EPISODE NUMBER: 9029 (November 28, 2012) GUESTS:Frank Oz SEGMENTS: Record Powerball Jackpot | The Word – Sisters Are Doing It to Themselves | Filibuster Reform | Sign Off – Stephen’s Muppet SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White/grey stripped shirt | Maroon/purple/white stripped tie VIDEOS:Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Jon Stewart: Now, I’m probably not the most educated person on Comedy Central. John Oliver: No, because that would be Colbert. You know that’s right. Jon Stewart: I’m probably second. Wyatt Cenac: No, that’s the South Park guys. Jon Stewart: I’m probably the third. I think I’m the third. Jessica Williams: No, there’s two of them! Jon Stewart: I’m the fourth. Jason Jones: Don’t forget by boy Tosh. Jon Stewart: I’m the fifth. Wyatt Cenac: Tosh is a hell o’lot smarter than yall. Jon Stewart: Mother****er!! I’m starting to think this is not a good idea after all.
Now back to tonight’s show …
GM and Apple are teaming up to bring Siri to cars. Or as Siri understood it: M&M and Snapples are teaming up to bring cherries to Mars.
Jimmy play my jam. ‘You’re a rich girl, and you’ve gone too far. Cause you know it don’t matter anyway. You can rely on the old man’s money’.
Let’s face it. I am not doing this show for my health. Just look at any picture of me from seven years ago. Now I can afford to build a time machine and go back and warn that guy not to do this show. We’re dying.
Now my wife and kids don’t recognise me, because I paid cosmetic surgeons to make me look like an Olsen twin.
Did you know that many of those brides and grooms on top of wedding cakes aren’t even legally married? You’re frosting in sin!!
Women are angry and defensive. You need proof? Go up to any single women and say, ‘the reason you’re not married, is because you’re angry and defensive’.
Men hate women who compete with them. That’s why it’s so rare for men to be attracted to women in the work place.
What is it like being famous for a character who isn’t you? Who gets to say and do things you don’t get to do? I’m asking for a friend. Is that fun?