June 28, 2012 — Aaron Sorkin

The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 8120 (June 28, 2012)
GUESTS: Aaron Sorkin | Emily Bazelon
SEGMENTS: Cable News Gaffe on Obamacare Supreme Court Ruling | John Roberts as Obamacare Swing Vote | Obamacare & The Broccoli Argument | Obamacare & The Broccoli Argument – Emily Bazelon | Sign Off – Colbert Super PAC – Super Fun Pack Treasure Box Finder
SUIT REPORT: Grey suit | White shirt | Dark blue / white stripped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, June 28, 2012

Cable News Gaffe on Obamacare Supreme Court Ruling

We gotta get straight to the big news rocking the country.  A decision that will have repercussions for virtually every American because this morning Ann Curry left the Today Show.

It was a tearful moment for everyone. Followed by six recipes to turn your tears into a refreshing summer cocktail.

Of course there was one other big decision today. For months we have waited for the Supreme Court’s ruling over the constitutionality of Obamacare and the Individual Insurance Mandate and this morning, we got the news we wanted.

(Various clips play with newscasters announcing that Obamacare has been ruled unconstitutional)

No. It. Has. Not… You. Suck. At. News.

Oh!  What a novel idea!  Read the decision before you open your mouths and break a man’s heart.  ‘Cause evidently, folks, evidently there’s more to a Supreme Court ruling than just the first page.

(Various clips play with newscasters announcing that Obamacare has been ruled constitutional)

…Thank you.

So, evidently my colleges in cable news jumped the gun.  Well, that happens to the best of us.  I mean just look at last week’s Colbert Report Book Nook:

Alright, uh, it is, uh, 11:05.  We are waiting on the book.  Any moment I expect-  Okay, and the book’s just in. The just book’s- It’s, it’s a Tale of Two Cities.  Classic, Charles Dicken’s novel.  Let’s get right to the story, folks.  I’ve- okay, I’ve got it right here.  Here we go:  It was the best of times.  There you have it folks.  Breaking news from page one.  It was the best of times.  Now, while we don’t have all the information there’s clearly joy in one of these two cities.  We don’t know which two cities yet.  It could be Minneapolis/St. Paul, we’re checking on that. Once again, out top story tonight:  Times are best.  But could they get better under a Romney presidency?  We’ll have more with our panel later. Once again, the details are still emerging but all we know, for sure, right now is that “it was the best of times, it was the worst”- oh.

I have not been that embarrassed since I endorsed Leo Tolstoy’s epic novel, War.

John Roberts as Obamacare Swing Vote

Of course, folks, the most shocking aspect of all of this is who stabbed us in the back, then provided coverage for our stab hole.

J Rob! How could you!?! I trusted you! Where’s the man who said unlimited corporate money was speech? Where’s the man who voted against equal pay for women? I don’t even know who you are anymore.

Nation, this is the worst betrayal since Benedict Arnold teamed up with Judas to stab Caesar right in the croutons.

Folks, I am not the only one who’s had their man crush crushed.  Republican congressman and Georgia peach, Phil Gringrey said of Roberts:

Are you happy Justice Roberts? Now Phil Gringrey is gonna have to spend another night drinking alone.

And, Georgia, friend of the show, Georgia’s Jack Kingston was even more crestfallen, tweeting:

Well, if it’s any help Congressman: Phil Gringrey’s looking for someone to drink with. And you know what? F*@k it! I might join ‘em. Look, why not? Why not? My liver’s covered now. I mean, if I don’t get cirrhosis I’m losing money.

We were fools. Roberts always been in Obama’s pocket. Think about it. He’s the one who single-handedly made Obama president and come to think of it- Come to think of it folks, what kind of name is John Roberts? Where’d he grow up? Indiana. Oh, isn’t that nice. That sounds suspiciously close to Indonesia. Where Obama ate that dog.

Plus, what kind of American sits around in robes all day and calls himself a chief?  I heard on Drudge that his middle name is (makes “clicking” noise of the KhoeKhoegowab language).

That’s it! I’ve had it. I’ve had it. I’ve had it. I’ve had it.

Obamacare & The Broccoli Argument

Folks, saving the mandate and calling it just tax is a disastrous government overreach!.. Oh yeah! I’ve said it before, he is going to make us eat broccoli. You know, funny, cauliflower isn’t covered. Maybe because it’s white. Yeah, I went there. Somebody had to say it.

This activist ruling opens the flood gates folks! If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax then there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom in a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy. And you know his buddy Roberts will make it all good by calling it a homomexual marijuana love glove sun tax.

Oh, don’t fool yourself, it’s coming folks and so is rationing medical care. They’ll cover your colonoscopy but you’re going to have to share it by joining a human centipede. So goodbye freedom!

But you know what, folks?  Uh, I may be a little bitter right now but, uh, my momma always said, if life hands you lemons make something out of them.  I forgot what it was.  Pie?

The point is, there is one bit of good news to report… Nation, the Supreme Court has upheld Romney Care. Thanks to the model Governor Romney provided in Massachusetts, millions of Americans will now be able to afford health insurance for the first time. He’s lifted a burden from so many families and finally brought America up to the standard of every other industrialized nation in the world. Thank you, Mitt Romney! But you know what, folks? This guy is so humble, I bet you will never hear him take credit for it.

Obamacare & The Broccoli Argument – Emily Bazelon

Folks, now that Obamacare has been ruled constitutional many questions remain. For instance, what? Here to tell me what is Slate Senior Legal Editor, Emily Bazelon

Stephen: 

Emily:Stephen:

Emily:

Aaron Sorkin

Stephen: I’m watching the show.  I’m enjoying the show.

Aaron:  I’m glad.

Stephen:  Okay, thank you very much.  I live to please you.

***

Aaron:  I was going to say, we- we shoot our show on the exact same stage they shot The Monkeys.  Um, and we’re after the same thing.

Stephen:  Really?

Aaron:  Yeah.  Our goals are the same as theirs.

Stephen:  Here you come walking down the street?  Get the funniest looks from-

Together: Everyone you meet.  Hey, hey-

Stephen:  It’s the newsroom.

Aaron:  That’s right.

Stephen:  You know your characters, the characters on your sh- You’re often criticized because your characters speak in these ponderous monologues.

Aaron:  Stephen, I’m just often criticized.

Stephen:  Yes, you are.

Aaron:  O-Okay?

Stephen:  But people often say that you don’t write the way people talk.  That people don’t actually talk to other people in fusillades of arguments.

Aaron:  Right.

Stephen:  In like, sort of a verbal Normandy that just overtakes not only the person they’re speaking to in the other chair but the audience that’s listening and that the person who’s saying it is actually just an expression of you, up on a mountain.  But is it Moses on the mountain top?  Or just Aaron Sorkin on his own pile of bullsh*t and he doesn’t have the golden tablets in his hands.  He’s- he’s just doing a line off the tablets, right there and saying, “Look at me!  I’m the f*@king king of media.”  People don’t talk like that!  You realize that’s not realistic?

Sign Off – Colbert Super PAC – Super Fun Pack Treasure Box Finder

Well, that’s it for the show everybody.  We’re about to take a two week break but before we go, this spring I introduced the Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack to empower today’s youths.  Now,  it came with a treasure map.  Well, folks, I’m happy to say the treasure box has been found.  Inside was an email address the winner could use to contact me and claim their prize.  Ladies and gentlemen please welcome treasure finder Daniel Stough.

Stephen:  Thank you so much!  Well, congratulations, congratulations.  I hope it wasn’t too hard.

Dan:  It was ridiculous.

Stephen:  It was, yes.  And you found it in what town?

Dan:   Uh, Dixon, Illinois.

Stephen:  The hometown of?

Dan:  Ronald Reagan.

Stephen:  That’s exactly right, Ronald Reagan.  Sir, here is your treasure.  An antique, silver turtle.  It’s a bell in the form of a turtle.  It’s great for attracting women if you’re into getting it on with a female turtle.  Okay?  Now, I also said that I would visit the college of whoever found the treasure.  So, Daniel, why don’t you tell everybody where I’ll be going this fall.

Dan:  You’ll be going to the University of Pittsburgh.

Stephen:  Woo!  It’s in driving distance!  Goodnight everybody, we’ll see ya in two weeks.  Enjoy your health care!

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, EVERYBODY!!! HAVE FUN AND BE SAFE NATION!!!

  • Prim

    good luck you americans for government-mandated health care!

    from South Korea, where health care is already government-mandated.

    • Kris

      Thanks, Prim!! Americans have long awaited the day that we could join the rest of the industrialized world by ensuring our people are able to visit a physician if ill or injured. Or, at least some American’s have ^_^

  • CN Helper

    I can’t believe that someone figured out the treasure!! Congrats to Daniel Stow (hope I am spelling that correctly.) It seems that University of Pittsburgh is in for quite a treat.

    Great show all around, but we’ll miss you for 2 weeks, Stephen and crew!

    • Kris

      I’m so jealous of Dan!!! However, from the Colbert Super PAC Treasure Hunt Solution video it is an understatement to say he deserved it! When it was found in Dixon, IL the narcissist in me freaked out. I’m traveling there in August for a Mumford and Sons concert. It made me laugh that Stephen pointed out that it was Reagan’s birth place. They have a statue of him there and apparently (unrelated) a guy who drives around in a car shaped like a giant chicken. I look forward to seeing both. If I had to choose one though, I’d take the chicken.

  • colbaby

    I think my favorite part was Stephen’s Sorkin-esque monologue about Sorkin-esque monologues. Brilliant. “Look at me! I’m the f***in’ king of media!” Also? The Monkees reference.

    And yes, kudos to Daniel. If you go to cn.com, there is a video of Peter Gwinn explaining how to work out the treasure hunt. The fun packers clearly had their work cut out for them.

    • Karenatasha

      Love both of those–only wish he’d really SUNG the Monkees’ theme. That would have been awesome.

      Great show. Of course, he and Jon had just been handed the story of all stories: how FOX and CNN both got the story wrong. It’s was made-to-order for our duo. And the Tiger Beat posters really cracked me up. Scalia made me ill even in that phony body, though. Maybe just thinking of him without a shirt….

      EEEWWWWW. I have to leave now.

    • Kris

      @Colbaby- That monologue was not only pitch perfect but it was an interesting glimpse (perhaps I’m reading too deeply here) into Stephen’s own perception of his character. I know I would certainly spend a bit of time pondering the sort of ethical and personal implications he brought up if I were him.

      @Karenatasha- I don’t think Stephen was allowed to sing the lyrics. It may have taken the show to a level of epicness that would have broken the time-space continuum. However, had they not photoshopped the picture of Scalia it probably would have evened the scales back out. That’s a hard choice: see Scalia’s man boobies or be denied Stephen singing The Monkeys…

  • juice

    I have got to stop watching while eating breakfast! I almost choked on my cereal (I’m fine now, thanks) when I saw the Tiger Beat posters. Scalia *wishes* he looked that buff!

    • Kris

      *Warning* Watching Colbert while consuming liquids or solids can be hazardous to your health.

      However, I imagine that the image of Scalia, though imposed on a fake body, was enough to make you loose your appetite. -_^

  • Mr. Arkadin

    “No It Has Not. You Suck At News!” The whole show was great. But that moment sticks out. Just the way Stephen delivered that line, in character, but also with more than a hint of righteous, disgusted, anger that I took as being real Stephen, made me happy.

    BTW Kris. If you ever get your new power cord or steal (Err, I mean “borrow.”) your friend’s computer I would really love to see some of the long shots of Emily Bazelon talking to Stephen. She had lovely thighs. :)

    • lockhart43

      “No It Has Not. You Suck At News!”

      One of my favorite parts as well! Also, “Oh what a novel idea! Read the decision before you open your mouths and break a man’s heart!” Stephen was upset with them because they got his hopes up for nothing, but the truth in those two statements is still totally there. Stephen getting slapped in the face was also nothing short of hilarious.

  • Kris

    Oh Mr. Arkadin, your wish is my command, sir. Now if I can tear you from Ms. Bazelon’s lovely legs for a moment ;) … Okay, okay just enjoy the legs (what is her secret?).

    • Mr. Arkadin

      @Kris Bless your big, beautiful heart! You’re too good to me, Kris!

      Although. I could have done without the Phil Gringrey photo and the human centipede diagram. I had successfully block both of those out of my mind…until now! Thanks a lot! :(

      But all is forgiven with those awesome gifs! :D

      Have a happy fourth my friend!

      • Kris

        So glad you enjoyed the caps Mr. Arkadin!! I cannot blame you for any disgust felt towards the human centipede diagram especially *shudders*. Couldn’t resist pulling the cap of Stephen cheering goodbye to freedom though. The Gringrey cap was not the first time I’ve pulled a cap in honor of the joke that accompanied it and to display the hilarious work of The Report’s graphics dept and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Its not an attractive picture for sure ;)

        Of course the best caps are Stephen centric and in that vein I bring the GIFs. Both moments were so funny! If you pay close attention to the face slap, you’ll notice that he was hit hard enough to make spit fly. Yikes!

  • lockhart43

    I’m glad Emily Bazelon was a guest again; she was really great the first time she was on (she did a fine job this time around as well). And Aaron Sorkin! Two episodes in, and I still haven’t been able to watch The Newsroom yet. Hopefully this week at some point *fingers crossed*. Loved Stephen’s Sorkinesque dialogue, too, of course. Some people really do talk like that – hardly any, but there’s still a few. I really wish more people did talk like that, actually.

    This two-week break really snuck up on me, though it makes sense with the holiday. Here’s hoping our boys enjoy it and come back just as brilliant as they left!