EPISODE NUMBER: 8081 (April 5, 2012)
GUESTS: Anne Rice
SEGMENTS: Bad News About Good Unemployment News | Colbert’s Very Wanted – Manatee Mailbox | Dirt Bike Badass in the Lincoln Tunnel | Anne Rice | Sign Off – Lincoln Tunnel
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Red/white/blue striped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, April 5, 2012
Bad News About Good Unemployment News
- Martha! I thought we were friends.
- If only someone could bring us back to earth… and then keep going until we’re six feet under… and it would help if he resembled a conniving funeral home director.
Well, I want to echo Stew Varney’s sentiments and remind you, it’s always brightest before the dusk and the fragrance of the sweetest blossom carries with it the first whiff of decay.
Even the perfect infant cradle in your arms will one day grow old and die. And your friends won’t be there to comfort you because they’ll be dead too.
Remember the good times and more importantly, remember that they are over and can never happen again. Ashes, nothing but ashes.
The happiness you feel today is merely the plateau from which you will soon plummet. And during that free fall, you will remember that you left the stove on. Barak Obama.
Colbert’s Very Wanted – Manatee Mailbox
- That is why I’m introducing a new segment that punishes criminals by talking about them on TV.
- But which is it? A boy or a girl? (Denise: The mailbox went both ways. Male and female.)
- Mr. Manatee was stripped… naked!
Stephen: Yes, but we were closing in on him. Right?
Dr. Reich: No, not necessarily. I think this is actually very, very hard person to, quote “catch”.
Mr. Diaczuck: I don’t think you’ll be able to catch this person.
Forensic Scientist, Lawrence Kobilinsky: But until that happens, I think manatees are going to be in great danger.
Stephen: So lock your doors America because no matter where you are, as long as it’s mid-south coastal Florida and you have a manatee mailbox, the mutilator could strike at any time.
Dirt Bike Badass in the Lincoln Tunnel
Stephen: …Now, you have a new novel called, “The Wolf Gift”. Now, I assume from the title, this is about a wolf who learns the true meaning of Christmas.
Anne: No, no, actually he just learns how to be a werewolf…
Stephen: Wait, Ruben Golding, is he Jewish?
Anne: Well, actually, no, he actually isn’t Jewish.
Stephen: He’s not?
Anne: But he might be, his background, I haven’t gotten into the back-story of the ancestry yet.
Stephen: Oh, really? Cause I’m not sure if man flesh is kosher.
Anne: Well that would be a problem because he definitely does get carried away and he does eat man flesh.
Stephen: He does eat people. Now, this is a problem for him.
Anne: Well, he has-
Stephen: I hope this is a problem for him.
Stephen: Okay, here’s my problem. I read all your vampire novels. I loved em. They, they, you know, they, uh, I felt. I felt after I read Interview With a Vampire, the first one, I kind of felt like I, I, my mouth was full of blood. Honest to God, from reading it. I’m not sure whether I should recommend it to my brother.
Anne: Well, I was going to ask.
Stephen: I did I recommended it to my brother, I’m like I gotta let you know I kind of feel like I’m a vampire now. And, but what I liked about those is that these people are damned! It’s not a happy experience for them. And I don’t like about the modern were- the sparkly, uh, vampires you got now, is it’s all just glamour, glamour, let’s get married.
Stephen: Do you feel like these, these newer vampire novels pervert the, the good story of vampires? It’s a deal with the devil.
Anne: Well, I don’t know if it is a deal with the devil.
Anne: I think, kind of, vampires are a metaphor for all of us. The outsider.
Stephen: Vampires are obviously a metaphor for gay people. What are werewolves? Werewolves are Hispanics? Or-
Stephen: Can we talk about outcasts for a second?
Stephen: You, madame, very famously, uh, re-embraced Catholicism about a couple, ten, fifteen years back. Right?
Anne: I did.
Stephen: And, uh, you said your not going to write any more vampire novels. You’re all, you know, Christian at this point and, uh, how long’d ya do that?
Anne: Twelve years.
Stephen: Okay, now, you are no longer a Christian. Correct? No longer a Catholic?
Anne: That’s right.
Stephen: Okay, now, you realize, you were a Catholic long enough to know that you are going to hell, right?
Stephen: Okay, you’ll have plenty of monsters to write about first hand when one of them’s jabbing you in the hiney with a red hot pitch fork. You realize that? Red, hot, iron, coffin for all eternity. You are a heretic! You are a heretic!
Anne: Maybe that will happen.
Anne: And maybe it will not.
Stephen: No maybes about it baby! Oh, really? Oh, really?
Anne: Maybe there is no hell.
Stephen: Oh! Sure!
Anne: Maybe there is no devil.
Stephen: Maybe there is no devil. Maybe there is no hell. Coin toss. Oh, heads. I win. Tails, you lose the biggest thing you can: your immortal soul. Why? Why would you risk that Anne Rice?
Anne: I don’t think I’m risking it Mr. Colbert.
Stephen: You could be wrong!
Anne: I really don’t.
Stephen: You could be wrong.
Anne: I could be.
Stephen: Okay, why not weigh a doubt against a certainty and believe?
Anne: It’s not a certainty for me.
Stephen: It is!
Anne: No, it’s just not a certainty at all. I don’t, I can’t believe the Christian belief system.
Anne: I can’t believe there is a devil who goes around the world just trying to get people to commit sins. I can’t imagine the psychology of the devil. I can’t imagine what his day is like.
Stephen: You can understand the psychology but you can understand the psychology. He’s busy! He’s been very busy with you, I can tell.
Anne: No, he hasn’t.
Stephen: You can’t understand the psychology of the devil, a historical figure, but you can understand the psychology of a werewolf and a vampire?
Anne: Fictional figures, yes, I can. I can. Absolutely.
Stephen: Alright, okay. Whatever lets you sleep at night. Now, have you though about combining all your different novels? Vampires, werewolves, and Jesus? Because, what about Jesus, who is a weresavior and he has to fight a vampire Judas.
Anne: No, I would rather pass on that. I would, I would like to pass on that. I have done two novels about Jesus that I put my heart and my soul into.
Stephen: You don’t have a soul.
Anne: I did at the time.
Stephen: You did at the time? You should go looking for that thing.
Sign Off – Lincoln Tunnel