EPISODE NUMBER: 9021 (November 7, 2012)
GUESTS: Doris Kearns Goodwin
STAFF CAMEO: Max Werner
SEGMENTS: Four More Years of Hopey Change | Nontraditional Non-White America | Polling Irregularities & Vote-by-phone Scam | Wind Power’s Health Hazards | Sign Off — Solace in a Bottle
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | Blue shirt | Yellow striped tie | Bath robe & backwards cap
VIDEOS: Wednesday, November 7, 2012
So much packed into this episode. I love that Stephen chose to get all depressed and rant-y to open the show, because that’s what a lot of conservatives have been doing, well, everywhere on the web and in social media – even a few drunken youtube rants. Don’t drink and broadcast your political views via webcam, is my advice.
We also got in a great closing credits to “America,” appropriately. I am sad to see that “America” is over – she was just getting warmed up for someone 250-ish. Speaking of old persons, Wilford Brimley was great to have back on the show, this time injuring himself while attempting to vote by fax.
Doris Kearns Goodwin (can we just call her Doris? my fingers are getting tired) was a great choice for proper reflection this day after election day. It was sweet when she asked Stephen’s character how he was coping. Great acting in this episode, because Stephen looked genuinely distraught all the way through.
What did you think? Share your thoughts in the comments.
- Block the vote
- Green Pity Party
- Doris Day
Four More Years of Hopey Change
- Anyways, Obama won. America is done. It’s over. Jimmy, roll the credits.
- Written and directed by Thomas Jefferson, Executive Producer: Jesus
- Filmed on location in Vancouver, Canada. Special thanks to: Slaves
Nontraditional Non-White America
- There’s a simple reason why America is over: because last night’s election wasn’t decided by real Americans.
- Yes, traditional America is no more, ok? That’s all American traditions. No more trick or treating, no more Homecoming, when someone sneezes you have to say “Happy Holidays.”
- The white establishment, guys like us, are in the minority now. And we are helpless against this tide of non-white people who want stuff and things. They’re the thing-stuff-wanters.
Whereas traditional white people, of any race, we don’t want things. We have things.
- It’s not just White America that’s endangered, it’s Man America. Just ask MSNBC news dabbler Donny Deutsch.
Polling Irregularities & Vote-by-phone Scam
- The election was marred by voter irregularities. First of all, the East Coast got to vote 3 hours earlier, that can’t be fair. And there was that one place where that one black guy was…that’s scary stuff.
- Yes, because are susceptible to whatever they see on high school walls. Which is why in 2008 New Hampshire voted in Governor Jeremy + Abby 4-Eva.
- Yesterday, my own voting experience left much to be desired. For one thing, my booth was completely out of toilet paper, and no matter how many times I pulled that lever it wouldn’t flush. I just got the hell out of there.
I saw all sorts of voting irregularities. You are not allowed to campaign within 100 feet of a polling station, but I saw countless signs telling me to vote for some guy named “Aqui.” That doesn’t sound American to me!
Call from Wilford Brimley
- Stephen: Wilford, what are you doing? I’m trying to do a show here.
- WB: I’m votin’ by phone. I got a call from a robot yesterday telling me I could do it today as long as I did it over the phone.
- SC: Why did you call me?
- WB: I got you on the speed dial. You’re “1.”
- SC: But Wilford, you can’t vote by phone.
- WB: How dare you suppress my vote after I served my country?! I was a rodeo clown.
- SC: I know, thank you for your service. I am not-
- WB: Fine, I’ll vote by fax (fax noises)
- SC: Wilford, are you ok?
Wind Power’s Health Hazards
- One of things that got me depressed about Obama’s reelection was that speech he gave last night on evidently Nairobi time, laying out his priorities for the next term.
- You hear that? “Warming planet” – that’s global warming. Whether we want alternative energies or not, he is going to bend America over and stick solar power where the sun don’t shine. But as I suspected, alternative energy comes with risks.
- Yes, living near a windmill can ruin your health. That’s why everyone in the Netherlands is always sparking up their medical marijuana.
- [on the health effects of the wind turbine blades] I’ve heard the same complaint about the Gillette Fusion Power Phantom Razor.
- Herpes. Yes, herpes. As in, “no, baby I didn’t cheat on you. It was the windmill. It used my toilet seat.”
- Now, Wind Turbine Syndrome might just seem like an unrelated collection of symptoms to the untrained eye. By the way, untrained eye- also a symptom of Wind Turbine Syndrome. But the reason it seems that way is because it probably is.
Just because it’s made up doesn’t mean it’s not contagious.
- The Nocebo Effect is a negative placebo effect. It’s why I had my doctor take me off my placebos. They kept curing my hypochondria.
- You can get Wind Turbine Syndrome just by hearing someone talk about it. Like I am doing now.
And because it doesn’t actually exist, it stands to reason, you can catch it from any green technology I don’t approve of. For example, do you live near a solar panel, or do you own a solar powered calculator? [...] Sounds like you have a bad case of Solar Panel Syndrome.
The point is, Obama’s going to kill us all. So we should just keep burning fossil fuels, that way the problem won’t be all in your head – it’ll be spread evenly throughout your lungs.
- Stephen: Who do you think Obama is? And who do you think he thinks he is?
- DKG: I think he sees himself as a figure in history. And that’s a good thing. It means he wants to be remembered in time for having done things that matter, for having changed America in a good way. And you want a President doing that, you don’t want them to just float around to “Hail to the Chief” and leave after 4 years. The expression on your face says no.
- SC: I wanted Obama to go out after 4 years for any reason at all.
- DKG: Are you really sad?
- SC: I don’t if I am sad, I am disappointed in, you know, them.
- DKG: The people.
- SC: The people, that they bought the lie.
- [Stephen musing Romney's potential regrets] What if I had told anybody what my plans were?
Sign Off — Solace in a Bottle