird. I know he said he doesn’t do Colbert Platinum anymore, but I think that would’ve been a good thing for it. I mean, you would have to be stinkin’ rich to get a complete waste of an afterlife item like that. Even if you believe in the afterlife, they are supposedly up in heaven, not in the grave with their bodies, I mean I just don’t understand why anyone would want that. The only thing it would be good for is someone with a sick sense of humor who wants to scare the living by creeping them out with music coming from underground as you’re visiting the grave of your grandma. Okay, onto the interview, if only the guy was wearing a green suit instead of red, the fighting irish thing would’ve been absolutely spot on, not that it wasn’t spot on, but just saying.

  • Elanor

    Thanks, Llama, and yes, that CataCoffin CataCombo Sound System was another way God is letting you know you are making too much money! Perhaps it would work better in a fast freeze cadaver place, ewwwwww. Frozen heads with ear buds – gotta keep that out of my image banks. The sound system might beat the heavenly harps and choirs though.