January 8, 2013 — Chris Kluwe

The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 9040 (January 8, 2013)
GUESTS: Chris Kluwe
SEGMENTS: Intro – 1/8/13 |Postage Price Hike | Cheating Death – Rage & Blood Transfusions | Bin Laden Film Controversy | Sign Off – VACSA-TERN
STAFF CAMEO: Jay Katsir – “Jay the Intern”
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Navy Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Stephen Colbert drinking wine

“Oh, I want to go skateboarding. Lolz twitter skinny jeans.”

I was watching Bill Cosby’s recent appearance on Jimmy Fallon, and he was saying something to the effect that people over 50 view younger people differently, and don’t understand a lot of stuff that is important to the younger generation. I was reminded of this watching Cheating Death, as Stephen desperately tried to siphon the essence of youth from Jay the Intern. All I can say is, Stephen, I know 50 is around the corner, but you’ve always stayed so hep and current, so please don’t go to the crotchety-old-man-dark-side! Stay with us!

Chris Kluwe was an entertaining guest; he was unflappable with Stephen, and seemed very comfortable with him. He seems like a sweet, nerdy guy who could possibly kill you via punted football. Athletes don’t make for the most talkative guest on the Report, but he did a good job of bridging that gap.

What did you think of the episode? Be sure to comment strong!

Intro – 1/7/13

Tonight! Science finds the key to a long, healthy life. Whatever it is, I bet it tastes great fried.

Controversy over the new Bin Laden film. I knew they shouldn’t have let him do his own singing!

And my guest, Chris Kluwe, is an NFL punter and a gay rights advocate. Wow, that’s pretty brave for an NFL player to admit he’s a punter.

Jimmy Kimmel starts his new 11:35 time slot tonight. But since he’s my direct competition, I refuse to mention him. This is The Colbert Report!

Postage Price Hike

Stephen Colbert on postage increase “Let me get this straight, Post Office. I put a letter like this in a metal box on any street corner in the nation, say, Miami, and within a couple days it’s delivered to Seattle, Washington, and for that you want forty six cents! What…am I made of cents?”

Cheating Death – Rage & Blood Transfusions

“Prescott: See what everyone’s suing about.

Folks, we are all searching for the secret to longevity. But me, I’m not worried, because according to my medical history, I have been alive every day of my life. So…project that forward, I will never die, okay, that’s math.

Introducing: Vacsa-ternity, a wonder pill that will add years to your life in a single dose.”

Vacsa-ternity“Open up! Give me my pills!

Side effects of Vacsa-ternity include: abdominal foosball, elbow baggins, and the humpty-hump.”

Stephen Colbert with Prescott Pharmacuticals“Vacas-tern. Here’s how it works: just find the pre-installed spigot on the intern’s back.”

Stephen Colbert with the Foutain of Youth“Man has long searched for the Fountain of Youth. We’ve tried it all: potions, plastic surgery, watching Benjamin Button while standing next to a microwave. It’s gotta do something.”

“Apparently absorbing the blood of the young can reverse the effects of aging. which is great news, otherwise I would have to resort to something disturbing, like exercise.”

Bin Laden Film Controversy

Stephen Colbert on Zero Dark Thirty controversy

“Okay, subject closed. Though not the subject they’re asking about. Which is did the CIA feed Bigelow false information to justify the CIA’s torture program as effective when it is not? That is a “knotty subject” that I am not sure the Senate is prepared to investigate. The only way to know the truth, is for Kathryn Bigelow to make a movie about Kathryn Bigelow making this movie, and then make sure that the CIA feeds her information that the information the CIA previously gave her was true. Now I know that logic may seem tortured, but we know torture works. I saw it in a movie!”

Interview – Chrise Kluwe

Chris Kluwe on The Colbert ReportChris Kluwe: The reason I wrote the letter is that as an elected official, Delegate Burns does not have the right to stifle someone else’s free speech, that’s the First Amendment. When he wrote a letter saying “Stifle this man’s free speech,” it sort of irked me as an American, and it segwayed quite nicely into the same-sex marriage issue, because I firmly believe that people are people, and deserve to treated the same as everyone else.

Sign Off – VACSA-TERN

Stephen Colbert looking into mirror

  • Josh Garrett

    As a Packer Fan, I’m glad Kluwe can find time to focus on something other than perfecting punting. As a human being, I couldn’t be happier that some of those distractions are spending time standing up for the rights of others.

  • Erika

    @Josh Garrett
    As a Vikings fan, I hope the 49ers CRUSH you this weekend! :) hahaha

  • Erika

    This was a very enjoyable episode. My husband is a postal carrier, and we hear a lot of crap about how the post office is losing money (not true) and that we don’t even really need them (bwahahaha) so I quite liked the little opening bit Stephen did. Also, cheating death! Sometimes child-proof caps really do give me quite a good deal of rage, making me younger by the minute! :) I wonder if Kathryn Bigelow will still come onto the show at a different time? What a crazy story that is!

    Chris Kluwe!!! I had joked to some people that I had unfortunately seen a lot of my favorite Viking in the game last week, and Chris made the same correlation last night….lots of Kluwe=bad game. Of course Stephen had to hit me where it hurt, with the lutefisk comment, but it was all worth it just to hear him say our new favorite phrase around here: “lustful c**kmonster”. Also the slapping was pretty wonderful! Great great interview.

  • Sophie

    That picture of Stephen with the wine glass is giving me such “sadistic, but charismatic villain in a Tarantino movie” vibes

    make it happen Hollywood.

  • lockhart43

    Cheating Death was splendid! I loved that before Stephen could even say the joke, the audience laughed at the idea of Germans living longer when expressing anger. The bit with Vacsa-Ternity was so funny, and Jay the Intern! I’m still so happy we got Jay the Intern and Cheating Death in the same episode that that previous sentence didn’t even make sense. :)

    I was happy for the segment on the postal office, too. Jon’s made a joke similar to Stephen’s last night, that for 45 cents, the post office will take your letter and deliver it 3,000 miles across the country. For 45 CENTS. If anything, the post office is completely low-balling themselves, ha.

  • Ann G

    …and suddenly, we have a perfectly sensible explanation for vampires. I don’t know whether to say “wow, cool,” or “ew, creepy.” But funny either way. And LOL at Jay’s Vacsa-tern shirt.

    Chris Kluwe was a great guest. Fantastic interview, and he’s definitely an it-getter. I have now added “lustful c**kmonster” to my vocabulary.