June 25, 2012 — Frank Deford

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8117 (June 25, 2012)
GUESTS: Frank Deford
SEGMENTS: Intro | Colbert News Alert – Obamacare Supreme Court Ruling | Colbert News Alert – Obamacare Supreme Court Ruling – Richard Mourdock’s Responses | The Word – Silver Maligning I’s on Edjukashun – Study Drugs | Sign Off – Five Finger Fillet
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | White Shirt | Maroon Tie
VIDEOS: Monday, June 25, 2012

A strong ep, with lots of goodies packed in. A Word ! An I’s on Edjukashun (oh how we’ve missed you)! Some great dance moves celebrating any malaise to be found in the news cycle! For anything bad seems to equal good for the desperately-trying-to-gain traction Romney campaign.

I really liked the I’s on Edjukashun segment. Studying and college admissions have really changed since I was a whippersnapper – now you have to be an adderall junkie just to hang in there with your peers. Great message for young people hoping to achieve their best. It has been shown that an Ivy League University education is really no better than going to a quality reglar’ ol’ University, so maybe forgo the pills (and the over-flated tuition) and enjoy sunny San Diego State, or something.

Mr. Deford was quite funny. I hope Katt doesn’t see the part where he and Stephen roundly dismiss soccer. I’m going to duck out of here right after I post this.

Actually I won’t…I will be updating with more content a little later.

What did you think of the episode? Comment away!

Intro

Tonight! Is the Romney campaign hoping for bad news? Well, they are vetting Senator Eeyore.

Then, the latest on education. Do you know that calculators can do more than just spell boobs?

And my guest Frank Deford has written a memoir about his life as a sports writer. I’ve Tivo’d his book so don’t tell me who won.

A Swedish woman had to sit next to a corpse for a ten-hour flight. Well, at least she got both arm rests.

I don’t want to brag, but I am such a great ventriloquist that I can make you chant my name while I drink water.

Colbert News Alert – Obamacare Supreme Court Ruling

The Supreme Court has decided Thursday, to decide today, that they will decide next Thursday. At which time Justice Roberts will hop into the General Lee, jump the Press Corps, and haul ass out of town screaming, “Nooooooo Healthcaaareee!”

Folks, this wait on the Obama Care decision has taken it’s toll on all of us in cable news.

Luckily, as a Fox Business anchor, Stu Varney has vast experience in reporting absolutely no information.

Of course, we conservatives are confident that the Court majority will rule in our favor. How confident? Richard Mourdock, Indiana GOP Senator Candidate and Dark Lord of the Withered Heath, pre taped his reaction to the eventual ruling last Thursday and accidentally posted his pre-sponse on Youtube.

It’s inspiring to see a man so confident he puts his balls on the felt and documents his prediction, and 3 other prediction.

Who know the next time you’ll be able to throw together a brick wall and and Edison Wax recorder?

Stephen’s Pre Taped Predictions

The United States has done what none of us have expected. The mandate has been struck down, there’s been another recount, and George Bush is president again.

Well, the United States Supreme Court, in a hotly contested 5-to-4 decision, has declared that Carly Rae Jebson’s “Call me Maybe” is the song of the summer. Also, no health care.

Today, the United States has done what none of us have expected. Justice Antonin Scalia revealed that the whole time he’s just been 4 black raccoons in a black garbage bag.

Sad news from Washington, as the United States Supreme Court has committed octople murder-suicide, leaving only Clarence Thomas to rule on Obamacare. He has remained silent.

The United State Supreme Court surprised many analysts today when Justice Samuel Alito announced he will be stepping down from the bench to become the base player for Iron Maiden.

Today, the long awaited decision on Obamacare came down- excuse me, excuse me, I said nobody in the break room. Okay? Get out, out!

The Word – Silver Maligning

Our economy has been as sluggish as slugs at a slug convention. It’s gotten so bad, I had to fire my metaphor writer.

Whoo! The economy is not getting better!

That’s enough jimmy, people are hurting.

Unfortunately for Mitt Romney, everything is not coming up dead roses.

“And many Florida voters are already easily confused. ‘Cause you know what else they think are ads for Obama? These.”

The Romney campaign knew they had to do something [Horse dancing!]

[The Romney Campaign] has asked Rick Scott to downplay the job gains, because it only helps Obama to paint a rosy picture. [Presently in his blue period.]

But for some reason, Governor Scott won’t say Florida sucks. [Maybe he’s never been there.]

It is so important that we conservatives all sing from the same hymnal. [Battle Hymn of the Republicans.]

No. That Obama’s beautiful day! Remember, it’s not partly sunny, it’s partly cancerous, with a chance of your wife leaving you for Ramon, the pool boy. [According to Diddler 5000.]

Even if it’s good news, we have to spin it in the worse possible light for the President. [Compact Fluorescent?]

For instance, in those few states where we have added jobs, just focus on what a drag it is to have to go to work every day….[Buzz Killed by Drone.]

I believe to get this country back on track we have to drag everyone down in the dumps, and I am ready to do my part.

“Due to a heart defect, a rare baby snow leopard has been euthanized. He was so young, he didn’t even have a name. Romney 2012!”

Because the only way that Mitt can win, is to remember the old saying: if it ain’t broke, insist that it is, and maybe they’ll hire you to fix it.

I’s on Edjukashun – Study Drugs

Anyone one with a teenager knows that the tightest end of the educational sphincter is college admissions.

Everyone is looking for that edge to help them spend a quarter of a million dollars on a worthless philosophy degree.

And folks, it keeps getting harder and harder. You’re up against an army of overachieving geniuses with an 8.0 GPA, who’ve played the violin since the second trimester, and whose extra-curricular activities include flying the chopper that got Bin Laden.

Yes, study drugs. A surefire way to improve your grades, if you’re too lazy to sleep with your teacher.

“Now if she could just get a prescription for gamma radiation, she could become Quiz Hulk.”

I know you, because the youth dig me. I am one of them, I am just kickin’ it, blastin’ the Dave Matthews, wearin’ khakis, usin’ a landline.

Everyone applying to elite schools is snorting Adderall. If you want to beat them, you’ve got to step it up. I suggest a cocktail of Provigil, Ectasy, and 50 Ccs of adrenaline in a cardiac needle like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction.

“That’s what getting into Stanford feels like.”

“This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?”

Okay, quiz time:

Keep hitting those books, and if that doesn’t destroy them, try using a wood chipper.

Interview

Dapper gent John Deford

[Soccer] is the only institution in the world where we don’t use our hands when we have a choice, and we use our head to butt the ball like that. And that’s why I think Americans are the only superpower left on the face of the earth.

Sign Off – Five Finger Fillet

  • llama

    OH GOD! I missed that sign off. I hate that knife-finger thing, it worries me. Anyway, so much to work with in this ep. Rick Scott…AAAAAHH! freaky looking. That batboy picture is usually what I see when I see Rick Scott. Well done!
    Loved the use of President Palmer to illustrate Floridians’ confusion, thinking those ads are Obama ads. :-D
    I like Mr. Deford. I have to agree with him and Stephen about soccer. Sorry Katt. I just don’t get it. I guess it’s an American thing, don’t think we will embrace it, not in my lifetime anyway.

  • Erika

    Whenever I see him do that knife roulette thing with his hands I think of the story he wrote in “Things I Learned From the People Who Dumped Me” by Ben Karlin. He said that his girlfriend at the time got him to stop doing that lol.

    I thought the pre-taped bit was hilarious and right up his alley since he’s written something like that before for The Dana Carvey Show/SNL. I knew right away that he wouldn’t be able to resist.

    The “I’s on edjukashun” segment really spoke to me, not because I was an overachiever, but because I was an underachiever who was constantly given meds like Adderall since I was in the fifth grade. That one was definitely the worst of all of them….. the side affects were awful and it did keep me up all night if I took it at the right time, so did occasionally use it to pull and all nighter on a last minute project.

    • Erika

      Please excuse my mistakes. Speaking of all-nighters, my baby got me up way too early this morning and I can barely see straight.

  • lockhart43

    Stephen saying “That’s enough Jimmy, people are hurting” with a smile on his face might have been my favorite part of the show last night. I just loved that for some reason. And like llama, I loved the President Palmer shout-out during The Word. I actually think that was two jokes – one for President Palmer (from the show “24,” for any of you who have no idea what I’m talking about), and two because old Floridians don’t know the difference between Obama and the AllState guy. Anyway, Palmer 2012!

    I missed the “I’s on Edjukashun” segments! I’m surprised that report about kids abusing Adderall and Ritalin is being talked about so much now, unless there’s just been a sudden surge in it again. That’s been going on for at least ten years, and I would say it could include college and all levels of high school kids.

    I was totally with Frank Deford until he started talking about soccer. You don’t have to like the sport; that’s all fine and good with me. But you can’t sit there and tell me that it’s not a completely beautiful sport. You try juggling a ball with your feet and attempting to kick it into a goal while other people chase you, sprinting up and down the pitch a million times, and then you can call it what you will. The line about America being the only superpower left because we’ve never embraced soccer did make me laugh, though.

    • Karenatasha

      Hear, hear, Lockhart! I am a FOOTBALL fan (the right name — after all, you don’t use your hands unlike the American version). I would like to point out to Mr. Deford that Brazil, which has won more World Cups than any nation, pretty much rode out the current economic crisis and is doing better than ever. Americans are moving THERE and Brazilians are moving back to their home country. A connection between that and soccer greatness? It cannot be denied!

      Would he have ever dared say that to Jon? I think not.

      Other than that, the show continued its run of fabulousness, with the Bat Boy segment taking the cake. Loved it!