November 12, 2012 — Ken Burns

EPISODE NUMBER: 9023 (November 12, 2012)
GUESTS: Ken Burns
SPECIAL GUESTS: Jon Stewart | Trevor Potter | Ham Rove | Riley Dinello
SEGMENTS:David Petraeus’ “All In” Affair | Colbert Super PAC SHH! – Karl Rove and Jon Stewart  | Colbert Super PAC SHH! – Secret Second 501c4 – Trevor Potter  | Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude – Santa’s Pipe | Sign Off – Goodbye Colbert Super PAC
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Blue tie with diamonds
VIDEOS: Monday, November 12, 2012

Don’t crack up!! :-)

David Petraeus’ “All In” Affair 

Now that Petraeus has admitted to having an affair with his biographer, who knows who else has had affairs with their biographers? Once again, Stephen had to issue another apology to Doris Kearns Goodwin, because he called her a nasty name after suspecting that she had an improper relationship with Lincoln.

“This explosive revelation puts every biographer and subject under suspicion — meaning we can now say with some certainty that Doris Kearns Goodwin banged Abraham Lincoln … You Pulitzer Prize-winning whore!

Once again, my apologies to Doris Kearns Goodwin. She is a great lady, no one should ever say that about her.”

Stephen then had to admit to having an improper relationship with his biographer, himself.

“Folks, it’s time for me to come clean. I had an improper relationship with my biographer. I spent a lot of time alone with the author of these books. There was a connection and let’s just say he got a little handsy. And I did things I never thought I would do, but have been doing for decades. I’m sorry.”

Colbert Super PAC SHH! – Karl Rove and Jon Stewart

Stephen thinks he is in danger for not delivering Mitt Romney and after a stage light falls in back of him he gets scared and he starts blaming Jon for the actions of the PAC. When Jon comes out and denies all wrongdoing, they decide to take it all out on Ham Rove. Poor Mr. Ham, he gets it again.

“Give them…..the ham”

Colbert Super PAC SHH! – Secret Second 501c4 – Trevor Potter

Once again, Trevor works magic, figuratively, and Stephen does magic, literally, to make Stephen’s little Super PAC problem go away. Basically, whatever money you collect in a Super PAC can be funneled through another super PAC into a different super pac that no one knows about and you don’t have to pay taxes and you don’t have to notify ANYONE!! Ain’t America great?

Presto Change-O. MAGIC (POW!!!)

Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude – Santa’s Pipe

“The Night Before Christmas” gets a politically correct makeover. Santa’s pipe is gone, and he has fake fur on. Where does it end man?

“Santa can’t quit smoking. He needs that vice. You try dealing with the stress of delivering the world’s toys in a single night. We’re lucky he’s not doing a pa-rum-a-pum-bump of coke off Blitzen’s ass.”

“Folks, for me Christmas is all about tradition. Trim the tree, wrap the presents, hang the stockings, untangle the lights, wash my hands 17 times, re-tangle the lights and write a letter to Santa asking him for more OCD meds”

“They’re gonna cut off his egg nog, make him lose weight and no more Saturday nights with his ho ho ho”

Ken Burns

Ken comes on to talk about his two new films, “The Dust Bowl” and “The Central Park five”. I think he is definitely an overachiever.

The Dust Bowl was a massive storm that moved a patch of dirt the size of Ohio halfway across the country. It killed crops, livestock and people and the devastation lasted for a decade. It was a manmade storm. But the science is not in on that yet. 😉

The Central Park five is about the 1989 Central Park jogger case, where five kids admitted to a crime that they didn’t do. After working on this film the government came to Burns with a subpoena and it sounds as if he told them in no uncertain terms to go take a hike.

Sign Off – Goodbye Colbert Super PAC

No more Super PAC fun.

Riley Dinello chowin’ on Ham Rove.

  • lockhart43

    Jon Stewart! Trevor Potter! Ken Burns! This episode had so much awesome. Bless Stephen for that first segment about his SuperPAC. It infuriates me to know that all of that money that was donated to c3’s and c4’s is essentially being divvied up between those at the top. Donate it to charity, people. Seriously. I know you won’t. But please do. Unless they shelve it for a later date, I have a feeling Stephen might.

    Also, it needs to be stated how adorable Paul Dinello’s dog is.

  • karenatasha

    If we can’t have a toss–Jon Stewart in the studio is even better! The two of them seemed ready to crack up even before the routine began. I have never seen such joyful smiles. And what could be more appropriate than the killing of Ham Rove? Following the FOX debacle, Rove was ready to get put on the platter and carved up. But I fear for Paul’s dog, eating such rancid meat. (And yes, Lockhart, he IS adorable.)

    It seems as if Stephen decided to put all the election stuff to rest in one fell swoop–and with one last SuperPac lesson. I have no fear that whatever Stephen does with that money will be fine. I’m pretty sure the rest of the crooks with their secret Pacs are not as trustworthy. Our system needs a big change.

  • llama

    I don’t know, I don’t buy all this Rove-big-guys-are-gonna-kill-me stuff. I suppose it could be true, but I have a feeling it’s all made up to get ratings.

  • CN Helper

    I am kind of sad to see the PAC go, but it is an appropriate time as any. The whole ep was kind of a goodbye to the PAC- one last visit with Trevor, a little Jon shout out, and the carniverous desecration of Ham Rove by Riley (isn’t that Paul’s puppy’s name?)

    I imagine that the money will go to a worthy cause, but we may never know where, as the money is already “gone.”

    For all the charlatanry of SuperPACS, it is comforting to know that they did not produce the intended of effect of influencing our politics this year, except for some congressional races. That needs to get fixed too.

    Thank you Stephen & crew for bringing this PAC to us and all the hard work that went into it.

  • applepies

    That was a brilliant SuperPac conversation with Trevor Potter. We are lucky as a nation to have satirists like Jon and Stephen and helpful lawyers like Potter to help the national conversation with these matters–something that most people would be unaware of without the shows. They summed it up simply and brilliant and Stephen even threw in a magic trick!

    But I know we are all thinking it… Stephen… what are you going to do with the money? He loves his fans, and surely he must know we’re all wondering about it. The good thing is, I think we can trust him to use it wisely.