December 10, 2012 — Diana Krall

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 9035 (December 10, 2012)
GUESTS: Diana Krall
SPECIAL GUESTS: Elvis Costello | Marc Ribot
SEGMENTS: Stephen for U.S. Senate! | Fox News’ Secret Presidential Recruit | Sign Off – Diana Krall – “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White shirt | Crimson striped tie
VIDEOS:Monday, December 10, 2012

PPP has Stephen handily leading all other candidates on SC voters “Wish List.”

Despite Governor Nikki Haley’s squashing of Stephen’s Senate aspirations, the clamoring of our fan base, South Carolinians and the main stream media is keeping the fantasy of “Senator Colbert” alive, at least for now. I think one day when Stephen hangs up his pundit hat, he should seriously think about running for Senate in S.C. No celebrity has been a more fervent promotor of his state’s attributes than he; and if anyone complains about outrageous things he has done or said in his career, they need only look at Al Franken, who seems to be doing quite well in the Senate, despite videos like this, which actually exist.

Anyhoo, tweet @nikkihaley #SpottedSalamander to, at the very least, get her to come on the show and announce her choice in person. That would be an epic win for the Report!

I could go on and on about this episode, but I will just say I loved Diana Krall on the show, “Glad Rag Doll” was hauntingly beautiful. The performance of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” with Krall, Elvis Costello, Stephen, and (the awesome) Mark Ribot, paired with a gorgeous, Christmasy set, would turn even the biggest grinch into a haver of holiday cheer.

Sorry if I got a little happy with too many screen caps. I am going to miss Stephen while he is off the air, so in anticipation I started freeze framing more than usual.

Well kiddos, what did you think? Sound off in the comments.

Beautiful Christmas Set:

“As a great lady once said, we gotta hang out.”

Stephen for U.S. Senate!

  • Speaking of me, everyone is speaking of me.

“Yes, I am a rock star in South Carolina, and not just because I ended my rally there with Herman Cain by biting the head off of a dove. It’s a local delicacy, lovely with a side of hominy.”

  • No, they love me in the Palmetto state because I love it. I love the beaches, I love the mountains, I love the beautiful old estates that have no negative historical connotations whatsoever.

“What! I am at least as crazy as Jim DeMint. He wanted to ban gay teachers from the classroom, I want to ban teachers from the classroom. With their knowledge agenda, I say let the free market decide what the atomic weight of carbon is.”

  • 20%, that’s like half.
  • My network contract prohibits me from taking on another full time job, so the Senate would be perfect.
  • But we must respect the democratic process here, wherein one person picks whomever they want.
  • Now the last thing I want to do is put any pressure on Governor Haley, or try to influence her decision, not that that would work. She has the wisdom of Solomon, the courage of Lincoln, and the balls of Margaret Thatcher. But hotter, really hotter.

And I certainly don’t want this to turn into another Blagojevich scandal, where, and I am just spitballing here, an ambitious would be Senator had a secret stash of a million completely untraceable former SuperPAC dollars, uses that money to buy political influence by transferring all if it to a shadowy fund located in the Governor’s state of South Carolina, that no one would be able to trace. That would be horrible, if that came out, which it wouldn’t, because like I said, it’s impossible to trace.

“They must have changed [the state drink], because when I was a kid it was a Big Gulp of alcohol and Hi-C.”

  • Now the lame stream media is saying that Haley has shut the door on my election bid – that is ridiculous! Because if getting a South Carolina trivia fact wrong disqualifies you for office, then Nikki Haley would have stepped down [after messing up the state amphibian question.]

“Oh, you know the state dish, Governor? It’s revenge. Best served cold, with a side of salamander milk.”

So Nation, do not give up the fight, keep tweeting Governor Haley why I would make a good Senator using the #SpottedSalamander

  • Or, Governor, you can end this by coming on my show and telling me your decision in person. Or maybe we can meet somewhere more convenient, like my Senate chambers.

Fox News’ Secret Presidential Recruit

“Since the brutal presidential election, there has been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News, and I am confident that eventually they will find one.”

  • Now while many people have called Fox News an organ of the Republican party, it was not Fox News’ fault that Republicans lost.
  • Ailes was not just encouraging Petraeus to run, he put a serious offer on the table, which was secretly taped, I assume, by Paula Broadwell hiding under the table.

If Petraeus ran for President, Murdoch would pay for it, Ailes would manage it, and Fox News would sell it to their audience.

Now, if you think about it, a news network choosing a candidate sounds like a conflict of interest. So don’t think about it, because it’s not really about conflict of interest. Ailes said he did because “the Republican field…needed to be shaken up…” So he was really just worried about casting his reality show.

As a TV producer, Ailes was trying to avoid a repeat of 2008, when Republicans nominated this cranky old guy (shows McCain), whom Fox News had to try to make a star. It was like watching a Matlock marathon of who killed the economy. The couldn’t save The John McCain Show even by making his running mate Honey Boo Boo (shows Sarah Palin.)

  • Now unfortunately, Petraeus turned down Roger Ailes, I assume, to spend more time not making eye contact with his family.

“But folks this does not mean that Ailes should not try this again in 2016, or that other networks should. I mean, MSNBC has already picked their guy.”

  • Let’s just give A & E a shot; they could pick one of those of folks on Hoarders. Nothing gives a candidate perspective like saving every newspaper since 1932. And you want a candidate with military experience?
  • The Food Network can nominate a red velvet cupcake. After all, it’s been to war (shows Cupcake Wars.)

“Ailes has said that the whole offer was really “more of a joke.” Which makes me think, why can’t a comedy network put a candidate for President? (Audience erupts in ‘Stephen’ chanting.” Stephen pauses.) Or, at the try least, a seat in the U.S. Senate.”

Interview & “Glad Rag Doll”

“Glad Rag Doll” (with Marc Ribot)

Sign Off- “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”

“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

  • lockhart43

    Stephen sang “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” with Elvis Costello and Diana Krall, and all was right with the world.

  • Mrc

    I’ve made mp3 of ”Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”:

    BTW, I love how they decorated studio.

  • Katt


    Thank you Mrc!! I’m not one for Christmas Carols, but ”Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” has always been my favourite. Stephen sounded beautiful, and the studio looks amazing!!

  • Tam

    Thanks, Mrc! That was beautiful. I’m so excited for Stephen singing all week.

  • karenatasha

    Tip of the hat to the show’s decorators: two big redesigns in two weeks!

  • CN Helper

    @Mrc Thanks Mrc! This goes straight to my ipod.

  • dentry

    @ Mrc Thanks for the MP3. What a fantastic show last night. I’m so looking forward to the rest of the singing this week.

  • lockhart43

    I don’t normally say this, because I never want any episode to be over, but the best part of this episode might actually be the ending, right when Stephen says, “Good night, everybody.” He says it with such an immense amount of joy and contentment, and with a big, bright grin on his face, no less. This whole episode made me smile, but that part especially.