November 14, 2012 — Tony Kushner

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 9025 (November 14, 2012)
GUESTS: Tony Kushner | Christopher Steiner
SEGMENTS: Who’s Attacking Me Now? – Canadian Broadcasting Corporation | High-Frequency Trading | High-Frequency Trading – Christopher Steiner
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White Shirt | Black & white dotted tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Great timing that folks in Windsor got their dander up over their little shout out in America Again. It allowed Stephen to bust out the book a little bit before Thanksgiving break time. Really, the book is jam packed with jokes, and even Windsor is not immune. As you can see from the poll results below, its more enlightened residents are quite pleased with their new moniker.

The bit with Christopher Steiner and the stock trading was truly frightening, although the notion of converting stock trading over to an algorithmic system sort lends itself to potential fraud, doesn’t it? This is certainly something in need of oversight and regulation. I am sure our lame-duck Congress will get right on it. *Cough.*

I will be adding more to this guide in a bit, but what did you think? Do share in the comments. [Updated]


  • Tonight! How is technology revolutionizing Wall Street? Now you can lose your life savings in High Def.
  • And my guest Tony Kushner penned the screenplay to the movie Lincoln. No one tell me how it ends.

“An oil painting of Bob Barker is on ebay for 3.5 million dollars. I bid: one dollar. This is The Colbert Report!”

Who’s Attacking Me Now? – Canadian Broadcasting Corporation

  • Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for your support, you know I mean that. Welcome to the Report. I have to got to thank you people for standing with me, and standing by me, and standing behind me, because for seven years running, the Report has been the #1 news show on this network at 11:30. That’s official just found that out.
  • Now folks, you don’t get to the top without making a few enemies. So once again, it’s time for Who’s Attacking Me Now?

Don’t get you tookes in a twist, Cannucks. The quote actually reads, “Windsor, Canada?” Question mark. It’s a question! As a journalist it’s my job to ask these probing questions. Could the earth’s rectum be Windsor? I don’t know, it could just as easily be Winnipeg.


“Apparently, ‘The Earth’s Rectum’ is an improvement over Windsor’s previous reputation. So you’re welcome, Windsor. You just go the ‘Colbert Bump’. Feel free to make this your new city flag. “

High Frequency Trading

  • Folks, Wall Street has taken a lot of heat lately. You destroy the global economy once, and everyone forgets all the times you didn’t destroy it.
  • Plus, our finance sector is much safer now, because Wall Street has removed the weakest link: man.
  • Though humans still play an important role, as seen here at Goldman Sachs. (shows footage from The Matrix.)
  • Now folks, super fast computers are necessary for something called High Frequency Trading, or HFT, or hffttt,, for the sound of your pension evaporating.
  • Now in high frequency trading, traders can move around millions of shares around in minutes, earning a tenth of a penny off each share. And that adds up to serious money, when they finally take it down the Wall Street Coinstar.

“Like if instead of just doping, Lance Armstrong made everyone else eat a turkey dinner. “

High Frequency Trading — Christopher Steiner

Chris Steiner: [Online trading] has gotten so out of control that the thing limiting these algorithms is the speed of light.

Stephen: So in other words, they want to make these trades so fast that the ultimate speed of the universe, the speed of light, is not fast enough?

CS: There are now chips that execute trades in nanoseconds.

CS: [During the “Flash Crash” of 2010 the pipes to these exchanges were so full of fake trades that the whole [market] slowed down.

Stephen: Are [these algorithms] self-aware? Is this The Matrix? Are you Keanu Reeves. do you know Kung Fu?


Stephen Colbert: This heroic portrait worries me because people often compare Obama to Lincoln. Do you think there’s a comparison between the two guys, what they are both from Illinois?

Kushner: Both from Illinois.

SC: So was Capone.

Kushner: That’s certainly true. I feel the connection is Obama is a progressive centrist, as Lincoln was. Both believed in government-

SC: Lincoln was Republican..”R” next to his name….And I don’t think Obama could pull off the look. In a stovepipe hat maybe, but if he had that beard, he would look too much like The Rent is Too Damn High guy.

  • llama

    Loved the opening Price is Right joke. I saw that Windsor poll online the day before and I voted. That was great. Canucks are definitely it-getters.