April 9, 2012 — Bob Lutz

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8082 (April 9, 2012)
GUESTS: Bob Lutz
CHARACTER BREAK: From 00:38 – 00:45
SEGMENTS: Easter Under Attack: Bunny Vs. Bilby|Searching for Mr. Right – Mitt Romney & Iowa’s Steve King |Stephen Colbert’s Shame Spiral – Senior Citizen Gymnasts|Sign Off – Remembering Mike Wallace
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | White Shirt | Black & gray spotted tie
VIDEOS: Monday, April 9, 2012

What an amazing episode! The audience was totally on fire, giving Stephen a tremendous energy boost and great start to the week. We were just discussing Easter Under Attack in my Look Back Post, so nice to see that he squeezed in one Easter segment (and graphic) before the holiday was over. And some great Aussie Shout-Outs! I would totally love to see Tip of the Bush Hat, Wag of the Didgeridoo.

The truly stellar performance at Stephen’s congressional testimony came not from Stephen, but from Congressman Steve King. He never breaks character as a close-minded conservative, so it is no wonder that Stephen is highly recommending him for the honor of becoming Mitt Romney’s VP candidate.

I had seen the video clip of the German gymnast and was stunned at her performance; I think it gives us all hope that even as we age, we can keep going strong. This message clearly resonates with Stephen, giving rise to the delightfully dark new segment Stephen Colbert’s Shame Spiral, and vigorous pushups with Bob Lutz.

Stephen really seems to be in great shape! And looking great as always.

What did you guys think of the ep? Let us know in the comments.

Easter Under Attack: Bunny Vs. Bilby

First of all, before we start the show tonight, I have to take a moment here to give a big shout out to all my bronies. And I do want to reiterate that I do not know what that means.

Nation, there are a lot of nieces out there very excited right now.

Nation, I hope you had a fantastic Easter. I spent the holiday surrounded by family, going to church, and totally dominating my neighborhood Easter egg hunt.

Suck it, Tyler! I can’t believe, I cannot believe you fell for the old “go check under the hedges” trick. There was nothing under the hedges. I got all the eggs, including these three, I took it from him!

I won Easter! You can win.

And mine wasn’t the only display of Easter athleticism.

Yes, he’s God’s quarterback and evidentially Denver has higher standards than God.

Why Tebow on Easter? Well, that’s obvious.

"Yes, Easter is the Super Bowl of Christianity, when we celebrate the triumph of the ultimate ‘come from behind’ player: Jesus Christ. "

All Judea had counted him out but he emerged three days later and uttered those famous words. “I’m going to Disney World!” Where he delivered The Sermon on the Space Mount.

I’m sure that you think that now that it’s Monday, Easter is safe from the secular progressives out there but Jesus isn’t the only one who can surprise ya, this is Easter Under Attack!

Tonight (break). Oh, he’s packing! You better believe he’s packing!

Tonight, a disturbing attack from Australia, where because of the time change I believe it’s still Sunday or as they say, “Suddayme”.

"Now, I’ve always felt a special kinship with The Land Down Under. After all, if my Irish great-great-grandfather, Seamus Connelly, hadn’t jumped off that Sydney bound convict ship, right now I’d be doing segments like Tip ‘O the Bush Hat, Wag of the Didgeridoo and Alpha Dingo of the Week."

So, I assume that Australians celebrate Easter just like us. Except, of course, below the equator where Jesus comes out of the tomb counter-clockwise.

But the Aussies are about to eradicate the holiest symbol of Easter.

Easter Bilby? This is an assault on the sacred ritual of dying a rabbit pink and gorging on it’s chocolate offspring. Who wants a chocolate bilby? You know, you know it’s gotta creamy vegemite center!

Plus it makes no sense! The bilby is a marsupial, unlike rabbits, they don’t lay eggs. And now, now I’ve gotta go digging in it’s filthy pouch for my chocolate treats? They’ll melt!

Besides, if you want to replace the Easter Bunny, you already have a native Australian egg laying mammal: The duckbilled platypus. Children will love the Easter Platypus. If they’re good they get chocolate and if they’re bad he’ll stab them in the neck with his venomous heel spike, just like Santa.

Now, folks (aside to audience) it’s gonna catch on.

Searching for Mr. Right – Mitt Romney & Iowa’s Steve King

Folks, it’s officially the unofficial start of the 2012 general election. After a bruising republican primary season the foreplay is over and like all republican foreplay it was expensive, vindictive, and ended with something pretty predictable.

But now that Mitt Romney pretty much has the nomination nailed down, there’s one question everyone’s asking: Who will Romney pick as his running mate?

"For months, names like Marco Rubio and Paul Ryan have swirled through the rumor mill. Unfortunately, Bain Capital bought the mill and laid-off all the rumor mer-*#&$! Keep on going, well, keep going!"

Well, that’s not going to stop me from speculating wildly. Which brings me to my new segment: Searching For Mr. Right.

It is crucial that Romney pick a running mate who will help him with the groups he’s weak with. Women, Hispanics, African Americans, Evangelical Christians, and Republicans.

Now, one man, one man out there who would shore up Mitt’s support with the far right is Iowa Congressman and Unblinking Nordic Death’s Head, Steve King.

You may remember Congressman King from this historic exchange during my congressional testimony.

Now, I would like to apologize to Representative King, I have since learned the correct term is “cob gobbler”.

Well, in the last week, Congressman King has repeatedly proven why he is the number one choice to be the number two guy, starting with this nuanced critique of Obama Care.

Yes! In every state babies are born all the time who are delivered at home, don’t get any vaccinations, never see a dentist, make it through school without ever getting strep throat or head lice or pink eye or mono. Have perfect vision and never get sick as an adult, keep all of their mental faculties and die happily at the age of 110 surrounded by all of their loving children who also were born at home and never got vaccinated or sick.

After all, after all, Americans were fine before “modern medicine”. They worked hard, raised families, and passed away of natural causes at the ripe old age of 28.

Reason number two King is the perfect Veep. Steve King is looking out for small businesses. Last Monday, he outlines how business owners could avoid discrimination lawsuits from gay employees.

Hear that The Gays? It’s up to you to keep us from discriminating because once we know you’re gay I have a natural desire to fire you and unlike gay, discriminating is not a choice.

That’s why I insist no one at The Report tell me their sexual orientation from the lowest intern to my camera man Julian. Right, Jules?

Alright, say hi to the wife and kids for me.

So, folks, we don’t need anti-discrimination laws any more than we need the American’s With Disabilities Act. You hear that disabled people? Stop rubbing your disability lifestyle in my face! Just let me continue thinking that you’re a lazy man in a chair from the future.

And I say, you go Steve King! And I assume this means you won’t be telling us whether you’re gay. Although coming up with a great excuse to keep everyone in the closet is a pretty big hint.

So, Mitt Romney, take a close look at Steve King for the ticket but not too close, he might get the wrong idea. After all, we’re coming up on corn packing season.

Stephen Colbert’s Shame Spiral

"She's 86! Look at that. She's 84 years older than the average Chinese gymnast. She is old enough to retire from the AARP, meanwhile, I break a sweat bringing a fork to my mouth. "

"I'm fat. I mean I run every day….from the desk to interview table. That's gotta be 2 miles, or else why are my nipples bleeding when I get there?"

And Mom, I know you’re 91, but you are going wake boarding!

That’s it for this week’s edition of Stephen Colbert’s Shame Spiral. Now go away while I eat my hurt.

Interview – Bob Lutz




Sign Off: Remembering Mike Wallace

Catch the late Mr. Wallace’s 2007 appearance on TCR here.

  • Cosmo

    I’m commenting during the show because Stephen just had a great character break! If you’re taping the show go watch it. He had a hilarious Easter Under Attack segment too. 🙂

    • Cosmo

      According to someone who was at the show that was the second time he messed up so he just kept going. 😀

      • Kris

        You could tell he was frustrated that he broke, it having been his second attempt would explain why! It was even funnier because of it though^_^

        ~Word of the Day~

        For all of our edification the term “bronies” refers to the fans of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. However, while it seems to generally refer to the older, male fans of the show, it can be used for any fan of it.


        Wow! I can see why Stephen wasn’t too keen to admit any knowledge here. Though I have seen more than one artist’s rendition of both Stephen and Jon as My Little Ponies.

        Of course, now that you know that… I will have to kill you all ^_^ Fear my mighty Rainbow Dash Attack!

        • Gail

          I agree with everybody. Last night was genius, and his energy level could be bottled (Stephen’s Manergy, perhaps)

          Thank you for the Bronie explanation!

          • Kris

            No problem! I just had to know what it meant and when I found out, it was too good not to share:)

  • karenatasha

    Jesus with a gun is another pure Stephen breaker-upper. When he sees that graphic, he can hold it for about 20 seconds and then the game is up. It truly is one of the very best and funniest.

    Great show tonight–especially the destruction of Steve King. Well done, Stephen, well done!

    • lockhart43

      The Easter Under Attack and Christmas Under Attack graphics seem to be among Stephen’s favorites because you’re right, he always smiles and laughs whenever he sees them. That little choked up laugh he gives as he’s stifling his break is so wonderful.

      *sigh* Oh, Steve King…you’re horrible.

  • lockhart43

    The best part of the Steve King segment was when they replayed the congressional testimony video and you can see Zoe Lofgren fighting her laughter after Stephen said “corn packer” was a term for “gay Iowan”. It cracked me up to see her sitting next to King just trying not to laugh at that. And that Bain Capital character break (headdesk included!) made me so, so happy!

    Did anyone count how many push ups Stephen knocked out? I know Bob Lutz did more, but seriously, Stephen’s not playing around. I enjoyed that more than I care to elaborate. Also, a pint of Americone Dream to whoever thought to include that solid reference to Béla Károlyi during the Shame Spiral segment and for the phrase, “Now go away, I wanna eat my hurt.”

    • Cosmo

      Stephen did 38, Lutz did 49 (probably 50, because the camera cut away and it looked like he did one more). Not bad, and it looked like Stephen had better form. Or maybe that was just me… 🙂 Either way, they both did well. Coincidentally, Stephen tied exactly with Jon, who did 38 pushups in his contest with Paula Broadwell. 😀 Our newsboys have some kind of psychic connection!

      • anais0509

        I tells ya, it’s their soulbond. Can be the only ‘splanation why they’re both always in sync with each other. 😉

  • Katt

    It’s actually Tuesday when Monday night’s show airs, and not Sunday. We live in the future, not the past.

    Don’t even start me on the Easter Bilby push, which has been going on since I was in Primary School and still has not caught on. Australian’s get that it is an endangered species and that conservation efforts need to be put in place to save it, and their boost the population, but f***ing with our Easter Bunny is not the way to do it!!

    Vegemite is not creamy, and tastes nothing like chocolate dispite its brown colour. Ask any celebrity that has fallen for the Vegemite taste test on our talk shows. Just because it is brown doesn’t mean it will taste like chocolate. Vegemite is definitely not an Easter food.

    Bilby pouches are not filthy. They face backwards so they don’t fill-up with dirt when the mother is digging her burrow. Baby Bilby stays warm and clean as a whistle.

    Final rant. It’s just Platyus, there’s no duckbill in front of it. Much like Koala bear, it’s just Koala!! Bears are mammals, Koala’s are marsupials. A Platypus is one of five Monotremes – mammals that lay eggs instead of giving birth – they are also a Mammal and not a Marsupial.

    Think of Australian fauna like Ikea furniture – cute, but with a complex and innovative design.

    Australian nature lesson aside. Stephen we would love to have you come visit the Land Down Under, and will gladly teach in the ways of our weird and wonderful flora and fauna. We have plenty of content that could easily fill up a ‘Tip ‘O the Bush Hat, Wag of the Didgeridoo’ and ‘Alpha Dingo of the Week’ segments!!

    • CN Helper

      Wow! This was the penultimate Australian rant! But seriously awesome. I hope one day the Report makes it to Australia- why not? It would make for a great show week, and we would get elated taping reporTs from Katt and Anna S.

    • Karenatasha

      Ha–I was so wondering what you thought of all that, Katt! Glad to hear it.

      Stephen: please stand corrected! And then grace our fearless leader with a visit down under, ‘kay?

    • Anna S

      Go Katt! I actually don’t mind the Easter bilby – it’s not like Easter is spring time, new life etc. season for us anyway, so I don’t mind a bit more change to Easter tradition. And wild rabbits ARE a big problem here for farmers and native animals. But if the bilby provokes Stephen to defend Easter (and share his special bond with us Australians), all the better!

      BTW, LOVED the character breaks in this ep!

    • Hannah

      Yes to all of the above comments. Oh Stephen if only you’d come here we could explain the true beauty of our wildlife. Although I did absolutely crack up when he mentioned the poison spurs. (I take great pride in the amount of cute but dangerous creatures we have in Australia.) I admit, I’ve never had a problem with the Easter Bilby, it makes about the same amount of sense as an Easter Bunny. My main complaint when I was younger was that the Easter Bilbys you get are always smaller and cost more.

      • CN Helper

        Welcome to the community, Hannah, if you have not already been welcomed. Apparently there is divergent opinion about the E. Bunny vs the E. Bilby…maybe Katt has an outlier view? In any event, hopefully you can become part of our Australian Hubster chapter! I would love to meet more Aussie Colbert fans here.

      • Katt


        Welcome to the Hub Hannah. I completely agreee. They’re smaller, they cost more, they never change their pose and they are always wrapped in the same foil or come in a clear box. I might be more open to the idea of the Easter Bilby if they could mix things up a bit.

  • anais0509

    Number of times Stephen has gotten depressed, brought out a pint of Americone Dream, taken a couple of spoonfuls and then, with a mournful look on his face, proclaims that he’s “fat”: 3

    The other 2 times being:
    1) November 28, 2009, when Glamour Magazine readers voted that they’d do Jimmy (Fallon) and marry Stephen, with Stephen getting upset that they’d “cheat” on him with Jimmy
    2) October 25, 2011, when Stephen first hears about Jimmy’s B&J ice cream flavour beating his in sales

    Some running gags/jokes are worth recycling, and, for me, this is one of them. 🙂

    And bleeding nipples after running for 2 miles? Hm…I wonder if he’d rewatched Steve Carell’s Slimming Down With Steve segment on when he was running in the Boston Marathon and the same exact thing happened to him? Coincidence? Guess we’ll never know…

    I LOVED that character break!! I’ve been rewinding the clip during that part over and over again all day at work just to watch him head desk and bang his fist in “#%@&, not again!” fashion! Someone should make a gif of that! It’s funny that he preferes to tape a show flawlessly. He’s such a perfectionist for that. But, oh Stephen, sometimes the mess-ups are the best part of the show for us fangirls!

    So both Jon and Stephen have each done exactly 38 push-ups in challenges…I’d say that both of our boys are in great shape for their age (and happily so)! 🙂

  • lockhart43

    Really great screencaps, CN! Especially the headdesk picture. I was just now able to look over the ep guide. And I just watched that Mike Wallace interview (thanks for posting that as well) – what a delight. I’m really gonna miss him. I don’t know an immense deal about his reporting since the majority of it was before my time, but I know enough to think that he and Peter Jennings were some of the best.

    • CN Helper

      Thanks lock you rock! I was happy with this ep’s screen caps, there were so many great ones that I just couldn’t post them all, lest the post go on and on.

      We have lost so many great news luminaries….who is left, and more importantly, who is left to take their place? I love me some Anderson, but he is a different kind of journo. I think the Old Guard is going away, and perhaps not be to replaced?

      • karenatasha

        “Who is left, and more importantly, who is left to take their place?”

        Hear, hear. I think there are good journalists, but fewer and more far between, and rarely on the major networks. As someone who recalls the glory days of “60 Minutes,” I mourn the passing of Wallace. And I too loved Peter Jennings and Ted Koppel in the old days. I hate to admit it but… I didn’t watch “The Daily Show” for years because of “Nightline.” (In my defense, my cousin worked as a producer on the program, so I had a personal stake in it.)

  • llama

    That 86 yr old gymnast made me want to go to gym class and simultaneously eat a pint of Americone Dream as well. That was amazing. LOVED Stephen and Mr. Lutz doing pushups, Stephen may have quit before he did, but I have to say and I really mean no disrespect, but Lutz was not doing full pushups. Still at 80 to be able to do what he did is amazing. I think with Betty White, William Shatner, Bob Lutz, Regis Philbin and the 86 year old gymnast, 80 is the new 50.

  • karenatasha

    Oh, I meant to say: the screencap of the disembodied head in the swirly design reminds me of something: who knows Alfred Hitchcock’s “Vertigo?” There’s a dream sequence in that film with Jimmy Stewart–disembodied head amid a swirly, vertiginous design. Somebody on the Colbert staff is a film buff!

    • lockhart43

      Yes! Not my favorite Jimmy Stewart movie (The Philadelphia Story) or my favorite Hitchcock movie (Notorious), but still awesome. Good catch 🙂

      • karenatasha

        Love both those films lots, too. I could watch “Notorious” forever. And any film with Stewart, Grant, and Hepburn is okay with me!

        • CN Helper

          I love Vertigo, because Kim Novak has such great chemistry with Jimmy Stewart. Hithcock’s movies in the 50s and 60s were the boss.

          • Erika

            Kim Novak was SO beautiful! Hey what did you think about that controversy with The Artist? I don’t know if you heard about it or saw the movie, but the Love Theme from Vertigo (scene with Jimmy and Kim in the apartment after she has “transformed”) was played during the finale of The Artist and Kim Novak was NOT happy about it. She compared it to rape and said that they took one piece of music that was supposed to have one emotional intention and made it fit something else completely. I saw the movie and was quite shocked when the theme appeared….it didn’t really bug me but it seemed a bit out of place, since the rest the movie had original music.

            • karenatasha

              The music issue didn’t bother me, and I thought the rape analogy went a bit far. It does call your attention to the music, because … well, that’s just what the Vertigo music does. It’s completely memorable.

              One can argue about whether it was the best choice. I thought it came from a more general cinephilia that The Artist evoked–the love for movies past.

      • Erika

        I love them all! Notorious is so beautifully acted! A lot of very understated performances. The scene where Bergman’s character says “I hate you!” with tears in her eyes……and I LOVE Claude Rains in just about everything and this movie was no exception.

        The Philadelphia Story grew on me. I don’t know why but I didn’t like it the first time I saw it! Now I really really enjoy it, and especially enjoy the moments between Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart actually.

        • lockhart43

          Sorry for the late reply. Notorious is my favorite for two reasons: Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman’s chemistry, and simply because of Cary Grant’s performance. I love everything he’s ever been in, and have loved his movies since high school (I also wrote a high school English research paper on him, causing me to now know more about him than I probably should, ha). And Jimmy Stewart isn’t even my favorite part about The Philadelphia Story (that would be Cary Grant again), but it’s my favorite performance of his for sure.

          I’m strangely happy that there are so many others here who also love old movies :).

          • karenatasha

            We of the Nation are a very cultured lot! 😉
            And we have good taste. We HAVE to. We admire Stephen, and that says something, doesn’t it? ( figured I had to bring this discussion back on topic!)

            By the way, for those of you who follow Mark Malkoff, who formerly worked on TCR, he has a new stunt: watching hours and hours of streaming Netflix videos to see how many he can get through. He’ll end up making his own video about the experience. There will be a Hitchcock day, as it happens.