EPISODE NUMBER: 9041 (January 9, 2013)
GUESTS: Neil Shubin
SPECIAL GUEST: Peter Grosz (McGnaw the Gluten Free Beaver)
SEGMENTS: Idaho’s Walled & Armed Community | Gun Control Backlash | Thought for Food – Wheat Addictions | Sign Off – McGnaw the Gluten-Free Beaver
SUIT REPORT: Navy Suit | White Shirt | Grey Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, January 9, 2013
“2012 was the hottest year on record, we think. The record book burst into flames. This is the Colbert Report!”
Idaho’s Walled & Armed Community
The Citadel is a “community” in Idaho. It’s just like every other community in the U.S. It’s armed and from the looks of it, lawless. It has firing ranges, a firearms museum, gun factories and a library. “Because after a long day of building guns, admiring guns and shooting guns, sometimes you just want to kick back and read about guns”
There’s no homeowner’s association and no need to recycle anything. “So go ahead and mix your glass, paper and plastic. You’re free now.”
If you all want to join you may have to explain your past associations with racist and/or subversive groups that want to overthrow the govt. “This is a chance for you to finally have someone read your 700 page manifesto on how the CIA is collaborating with foreign bankers to rig the results on ‘The Voice’”.
If you want to live there, be prepared to be forced to own an AR-15 and know how to use it. You must demonstrate proficiency by hitting man sized steel targets from 100 yards away. “Hitting man sized steel targets , of course, is the only way to be prepared for invasions of Tony Stark”.
Gun Control Backlash
“Make no mistake, they are coming for our guns and we freedom loving gun lovers are defenseless, other than, you know, the guns.”
Veep Biden has been working on a task force to figure out how to stop gun violence. Unfortunately as he was talking about this just today, there was another school shooting in CA. I have to say, it’s really hard to laugh at this kind of stuff, even with Stephen on the case. Then current NRA head Wayne LaPierre opened his mouth and wants every school to have armed guards.
“They could work it into the Prom theme. ‘Enchantment Under the Siege’”
Then that corrupt (allegedly) sheriff in Arizona said he wanted armed volunteer posses to guard the schools, “because nothing reassures parents more than surrounding our kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays”.
It’s really easy to laugh at this, though. The former head of the NRA thinks we shouldn’t discriminate against guns. No, not gun owners…guns. She says, “Banning people and things because of the way they look went out a long time ago…the color of a gun, the way it looks”.
Thought for Food-Wheat Addiction
A talking man on TV is saying that wheat is as addictive as crack. Well, I can kinda see the point, but crack? really? Because wheat bread has a lot of sugar, it’s very addictive. “That’s right. Bread. Dough. Satan’s loaf. The crusty crank. Droppin’ some pumpernickel, chasin’ the multi-grain dragon.”
Stephen looked awfully proud that he was able to get out that string of slang names for bread, didn’t he? In response to this shocking news, Stephen announces a new campaign to educate kids to the dangers of “ridin’ the white bread pony”, McGnaw the Gluten Free Beaver.
He offers some great advice on how to ‘just say no to wheat’ and suggests that kids eat wood. When Stephen calls that dumb advice, he gets a little offended and suggests Stephen eat, well, a part of his anatomy.
Then he kinda takes over and gets the audience to go along with the whole idea.
Turns out he was just going through wheat withdrawals, so Stephen hooked him up with some hot dog buns. “Now, I’m gonna have to call my sponsor”.
The biological scientist shares his book, “The Universe Within: Discovering the Common History of Rocks, Planets, and People.” He upsets Stephen by claiming we are all related to plants. Sure. Okay.
Stephen: Why must you make me feel small?
Neil: Well, it’s not about our feelings…
Stephen: No, it’s about my feelings.
“Did you just mock me? You were all like ‘Yeah, whatever’”
Sign Off-McGnaw the Gluten Free Beaver.
Apparently, Stephen decided to take the advice after all.