November 7, 2012 — Doris Kearns Goodwin

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 9021 (November 7, 2012)
GUESTS: Doris Kearns Goodwin
SEGMENTS: Four More Years of Hopey Change | Nontraditional Non-White America | Polling Irregularities & Vote-by-phone Scam | Wind Power’s Health Hazards | Sign Off — Solace in a Bottle
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | Blue shirt | Yellow striped tie | Bath robe & backwards cap
VIDEOS: Wednesday, November 7, 2012

So much packed into this episode. I love that Stephen chose to get all depressed and rant-y to open the show, because that’s what a lot of conservatives have been doing, well, everywhere on the web and in social mediaeven a few drunken youtube rants. Don’t drink and broadcast your political views via webcam, is my advice.

We also got in a great closing credits to “America,” appropriately. I am sad to see that “America” is over – she was just getting warmed up for someone 250-ish. Speaking of old persons, Wilford Brimley was great to have back on the show, this time injuring himself while attempting to vote by fax.

Doris Kearns Goodwin (can we just call her Doris? my fingers are getting tired) was a great choice for proper reflection this day after election day. It was sweet when she asked Stephen’s character how he was coping. Great acting in this episode, because Stephen looked genuinely distraught all the way through.

What did you think? Share your thoughts in the comments.


  • Block the vote
  • Green Pity Party
  • Doris Day

Four More Years of Hopey Change

“What are you people doing here? Shouldn’t you be out celebrating? Because evidently, you don’t listen to anything I say. I’ve been bringing you the truth hot and hard for seven years, and how do you repay me? Four more years of hopey change. What do you think? I do this night after night for your amusement? I do it for America. What’s the point?”

“Okay, apparently I am contractually obligated to do a show. So if I have to, I have to. Let’s talk about the big election.”

“Last night due to a technicality called the constitution, Barack Obama was reelected President. (audience erupts into cheers) Uh, f**k you. This was no landslide, folks, it was like a 51(%)/ 49-er. Just because Obama won these blue states up here, he’s the President of all of them now? I mean, look Romney all that red stuff, why don’t we elect our President on square footage! Because Romney won some big states. Whole damn South. Louisiana? Nawlins loves Mitt Romna.”

“But evidently here’s the deal: of the nine key swing states, Obama won eight. I don’t…I mean, how? Even Pennsylvania, despite the fact that after a week after Hurricane Sandy, thousands of Amish remain without power.”

  • Anyways, Obama won. America is done. It’s over. Jimmy, roll the credits.

  • Written and directed by Thomas Jefferson, Executive Producer: Jesus
  • Filmed on location in Vancouver, Canada. Special thanks to: Slaves

Nontraditional Non-White America

  • There’s a simple reason why America is over: because last night’s election wasn’t decided by real Americans.
  • Yes, traditional America is no more, ok? That’s all American traditions. No more trick or treating, no more Homecoming, when someone sneezes you have to say “Happy Holidays.”
  • The white establishment, guys like us, are in the minority now. And we are helpless against this tide of non-white people who want stuff and things. They’re the thing-stuff-wanters.

Whereas traditional white people, of any race, we don’t want things. We have things.

  • It’s not just White America that’s endangered, it’s Man America. Just ask MSNBC news dabbler Donny Deutsch.

“19 female senators out of 100. That’s where America’s demographics are headed: 20% women. This is why I have said we have to close our porous borders with Vagistan. I don’t know about you, but I can never find the capital of that place. “

Polling Irregularities & Vote-by-phone Scam

  • The election was marred by voter irregularities. First of all, the East Coast got to vote 3 hours earlier, that can’t be fair. And there was that one place where that one black guy was…that’s scary stuff.
  • Yes, because are susceptible to whatever they see on high school walls. Which is why in 2008 New Hampshire voted in Governor Jeremy + Abby 4-Eva.
  • Yesterday, my own voting experience left much to be desired. For one thing, my booth was completely out of toilet paper, and no matter how many times I pulled that lever it wouldn’t flush. I just got the hell out of there.

I saw all sorts of voting irregularities. You are not allowed to campaign within 100 feet of a polling station, but I saw countless signs telling me to vote for some guy named “Aqui.” That doesn’t sound American to me!

“And the illegal electioneering went all the way to the ballot itself. All over the country, what did voters have to do on their scan tron sheets? Fill in an “O,” where have I seen that before? And no surprise-it starts out white, and you’re forced to fill it in black. You’re not fooling anybody!”

Call from Wilford Brimley

  • Stephen: Wilford, what are you doing? I’m trying to do a show here.
  • WB: I’m votin’ by phone. I got a call from a robot yesterday telling me I could do it today as long as I did it over the phone.
  • SC: Why did you call me?
  • WB: I got you on the speed dial. You’re “1.”
  • SC: But Wilford, you can’t vote by phone.
  • WB: How dare you suppress my vote after I served my country?! I was a rodeo clown.
  • SC: I know, thank you for your service. I am not-
  • WB: Fine, I’ll vote by fax (fax noises)
  • SC: Wilford, are you ok?

Wind Power’s Health Hazards

  • One of things that got me depressed about Obama’s reelection was that speech he gave last night on evidently Nairobi time, laying out his priorities for the next term.
  • You hear that? “Warming planet” – that’s global warming. Whether we want alternative energies or not, he is going to bend America over and stick solar power where the sun don’t shine. But as I suspected, alternative energy comes with risks.
  • Yes, living near a windmill can ruin your health. That’s why everyone in the Netherlands is always sparking up their medical marijuana.
  • [on the health effects of the wind turbine blades] I’ve heard the same complaint about the Gillette Fusion Power Phantom Razor.
  • Herpes. Yes, herpes. As in, “no, baby I didn’t cheat on you. It was the windmill. It used my toilet seat.”

“Which of course, begs the question: who’s been f**king our windmills?”

  • Now, Wind Turbine Syndrome might just seem like an unrelated collection of symptoms to the untrained eye. By the way, untrained eye- also a symptom of Wind Turbine Syndrome. But the reason it seems that way is because it probably is.

Just because it’s made up doesn’t mean it’s not contagious.

  • The Nocebo Effect is a negative placebo effect. It’s why I had my doctor take me off my placebos. They kept curing my hypochondria.
  • You can get Wind Turbine Syndrome just by hearing someone talk about it. Like I am doing now.

And because it doesn’t actually exist, it stands to reason, you can catch it from any green technology I don’t approve of. For example, do you live near a solar panel, or do you own a solar powered calculator? […] Sounds like you have a bad case of Solar Panel Syndrome.

The point is, Obama’s going to kill us all. So we should just keep burning fossil fuels, that way the problem won’t be all in your head – it’ll be spread evenly throughout your lungs.



  • Stephen: Who do you think Obama is? And who do you think he thinks he is?
  • DKG: I think he sees himself as a figure in history. And that’s a good thing. It means he wants to be remembered in time for having done things that matter, for having changed America in a good way. And you want a President doing that, you don’t want them to just float around to “Hail to the Chief” and leave after 4 years. The expression on your face says no.
  • SC: I wanted Obama to go out after 4 years for any reason at all.
  • DKG: Are you really sad?
  • SC: I don’t if I am sad, I am disappointed in, you know, them.
  • DKG: The people.
  • SC: The people, that they bought the lie.
  • [Stephen musing Romney’s potential regrets] What if I had told anybody what my plans were?

Sign Off — Solace in a Bottle

  • karenatasha

    Aw, I love those pictures from the intro, head on desk, no glasses, backwards baseball cap. He looks like a sad little boy!

    Both he and Jon were on fire last night, with FOX News providing some excellent comic fuel. I was hoping for an appearance by “Ham Rove,” but maybe that will still happen, given that Rove continues to be in the news for election night performance. The credits made me laugh then, and they’re still making me laugh every time I see a still photo with them.

    “There’s a simple reason why America is over: because last night’s election wasn’t decided by real Americans.” It’s funny when Stephen says it; sickening when the right-wingnuts do, because they actually mean it. *Shudder*

  • lockhart43

    I think this will go down as one of those episodes I could watch over and over again. Start to finish, it was such a solid show. The beginning of the show, with Stephen in that robe and backwards ball-cap? Adorable. And so in tune with his character, just wanting to give up and not do the show after the disappointment of the night before (full disclosure: the screecap of him giving the middle finger is my cover photo on facebook).

    Doris Kearns Goodwin was marvelous! She’s one of the few people that can get away with calling Abe Lincoln sexy. She has such a wonderful rapport with Stephen, too, which makes her interviews so enjoyable. And Stephen’s last line about if only Romney had told anyone what his plans were was just *sigh* so, so good.

  • CN Helper

    @lockhart43 I agree with everything you said, and love that bird-flipping Stephen is now your profile pic!