April 5, 2012 — Anne Rice

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8081 (April 5, 2012)
GUESTS: Anne Rice
SEGMENTS:   Bad News About Good Unemployment News | Colbert’s Very Wanted – Manatee Mailbox | Dirt Bike Badass in the Lincoln Tunnel | Anne Rice  | Sign Off – Lincoln Tunnel
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Red/white/blue striped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, April 5, 2012

I like it!

Bad News About Good Unemployment News

Notable Quotables

  • Martha!  I thought we were friends.
  • If only someone could bring us back to earth… and then keep going until we’re six feet under… and it would help if he resembled a conniving funeral home director.

Nation, you know, I believe that America’s greatest days are ahead of us. That’s why, every so often, it is important to remind ourselves: No they’re not. 

Because otherwise Barak Obama might get credit for it. So you can imagine how I felt this morning when I turned on Fox News only to face my worst fear. Good news.

A lot of us are working very hard to remind America that this man is destroying our country but then you and Happy Hammer come along with your pretty green arrow and take a big sunshine dump on our rain parade.

Thank you for that perspective, Stew. Things are getting better but they’re not getting more better any faster. Just the same amount of better, which is worse.

Well, I want to echo Stew Varney’s sentiments and remind you, it’s always brightest before the dusk and the fragrance of the sweetest blossom carries with it the first whiff of decay.

Even the perfect infant cradle in your arms will one day grow old and die.  And your friends won’t be there to comfort you because they’ll be dead too.

Remember the good times and more importantly, remember that they are over and can never happen again.  Ashes, nothing but ashes.

The happiness you feel today is merely the plateau from which you will soon plummet.  And during that free fall, you will remember that you left the stove on.  Barak Obama.

Colbert’s Very Wanted – Manatee Mailbox

Notable Quotables

  • That is why I’m introducing a new segment that punishes criminals by talking about them on TV.
  • But which is it?  A boy or a girl? (Denise:  The mailbox went both ways.  Male and female.)
  • Mr. Manatee was stripped… naked!

Now, fortunately, there’s more bad news because crime rates are soaring. Somewhere. Probably. Especially gun violence. It just keeps going up no matter how many guns we buy! *whispers* I don’t understand!

These are manatees. Noble, haunting, lethargic. As beautiful as they are endangered. But you might know them better by their street name: mailboxes.

Yes, frozen in place these novelty mailboxes bring years of joy to owners and passersby alike. That is, until things go terribly wrong.

Owner, Denise Hasty, told us about her box.

Emergency workers were poised to respond. (Denise: I never called 911.)

Neighbor, John Anthony, recalls coming perilously close to going outside. (John: I was like, wow and I wanted to go out but I was watching TV…)

I was coming home from work and I drove by and the next thing I know, I see the manatee doesn’t have a head and you know, I just, I actually had to stop the car and back up and look. And that’s when I’m like. “What the f*@K!?!”

So what could have caused this innocent manatee’s head to blow off? This was a job for the SVU. Sea Cow Victims Unit.

Ballistics Expert, Peter Diaczuck: What we have in front of us is a twenty year old manatee or indeterminable gender that has been blown apart by a small explosive device.

Forensic Psychologist, Dr. Stephen Reich: It is obvious that the person who did this wants to demonstrate that ‘I have tremendous power’… They want to demonstrate to an inanimate object ‘I have power, I am potent, I am big, I am strong.’

I had to find a pattern and finally here it was, 2001, a case in Fort Meyers Florida with our sicko all over it. Doris the manatee’s skirt was pulled down.

This is Mr. Manatee. He’s the one on the left; Joanne Heckman is on the right.

Joanne later received the crumpled Santa suit, along with this hand written note. Exactly the kind of clue that could break this case wide open. (Handwriting analyst, Roger Rubin: It reads, “To the Heckmans from the Grinch")

The manatee mutilator is a highly trained, very intelligent person, as well, and clearly with criminal intent.

Stephen: Yes, but we were closing in on him.  Right?

Dr. Reich: No, not necessarily.  I think this is actually very, very hard person to, quote “catch”.

Mr. Diaczuck: I don’t think you’ll be able to catch this person.

Forensic Scientist, Lawrence Kobilinsky: But until that happens, I think manatees are going to be in great danger.

Stephen: So lock your doors America because no matter where you are, as long as it’s mid-south coastal Florida and you have a manatee mailbox, the mutilator could strike at any time.

Dirt Bike Badass in the Lincoln Tunnel

Nation, if you watch this show you know I’m a journalist 24 hours a day, including when I’m asleep. Which is how I scooped the competition with my recent expose

And my quest for the story extends to my morning commute. Today, as I was driving through the Lincoln Tunnel, I captured a story of hope with my iPhone.

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of commuting through the Lincoln Tunnel, let me paint a picture for you. Imagine taking two hundred and fifty thousand jelly beans and pouring them through a single, drinking straw. Where all the jelly beans are pissed because they’re late for work.

Well, today I was one of those jelly beans. Stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and this is true, when a guy on a dirt bike blew by my car poppin’ a wheelie in the Lincoln Tunnel.

Then, he changes lanes and he looks back at me like, yeah!

And I’m like f*@k yeah! Whoo!

So he pops another wheelie! This guy is a total badass! I mean you can get a ticket for changing lanes in the Lincoln Tunnel. Clearly America is back ladies and gentlemen.

This, this, this huge, huge balls, stick it to the man, live free or die attitude has been a vital part of this country ever since George Washington jumped the Delaware.

Only problem, he didn’t stick the landing. That’s how he lost his teeth

Folks, this Lincoln Tunnel guy is the spirit of America! And so am I because was I focusing on the road? No! I was video tapping See See Rider here and guess what. Guess what! The cops can’t touch us. We’re under the Hudson River, I believe that’s international waters. You can gamble down there. This guy certainly was.

Now, at the end of the tunnel Mr. Dirtbike dropped back and asked me to text him the video from my phone but I forgot your area code. I didn’t write it down because I was driving and video tapping and writing would have made it dangerous.

So I hope that broadcasting it will be acceptable instead and by the way, my name is Stephen Colbert and I have a television show.

Anne Rice

My guest tonight has a new novel called, “The Wolf Gift”. Quick tip, remember to keep your wolf gift receipt.


Stephen:  …Now, you have a new novel called, “The Wolf Gift”.  Now, I assume from the title, this is about a wolf who learns the true meaning of Christmas.

Anne:  No, no, actually he just learns how to be a werewolf…

*

Stephen:  Wait, Ruben Golding, is he Jewish?

Anne:  Well, actually, no, he actually isn’t Jewish.

Stephen:  He’s not?

Anne:  But he might be, his background, I haven’t gotten into the back-story of the ancestry yet.

Stephen:  Oh, really? Cause I’m not sure if man flesh is kosher.

Anne:  Well that would be a problem because he definitely does get carried away and he does eat man flesh.

Stephen:  He does eat people.  Now, this is a problem for him.

Anne:  Well, he has-

Stephen:  I hope this is a problem for him.

*

Stephen:  Okay, here’s my problem.  I read all your vampire novels.  I loved em.  They, they, you know, they, uh, I felt.  I felt after I read Interview With a Vampire, the first one, I kind of felt like I, I, my mouth was full of blood.  Honest to God, from reading it.  I’m not sure whether I should recommend it to my brother.

Anne:  Well, I was going to ask.

Stephen:  I did I recommended it to my brother, I’m like I gotta let you know I kind of feel like I’m a vampire now.  And, but what I liked about those is that these people are damned!  It’s not a happy experience for them. And I don’t like about the modern were- the sparkly, uh, vampires you got now, is it’s all just glamour, glamour, let’s get married.

Anne:  Yes.

Stephen:  Do you feel like these, these newer vampire novels pervert the, the good story of vampires?  It’s a deal with the devil.

Anne:  Well, I don’t know if it is a deal with the devil.

Stephen:  Really?

Anne:  I think, kind of, vampires are a metaphor for all of us.  The outsider.

Stephen:  Vampires are obviously a metaphor for gay people.  What are werewolves?  Werewolves are Hispanics? Or-

Anne:  No.

*

Stephen:  Can we talk about outcasts for a second?

Anne:  Sure.

Stephen:  You, madame, very famously, uh, re-embraced Catholicism about a couple, ten, fifteen years back.  Right?

Anne:  I did.

Stephen:  And, uh, you said your not going to write any more vampire novels.  You’re all, you know, Christian at this point and, uh, how long’d ya do that?

Anne:  Twelve years.

Stephen:  Okay, now, you are no longer a Christian.  Correct? No longer a Catholic?

Anne:  That’s right.

Stephen:  Okay, now, you realize, you were a Catholic long enough to know that you are going to hell, right?

Anne:  Yes.

Stephen:  Okay, you’ll have plenty of monsters to write about first hand when one of them’s jabbing you in the hiney with a red hot pitch fork.  You realize that?  Red, hot, iron, coffin for all eternity.  You are a heretic!  You are a heretic!

Anne:  Maybe that will happen.

Stephen:  Maybe!

Anne:  And maybe it will not.

Stephen:  No maybes about it baby!  Oh, really?  Oh, really?

Anne:  Maybe there is no hell.

Stephen:  Oh! Sure!

Anne:  Maybe there is no devil.

Stephen:  Maybe there is no devil.  Maybe there is no hell.  Coin toss.  Oh, heads.  I win.  Tails, you lose the biggest thing you can: your immortal soul.  Why?  Why would you risk that Anne Rice?

Anne:  I don’t think I’m risking it Mr. Colbert.

Stephen:  You could be wrong!

Anne:  I really don’t.

Stephen:  You could be wrong.

Anne:  I could be.

Stephen:  Okay, why not weigh a doubt against a certainty and believe?

Anne:  It’s not a certainty for me.

Stephen:  It is!

Anne:  No, it’s just not a certainty at all.  I don’t, I can’t believe the Christian belief system.

Stephen:  Really?

Anne:  I can’t believe there is a devil who goes around the world just trying to get people to commit sins.  I can’t imagine the psychology of the devil.  I can’t imagine what his day is like.

Stephen:  You can understand the psychology but you can understand the psychology.  He’s busy!  He’s been very busy with you, I can tell.

Anne:  No, he hasn’t.

Stephen:  You can’t understand the psychology of the devil, a historical figure, but you can understand the psychology of a werewolf and a vampire?

Anne:  Fictional figures, yes, I can.  I can.  Absolutely.

Stephen:  Alright, okay.  Whatever lets you sleep at night. Now, have you though about combining all your different novels?  Vampires, werewolves, and Jesus?  Because, what about Jesus, who is a weresavior and he has to fight a vampire Judas.

Anne:  No, I would rather pass on that.  I would, I would like to pass on that.  I have done two novels about Jesus that I put my heart and my soul into.

Stephen:  You don’t have a soul.

Anne:  I did at the time.

Stephen:  You did at the time? You should go looking for that thing.


Sign Off – Lincoln Tunnel

I will see you in the Lincoln Tunnel, motorcycle man! Goodnight!

24 thoughts on “April 5, 2012 — Anne Rice

  1. This was SUCH a great episode. There were so many great lines from the “sunshine dump on the unemployment rain parade” segment, and the manatee thing was funny. But that wheelie story made me squeal! You don’t often get snapshots of the real Stephen on the Report, and this one comes from his real life!!! I’m probably gonna have that segment memorized after watching it so many times. Fingers crossed we’ll be hearing from that biker soon.

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    • Yes I totally second everything you said. I loved the Wheelie thing, the thought of Stephen filming the biker while driving is hilarious – he is always tracking content, even on his way to work! I just hope we don’t get copycat riders in the Lincoln Tunnel, that’s stuff dangerous, y’all. And this is from someone who loves motorcycles.

      I also loved how he gave Anne Rice total hell about, well, the hell thing. It is so Catholic to debate a fellow (or former) Catholic about dogma. It is important to remind that Ms. Rice still believes in God, just not organized religion. Much like Jessie Ventura, I suppose.

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      • I always thought Stephen had a driver in the mirning!

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      • Yeah, me too! I think he just said he was driving for comic effect.

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      • Haha well then we don’t know Stephen’s daily habits as well as we thought! ;)

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      • And, oh: “By the way, I’m Stephen Colbert and I have a TV show!”

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    • The wheelie story was the highlight of a fantastic episode for me as well. I’m imagining the scolding Stephen received from Mrs. Colbert when he got home ^_^ Knowing what a worry wart Jon is, he may get some grief there too. There were a few times he had “kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar” expressions and it just made it even funnier!

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    • It’s possible but as Katt noted, the film was shot from the driver’s side! It was a fantastic segment either way:)

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  2. I also enjoyed the episode, I was laughing when he was talking about the devil and Jesus the ware saviour LOL

    was Stephen really filming that guy on the motorbike?

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    • Stephen and Anne’s friendly philosophical debate was pretty darn entertaining. I imagine you were picturing WereJesus and VampireJudas duking it out:)

      I think he probably was.

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  3. I’ve been rewatching that video obsessively and it definitely looks like it was filmed on the driver’s side to me. He seemed embarrassed to be caught filming and driving at the same time, but who knows. *shrugs* Maybe it was just great acting. I love how we’re having a whole conversation about what side of the car he was on. :D That was my favourite segment from last night’s show. Hopefully if the motorcyclist contacts him, he’ll update us. I can’t wait for Michelle next week! :)

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    • That is awesome, that we’re so caught up in all the details. I remember he used to drive himself to work and back, and even said that it was a great way for him to turn back into a husband and father and unwind….. I always wondered if it just got too tiring for him, maybe he even started falling asleep on the road or something, so he decided to finally cave to the networks and get a driver. Pure speculation haha. Anyway, it did look like the person driving was taking the video so maybe he still drives sometimes.

      I’m still wondering when and if Jimmy and Stephen will be best friends again….

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      • Aren’t we all? It seems like the suspension of the show interrupted whatever they had planned. Maybe Stephen still drives to work to get into character but has a driver drive him back?

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      • Actually, what he’s said in the past — and what “60 Minutes” showed — is that he gets driven in the morning so that he can work on the way. But he drives himself home to assure that he won’t work and will be ready to be a husband and dad once he steps in the house. I gather he pumps the music right up, loud.

        But maybe he’s changed his pattern.

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      • The two times I saw him come out after the show (one of which was a coincidence), he definitely had a driver. I’m sticking by my theory that he finally realized he couldn’t drive himself anymore, that it just wasn’t practical or safe. Now the day he took the motorcycle ride maybe landed on a day where he did drive himself in….he might have needed the car for something afterward or something like that.

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      • Well, if he’s going to pull out his cell phone and start filming as he drives, I say get that man a chauffeur! I would like him to stay alive. (And others on the road with him.) I’m assuming that in this case the traffic was so slow and clogged that he could handle it. Only a cyclist who can go in and out of the stalled cars could possibly keep moving.

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      • @ Erika- I too am waiting and wishing for a Stephen/Jimmy reuniting episode!!

        Perhaps there was some reason his chauffeur wasn’t able to take him or maybe Stephen needed to take his own car to work as it was “a friday” for him? Who knows? It looked like the traffic wasn’t going too fast. He must have had time to see the guy coming and get his phone out. Boy, I bet all these excuses sounded just as lame to the lovely Evie:)

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    • It would be pretty sweet if we heard back from the biker! I agree with you that Stephen seemed a bit guilty about his poor behavior behind the wheel but you could tell that the larger part was proud and happy he got the footage.

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      • There IS a guy on Colbert Nation by the name of badassdirtbikerider who’s claiming to be the guy. Based on his comments, his profile pic and the fact that he became a CN member the day after Stephen showed the video, I think he’s legit.

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      • Nice leg work Anais! I will definitely be checking him out on the forums! Bad Ass Dirt Bike Rider is now a legend. If I was him, I’d be stoked!

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  4. @Caroline

    Plus Stephen actually stated that he was driving and recording it at the same time. I wouldn’t suppose he’d lie about something like that.

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  5. How have I gone this long without seeing this episode?!? I found this episode on a tape last night while I was freeing up some space for the shows I have to record while I’m out of town this week, and there it was! Wow, this was a great episode. I loved the badass biker story (Yes, Stephen would have been driving; I’m sure he doesn’t have a driver all of the time. Sometimes you just really want to drive yourself to work, and maybe he had other stuff to do that day.), he seemed to be so happy to share that on national television. And the “I’m Stephen Colbert, and I have a TV show line” was awesome. The Anne Rice interview was wonderful! I’ve never seen her do an interview before, she seemed very sweet. And Stephen just looked so giddy to tell her she was going to hell because she wasn’t a Catholic anymore, haha.

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