EPISODE NUMBER: 9023 (November 12, 2012)
GUESTS: Ken Burns
SPECIAL GUESTS: Jon Stewart | Trevor Potter | Ham Rove | Riley Dinello
SEGMENTS:David Petraeus’ “All In” Affair | Colbert Super PAC SHH! – Karl Rove and Jon Stewart | Colbert Super PAC SHH! – Secret Second 501c4 – Trevor Potter | Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude – Santa’s Pipe | Sign Off – Goodbye Colbert Super PAC
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Blue tie with diamonds
VIDEOS: Monday, November 12, 2012
Don’t crack up!!
David Petraeus’ “All In” Affair
Now that Petraeus has admitted to having an affair with his biographer, who knows who else has had affairs with their biographers? Once again, Stephen had to issue another apology to Doris Kearns Goodwin, because he called her a nasty name after suspecting that she had an improper relationship with Lincoln.
“This explosive revelation puts every biographer and subject under suspicion — meaning we can now say with some certainty that Doris Kearns Goodwin banged Abraham Lincoln … You Pulitzer Prize-winning whore!
Once again, my apologies to Doris Kearns Goodwin. She is a great lady, no one should ever say that about her.”
Stephen then had to admit to having an improper relationship with his biographer, himself.
“Folks, it’s time for me to come clean. I had an improper relationship with my biographer. I spent a lot of time alone with the author of these books. There was a connection and let’s just say he got a little handsy. And I did things I never thought I would do, but have been doing for decades. I’m sorry.”
Colbert Super PAC SHH! – Karl Rove and Jon Stewart
Stephen thinks he is in danger for not delivering Mitt Romney and after a stage light falls in back of him he gets scared and he starts blaming Jon for the actions of the PAC. When Jon comes out and denies all wrongdoing, they decide to take it all out on Ham Rove. Poor Mr. Ham, he gets it again.
“Give them…..the ham”
Colbert Super PAC SHH! – Secret Second 501c4 – Trevor Potter
Once again, Trevor works magic, figuratively, and Stephen does magic, literally, to make Stephen’s little Super PAC problem go away. Basically, whatever money you collect in a Super PAC can be funneled through another super PAC into a different super pac that no one knows about and you don’t have to pay taxes and you don’t have to notify ANYONE!! Ain’t America great?
Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude – Santa’s Pipe
“The Night Before Christmas” gets a politically correct makeover. Santa’s pipe is gone, and he has fake fur on. Where does it end man?
“Santa can’t quit smoking. He needs that vice. You try dealing with the stress of delivering the world’s toys in a single night. We’re lucky he’s not doing a pa-rum-a-pum-bump of coke off Blitzen’s ass.”
“Folks, for me Christmas is all about tradition. Trim the tree, wrap the presents, hang the stockings, untangle the lights, wash my hands 17 times, re-tangle the lights and write a letter to Santa asking him for more OCD meds”
“They’re gonna cut off his egg nog, make him lose weight and no more Saturday nights with his ho ho ho”
Ken comes on to talk about his two new films, “The Dust Bowl” and “The Central Park five”. I think he is definitely an overachiever.
The Dust Bowl was a massive storm that moved a patch of dirt the size of Ohio halfway across the country. It killed crops, livestock and people and the devastation lasted for a decade. It was a manmade storm. But the science is not in on that yet.
The Central Park five is about the 1989 Central Park jogger case, where five kids admitted to a crime that they didn’t do. After working on this film the government came to Burns with a subpoena and it sounds as if he told them in no uncertain terms to go take a hike.
Sign Off – Goodbye Colbert Super PAC
No more Super PAC fun.
Riley Dinello chowin’ on Ham Rove.