January 9, 2013 — Neil Shubin

The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 9041 (January 9, 2013)
GUESTS: Neil Shubin
SPECIAL GUEST: Peter Grosz (McGnaw the Gluten Free Beaver)
SEGMENTS: Intro – 1/9/13 | Idaho’s Walled & Armed Community | Gun Control Backlash | Thought for Food – Wheat Addictions | Neil Shubin | Sign Off – McGnaw the Gluten-Free Beaver
SUIT REPORT: Navy Suit | White Shirt | Grey Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Intro – 1/9/13

“2012 was the hottest year on record, we think. The record book burst into flames. This is the Colbert Report!”

Idaho’s Walled & Armed Community

The Citadel is a “community” in Idaho. It’s just like every other community in the U.S. It’s armed and from the looks of it, lawless. It has firing ranges, a firearms museum, gun factories and a library. “Because after a long day of building guns, admiring guns and shooting guns, sometimes you just want to kick back and read about guns”

There’s no homeowner’s association and no need to recycle anything. “So go ahead and mix your glass, paper and plastic. You’re free now.”

If you all want to join you may have to explain your past associations with racist and/or subversive groups that want to overthrow the govt. “This is a chance for you to finally have someone read your 700 page manifesto on how the CIA is collaborating with foreign bankers to rig the results on ‘The Voice'”.

The Colbert Report on the CIAIf you want to live there, be prepared to be forced to own an AR-15 and know how to use it. You must demonstrate proficiency by hitting man sized steel targets from 100 yards away. “Hitting man sized steel targets , of course, is the only way to be prepared for invasions of Tony Stark”.

The Colbert Report on Iron Man

Gun Control Backlash

“Make no mistake, they are coming for our guns and we freedom loving gun lovers are defenseless, other than, you know, the guns.”

Veep Biden has been working on a task force to figure out how to stop gun violence. Unfortunately as he was talking about this just today, there was another school shooting in CA. I have to say, it’s really hard to laugh at this kind of stuff, even with Stephen on the case. Then current NRA head Wayne LaPierre opened his mouth and wants every school to have armed guards.

“They could work it into the Prom theme. ‘Enchantment Under the Siege'”

Enchantment Under the SiegeThen that corrupt (allegedly) sheriff in Arizona said he wanted armed volunteer posses to guard the schools, “because nothing reassures parents more than surrounding our kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays”.

It’s really easy to laugh at this, though. The former head of the NRA thinks we shouldn’t discriminate against guns. No, not gun owners…guns. She says, “Banning people and things because of the way they look went out a long time ago…the color of a gun, the way it looks”.

Thought for Food-Wheat Addiction

A talking man on TV is saying that wheat is as addictive as crack. Well, I can kinda see the point, but crack? really? Because wheat bread has a lot of sugar, it’s very addictive. “That’s right. Bread. Dough. Satan’s loaf. The crusty crank. Droppin’ some pumpernickel, chasin’ the multi-grain dragon.”

The Colbert Report on wheat addictionStephen looked awfully proud that he was able to get out that string of slang names for bread, didn’t he? In response to this shocking news, Stephen announces a new campaign to educate kids to the dangers of “ridin’ the white bread pony”, McGnaw the Gluten Free Beaver.

McGnaw  the Gluten Free BeaverHe offers some great advice on how to ‘just say no to wheat’  and suggests that kids eat wood. When Stephen calls that dumb advice, he gets a little offended and suggests Stephen eat, well, a part of his anatomy.

Then he kinda takes over and gets the audience to go along with the whole idea.

McGnaw the Gluten Free Beaver with Stephen ColbertTurns out he was just going through wheat withdrawals, so Stephen hooked him up with some hot dog buns. “Now, I’m gonna have to call my sponsor”.

Interview – Neil Shubin

The biological scientist shares his book, “The Universe Within: Discovering the Common History of Rocks, Planets, and People.” He upsets Stephen by claiming we are all related to plants. Sure. Okay.

Stephen: Why must you make me feel small?
Neil: Well, it’s not about our feelings …
Stephen: No, it’s about my feelings.

“Did you just mock me? You were all like ‘Yeah, whatever'”

Neil Shubin on The Colbert ReportSign Off-McGnaw the Gluten Free Beaver

Apparently, Stephen decided to take the advice after all.

Defeat the Wheat

  • Mr. Arkadin

    Just wanted to give llama a shout out (Hey!) for this excellent episode guide. It captures what this episode was all about. Particularly, the stills. Nice job!

    @Erika: Does that last still mean that “Stephen” is a “lustful w**d monster?” Just wondering.

  • llama

    @Mr. Arkadin
    Thanks so much! It’s always nice to know the effort that we all put in is well received! For some reason this episode was a little harder than usual to recap. It actually seemed longer than other eps but I know it was normal length. Must be me. :-)

  • llama

    Yeah, hey all…the guy playing McGnaw was Peter Grosz, who left the show awhile back. Did anyone hear if he’s coming back? or maybe it was just a cameo?

  • Caroline

    I loved McGnaw the Gluten Free Beaver. That was great how “Stephen” started to freak out when McGnaw began to win over the studio audience. Peter Grosz did a great job. Maybe McGnaw can be a recurring character?

  • lockhart43

    I loved everything about this episode. As suspected, both Jon and Stephen tackled the gun control debate perfectly. Jon got to the point where he didn’t even try to hide his anger this week, and Stephen managed to make great points while still being able to slyly call LaPierre an idiot. And Peter Grosz! I was so excited to see him again, he was always one of my favorite writers/recurring cameos on the show.

    Scientists and historians do so well on this show (with a few exceptions, naturally). I feel like they just come into the interview with such a well-developed sense of knowledge of how to explain themselves and for some reason they’re able to deal with “Stephen” with a good humor and straightforwardness that I always appreciate. Plus, I think it’s easier for “Stephen” to have a go at them while Stephen is silently (or not so silently) interested in what they’re talking about, so they tend to get more comfortable. So I really enjoyed the Shubin interview, especially toward the end. And finally, on a fangirl level: is it just me, or is Stephen looking particularly fantastic? That holiday break certainly did him justice. Kudos to the wardrobe department this week for their excellent suit and tie choices as well. Those guys and gals know what they’re doing!

  • applepies

    @Lockhart, I agree–he’s looking great this week. I hope it’s because he got some much deserved rest!

  • whatsername

    Stephen’s satire is so multi-level — “So sad; banning a gun because of its color. I’m sure if Dr. King were alive, he’d be standing with the NRA.”

    The first time I watched I just thought — “Ha, funny because it’s a twisted use of Dr. King’s
    ‘not judged by the color of their skin’ quote.”

    It wasn’t until I saw it on a repeat that I realized, “and he’s not alive today because SOMEONE SHOT HIM!”

  • TS

    I have a new mascot/hero!