EPISODE NUMBER: 9039 (January 7, 2013)
GUESTS: Jimmy Wales
STAFF CAMEO: Max Werner | Meredith Scardino
SEGMENTS: Stephen’s Holiday Break | Fiscal Cliff Deal and Disincentives | The Platinum Debt Ceiling Solution | Blood in the Water: Bill O’Reilly’s Racial Insensitivity | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Grey pinstriped suit | White dress shirt | Silvery Bluish striped tie.
VIDEOS: Monday, January 7, 2013
WELCOME BACK, STEPHEN!
Intro-”It’s 2013! Suck it Mayans! This is the Colbert Report” It’s nice to hear that again!
Stephen’s Holiday Break
The show was away for three weeks and Stephen spent the first six days just going to the bathroom. “it was a long election season”.
“Even though I had three weeks off, do not worry nation. I am not Rusty…Am I? wait I want to make sure I am not Rusty…Rusty Colbert? I’ll just google that hold on…OH! Do not google Rusty Colbert. Although he does look like me”
“I’m Stephen Colbert and I get super angry over gay penguins, or super gay over angry penguins, I don’t know”
Fiscal Cliff deal and Disincentives
“39.6% Mr. President? How is Kim-ye supposed to afford a baby now?”
Did he make up Kim-ye or is that their official couple name? I’m not up on such matters. The tax rate is going up and it’s punishing success. Ugh, sick and tired of hearing people complain about how punishing it is to get taxed higher. Taxes are still low for Puerto Rican rum guys, NASCAR people, algae growers and Hollywood film people. So Stephen has a new product out called “Capt. Colbert’s Pond Rum”
“Just like we would’ve plunged over the Fiscal cliff, we will hit the debt ceiling and…..go through it. Or get crushed by it. Or we might have to make a skylight in it which sounds nice but they rarely get caulked properly and when it rains it drips and it ruins your Seisel (?) carpet”
So now maybe congress is going to mint a trillion dollar coin that will magically fix everything. “We should’ve known a coin was Obama’s solution to everything, it’s right there in his campaign slogan; Change”
Blood in The Water: Bill O’Reilly.
“To this day [Wikipedia's elephant page] remains semi-protected until March 2014. Which means thanks to you, Wikipedia’s elephant page has more protection, than elephants.”
Then Stephen came to the defense of Papa Bear because of the liberal media’s latest attacks. I mean, you can’t insult Asians these days without getting called out for it by the liberal media. Anyone notice how as Papa Bear was saying that Asians “were hard-working and industrious” they were showing a clip, on Fox, of what appeared to be, well, let’s call them ‘ladies of the evening’?
WOW! Three “technical difficulties” in one segment. Is that a new record? Stephen managed to get sued three times in one segment for talking about Jews, Latinos, Women…I think he also threw in Vietnamese. I think Papa Bear’s show needs the “technical difficulties” screen. Although it may turn into ‘The technical difficulties Factor”.
A tie-less Jimmy Wales came on to discuss Wikipedia’s big budget that apparently doesn’t go to it’s unpaid writers and editors. I was actually distracted a little, by the new set. I have no idea what was said in the interview, but I remember a few things.
Stephen: “What’s your business model?”
Jimmy: “well, we’re a charity and we exist from donations from the public”
Stephen: “Okay, so you have no business model”
Stephen: “Why won’t you take advertising? It’s so easy, product placement. Under Marie Antoinette’s ‘Let them eat cake’ entry just have an Entenmann’s ad.”