November 26, 2012 — Jake Tapper

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 9027 (November 26, 2012)
GUESTS: Jake Tapper | Elvis Costello (by phone)
SEGMENTS: Stephen’s Thanksgiving & Holy Black Friday | Judge, Jury, & Executioner – Copyright Law | Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude – Pope Benedict XVI
SUIT REPORT: Navy pin striped suit | Pale blue shirt | Purple & navy blue striped tie
VIDEOS: Monday, November 26, 2012

“It’s greetings like that that make me want to punch a baby in the face. It’s actually a nicer story than it sounds.”

It was nice to see Stephen back in studio, looking re-energized and ready for a few more weeks before the show finishes up 2012. For your Monday night viewing loyalty, you were rewarded with lots of light topics, including Stephen’s appreciation for Homeland, the “sanctity” of Black Friday, Pope Benedict, and copyright law. The latter prompted the segment Judge, Jury, & Executioner (when was the last time we saw that one?), and a phone call from Elvis Costello, which was a nice surprise.

We’ll be getting this guide completed in a bit, but do share your thoughts in the comments.


  • Tonight! I tackle the exciting issue of copyright infringement. So be sure to bootleg tonight’s show for your friends!
  • Then, controversy over the birth of Jesus. It turns out, there was enough room at the end, but Joseph didn’t have enough Reward Points.
  • And my guest, journalist Jake Tapper, has written a book about American soldiers fighting in Afghanistan. Someday I hope to be brave enough to read it.
  • I’m back and I am better than sometimes. This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen’s Thanksgiving & Holy Black Friday

  • [Speaking about Homeland] Here’s what I can’t figure out? When do they charge their cell phones? They are always on them! They are never plugged into anything! …and it’s always like full bars. DC, Beirut, Baghdad, great reception. Makes the whole thing kind of unbelievable.
  • I celebrated [Thanksgiving] in the traditional manner with my family, or as the Indians call them, “maize.”

“But as we know Thanksgiving is just a preamble to the holiest day of the year: Black Friday, when Americans come together to bow before their lord, the Walmart Roll Back Guy. ‘Cuz Jesus isn’t the only one who saves. “

“Black Friday has biblical roots. That’s when the Three Wise Men got that killer ‘Buy Gold & Frankincense get Myrrh Free’ deal.”

Frankly, I am worried that Black Friday is being ruined by commercialism…Whatever happened to trampling people for the love of the game?

Judge, Jury, & Executioner – Copyright Law

  • It is a textbook copyright case, in that it is a copyright case about textbooks.
  • 1.2 million dollars! In textbook prices, that’s got to be like 8 books.
  • I’m sorry I don’t buy this “First Sale” argument, and if I did, I would not resell it. Because I don’t have the right.
  • Ebay illegal?! That could de-stabilize the global market in Welcome Back, Kotter board games.

“So you are free to resell anything still made in America, like your truck, or your meth.”

Convo with Elvis Costello

  • SC: I am having a garage sale…and calling all the copyright holders to work out a profit sharing arrangement.

  • SC: Elvis, I am having a garage sale tomorrow.
  • EC: Oh, a garage sale! Do you need any help setting up tables? Can I be the cashier? I do love counting money.
  • SC: No, I’m sorry, Elvis, Sting is going to be the cashier. No, I am just calling because I want to ask your permission to sell my old copy of My Aim is True.
  • EC: Well, obviously, we’re friends, but I’ve got to get my beak wet on this. How much money are we talking about?

  • SC: Uh, I am going to put it in the dollar bin.
  • EC: I’m honored. What’s my take?
  • SC: I am offering you 12 cents.
  • EC: Stephen, that is my debut album. It’s a blistering indictment of the deadening of romantic dreams, and an irreplaceable moment in my youth. I want 15 cents.
  • SC: I’ll give you 14.
  • EC: 14, and you throw something in from the garage sale.
  • SC: Like what?
  • EC: A used bunt pan.
  • SC: A used bunt pan? I am sorry, the best I could do is a dented muffin tin.
  • EC: You fell for my trap, I already have a bunt pan.
  • SC: You son of a bitch!
  • EC: Have fun with Sting.

Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude – Pope Benedict XVI

Jesus always saves Santa during the “Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, every Christmas has its share of Yule Log-Jammers, but this year it comes from an unexpected source: Pope Benedict.

“Jesus is a celebrity, of course he shaves a few years off. Anyway, it just means that he was almost 40 and he still had those abs. That’s a miracle. “

  • Now as a lifelong Catholic, I have stood by the Church during its various trials and public tribulations: the debate over birth control, the role of women in the Church, and a third controversy I have taken drugs to forget. But frankly, I got Nativiteed off, when the Pope mentioned that [there were no animals in the manager.]
  • No animals in the manger? Who died and made you Pope? Oh, another Pope, ok, well that’s convenient.

Hey, your Holiness, you know what else is never mentioned in the Bible? The Pope.

  • Let me just double check here.. pope, pope, pope…nope.
  • Even if you are trying to buzz stomp my yuletide barnyard, I will still leave out milk and cookies for you.


image courtesy Mediaite

  • Jake Tapper: [On the Fiscal Cliff negotiations] It’s like the movie Saw…you have to either cut off your arm or die. So, they will cut off their arm.
  • Tapper: I’d been covering the war from the comfort of the North Lawn of the White House. And I didn’t know as much as I needed to know about the war…suddenly when you are talking about 8 dead Americans, 8 sons that I was learning about that had been taken from this earth, as I was holding my new son, it became a lot more real.
  • karenatasha

    I thought the Pope Benedict piece was brilliant, especially that scathing end. Wow. And I thought Jake Tapper was very together for the interview–no surprise, I guess, as he’s a regular in front of the camera. But he never got fazed. His book just sounds so sad to me. I know that in almost every war there are useless campaigns that end up with lost lives, but it never ceases to make me angry and upset. If there’s a good reason to fight, and a good plan for doing it, then it’s a sacrifice we accept. But not this self-generating stupidity.

    Needless to say, Elvis Costello was a delight, as always.

    About that quote: Isn’t it “It turns out there was enough room at the INN…?”

  • llama

    Yes, light topics. I think Jon took a page from Stephen and started out the show with a light subject. I liked listening to him go on about his Thanksgiving dinner. I have to say, I would much rather hear about that than listen to stories of the media’s coverage of the Israeli-Hamas conflict.
    That is why I love Stephen’s show more. It’s lighter, generally speaking.
    So, I am really hoping there was someone in the audience who can explain the “punching the baby in the face” comment. that was a headscratcher.

  • Anna S

    I know! I absolutely want to hear the baby punching story! The interview was hard, but I so appreciate that Stephen and Jon shine a light on the wars. We have some Australian troops in the Middle East (nowhere NEAR the number of US troops, just a small number), but we almost never hear about the war in newspaper coverage (I don’t watch TV news). It only makes the news when someone is killed, which I find even sadder. Surely if they’re risking their lives it’s for something important enough that we should be talking about it BEFORE people die, not just afterwards. It was good to hear Jake Tapper talk about how he became interested in the outpost and motivated to learn more and tell their story.