March 1, 2012 — Claire Danes

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8065 (March 1, 2012)
GUESTS: Claire Danes
SEGMENTS: Indecision 2012- Countdown to Loving Mitt- Maybe Jeb Bush | People Who Are Destroying America- Teachers | Stephen Colbert’s Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown- Yo Mama Jokes | Sign Off: Jeb Bush’s Portrait
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | Light blue shirt | Periwinkle tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 1, 2012

Stephen Colbert

Indecision 2012- Countdown to Loving Mitt- Maybe Jeb Bush

Stephen once again bemoans the inevitability of Mitt Romney. It should be quite humorous when Mitt gets the nomination and Stephen does a 180, just like the Republican party and shall we say, conservative pundits are guaranteed to do. The GOP are so nervous about they’re considering throwing a last minute jebbernaut in the ring.

Notable Quotables

  • No matter how much it pains me to say it, Mitt Romney’s got the momentum… or mittmentum… or momittmum, whatever.
  • With Super Tuesday coming next week, I’m not sure what day. We’ll check that out.
Stephen Colbert and the Cheney Family

Wyoming, cradle of Cheney's. Why do you think it's so sparsley populated? They must kill to stay alive. Circle of life.

Stephen Colbert and the Bush Family

Of course! Jeb Bush. America is hungry for another leader from that talented family. The Bush presidential trilogy will finally be complete with the Return of the Jebi.

Stephen's scared of Mitt

Stop clicking! Take it down, Jimmy, I'm scared!


People Who Are Destroying America- Teachers

Stephen profiles Pace, Florida high school teacher, Dawn Quarles. Ms. Quarles apparently committed voter fraud by helping (I mean… frauding?) her teen age students to register to vote. She did this in the hopes of creating lifelong voters who would make their voices heard in our political landscape and she plans to do it again. Clearly, Ms. Quarles is a threat. She is certainly being treated as such by the Floridian government who fined her $1,000. She failed to file the voter registration forms within the 48 hour time frame. That’ll teach her to be tardy!

Notable Quotables

  • Rich Glorioso– If somebody breaks into your car and steals your stuff because you didn’t lock your car. Well, then do you lock it later on or do you lock your car today? Stephen– See? It’s simple. The car is the voting booth. The lock is the law. Your stuff is the ballot and the thief is the… oh, oh wait a minute. Um, okay. The lock is the law. The car is the ballot. Wait, no, stop, stop. The car is the law. The booth is the ballot. Your stuff is the thief and… f*@k it! Fraud!
Stephen Colbert

Nation, it's 11:36. Do you know where your children are? This episode's gonna rerun three times tomorrow. Do you know where your children are then? Let's face it. The second your kids walk out the door to "school", you have no way of knowing that they're not off vodka eyeballing at a rainbow party. Playing the choking game to get a dare bracelet. Don't know what a dare bracelet is? Ask your kids. They'll claim I just made it up to scare you. Well, with so many threats to your child's innocence; there is some good news. I just found another one: Teachers.

Howard Simon

Director of the American Civil Liberties Union and casual man, Howard Simon.

Dawn Quarles fraud

Dawn: I did not make it within the 48 hours. Stephen: Fraud! Dawn: I did not know- Stephen: I said fraud! Dawn: that I had to. Stephen: Fraud, fraud, fraud!

Rich Glorioso

State representative Rich Glorioso is one of the brave law makers who came out of the shadows to support this anti-fraud bill.

Desperate Lives

The 1982 movie, "Desperate Lives". (Click the pic to link to the full film)

Dawn, Destroyer

Stephen- However it works, the law protects the students from vote predators like Dawn Quarles.

Howard- This law uses the threat of fraud to basically try to make it more difficult for black people and college students and young people and language minorities from voting.

Stephen- Why would they want to do that?

Howard- They tend to vote democratic and they voted overwhelmingly for President Obama.

Stephen- Fraud!

Stephen Colbert

Remember girls, if it gets around that you voted no boy is going to want to vote with you. So wait until you're married and then vote the way your husband tells you to.

Rich Glorioso


Stephen Colbert’s Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown- Yo Mama Jokes

According to Iraq journal vol. LXXIII, scientists have found the oldest yo mama joke. Yes, the oldest yo mama joke has been discovered at last but alas, unlike yo mama this one doesn’t give happy endings. Or any endings for that matter as the 3,500 year old, Babylonian stone tablet it was carved into was broken and the punch line lost to time. Or is it? Stephen is on the case and is as determined to find the missing climax of the joke as he was King Tuts penis. After all, it’s hard having one without the other.

Notable Quotables

  • And just how fat was she? When she sat around the ziggurat did she sit ‘around’ the ziggurat?
  • We may never understand the true mystery of this even earlier yo mama joke but scholars suspect it was hilarious because a nearby shard of pottery has been translated to read, “Aw, snap!”
Stephen Colbert

This earliest yo mama joke is said to predate even the earliest Biblical yo mama joke from Genesis 4:8 "and Abel said unto Cain 'Yo mama so fat she doesn't wear a fig leaf, she wears a fig tree!', and Cain did slay his brother."

Stephen Colbert, Dates

So many questions, I mean, who was this mama? Who did she have intercourse with? And did she really enjoy the fruit of the Euphrates valley, big black dates?

Amen-Gal-Agher (hieroglyphic Gallagher)

Folks, this is the first major development in pre-Christian zingology since the discovery of hieroglyphics depicting the ancient Egyptian performer, Amen-Gal-Agher smashing a pomegranate with his Ankh-o-matic.

Gallagher, sledge-o-matic

© Rick Kern

Stephen Colbert, Yo mama

Perhaps this tablet may even help us understand this passage from the Code of Hammurabi that has puzzled scholars for years, "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, except for yo mama cuz she only got one of each."


Claire Danes

Claire Danes and Stephen Colbert

My guest tonight plays a bipolar CIA agent in the show Homeland. That means she's both good cop and bad cop.

Claire: She’s doing well until, until she gets blown up.

Stephen: That tends to take a spring out of your step.

Stephen Colbert

Stephen: How did you, how did you study this? I mean, did you- Some say, I’m not an actor but some actors say that they have to find something within themselves that’s like the character. Is there anything in you that is bipolar? And this is a safe, safe space. None of this will be broadcast, go.

Claire: Oh, I really, really hope not. I really, really hope not. Um, so far, so good (knocks on wood). Um, but no. It was- It is make believe but no, it was fascinating to learn about. Uh, I had to learn-

Stephen: How did you? Like, how do you learn about bipolar disorder and the CIA at the same time.

Claire: Yeah, it was kinda like that (pats head and rubs belly) for awhile.

Stephen: That’s what bipolar means. That’s one of the signs, it’s one of the early signs right there.

Claire Danes, Colbert Report

Stephen:… Do you see any sort of connection between bipolar, uh, behavior and sort of the inherent paranoia that’s necessary for spy work?

Claire: Well, I don’t know, I think that… Look. It’s very lonely to be a CIA officer and I think it’s probably quite lonely to, uh, to be bipolar. Um, I don’t-

Stephen: Claire, Claire?

Claire: Yes?

Stephen: Is it lonely to be Claire Danes? Again, this is a safe space.

Claire: Um, oh not, not cripplingly so. Not, not yet.

Stephen: Can I- Can I criticize you for a second?

Claire: Yes, please!

Stephen Colbert and Claire Danes

Stephen: You know, this show, as far as I can tell, twelve episodes so far?

Claire: Uh, Yes.

Stephen: Okay, no enhanced interrogation. No enhanced interrogation at all. That’s how the CIA learns things. That’s how we know. Why? Why? I mean, you’re an actress. Don’t you have an urge to improvise? Like, stuff a wet rag in someone’s mouth at any point?

Claire: Well, I actually learned that they’re not even called interrogations anymore. They’re called ‘interviews’ because interrogation is too pejorative.

Stephen: Oh, really?

Stephen Colbert and Claire Danes

Claire: Yeah. So-

Stephen: They should call them play dates.


Sign Off- Jeb Bush’s Portrait

Stephen Colbert and Jeb Bush's portrait

Well, that's it for The Report everybody, goodnight.

  • AgentNutmeg

    Yay for custom Yo-Mama theme music — they are spoiling us again (well me anyway). So I will not bust on the interview, maybe I’m just having a hard time approaching the subject matter casually (I’m a neuro/psychology major). Ah well. 😛

    Also, the field piece was great!

  • Kris

    It’s great to see a new installment of Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown! Is it just me or did the broken up tablets kind of look like a person?

    The interview was a bit awkward for me at times, as well. For awhile Claire seemed a bit nervous too. What a fascinating major! My best friend was a psych major so I know it isn’t easy.

    • Caroline

      @Kris and Agent Nutmeg –

      I actually enjoyed the interview with Clare Danes a lot more than the Shatner interview. I think Stephen is genuinely interested in mental health disorders, which is why he spent so long on it. In fact, Stephen seems a little OCD himself (the hand lotion, holding onto and flipping that pen so much). This is not a dig; a lot of very talented people are wired a little differently.

      Anyway, I liked Clare – she seems funny and really smart (and NOT trying for a King/Queen Douche title, like a certain other guest was this week.)

      I guess this just shows that reactions to interviews are very subjective

      • Kris

        I enjoyed the interview and agree that Stephen showed a genuine curiousity and was not making light. However, I don’t believe Ms. Danes was quite sure how to react at times and even though they were very cute, it was, at times, a bit awkward. It was funny how relieved she was when he asked to criticize her. I would have loved to see her relax a little and answer some of the questions more indepth but hard to fault anyone for being jittery around “Stephen”.

        I agree Stephen is a bit compulsive:)

        Shatner really was a tough interview. Stephen just kept on adoring him though so I guess if it didn’t bother him…

        Claire is super cute and as a child of the 80s I will always have much love!

  • Mr. Arkadin

    People who are destroying America was fantastic! In a horrifying way that is. Along with this and Wednesday’s segment on the “Let’s reduce the minimal wage for people who get tips because their rolling in money anyway” bill, can we (Americans) saw Florida off and kick it to Cuba now? It really is more trouble then it’s worth. (Remember 2000?!) I know it’s America’s tiny, flaccid (but still mighty!) penis and it will hurt. But surely we can pleasure future illegally invaded countries in other ways. I mean American ingenuity, right? USA! USA! USA!

    I thought the Danes interview was fine. If for no other reason than Stephen’s line about not being an actor and then that little knowing smile he allowed himself as the crowd belatedly caught on to what he’d just said.

    • Karenatasha

      Please don’t do that to Cuba. They have enough trouble with us [US] as it is.

      Loved the “People Who Are Destroying America” segment, which was completely brilliant–if horrifying. Really: registering someone with a legal right to vote is voter fraud? This is shocking, and if we had any kind of decent Supreme Court I know it would get shot down.

      And you’re right, Mr. Arkadin: that WORD was a highlight.

      What a great week.

      • Kris

        I love that Dawn refused to back down in the face of a tyrannical law. She was aptly named:)

  • Kris

    @Mr. Arkadin
    Hello sir! Now that I’m done laughing myself silly I must thank you for your wit once again:) I actually enjoy the terra firma found in FL so would hate to see the land go. However the folks who choose to act like the state’s symbolic shape could take a flying leap! Perhaps we could trade them for some Cuban immigrants and they could enjoy the type of government they are trying to force upon the Floridians first hand.

    That smile was my favorite screen cap! It was a perfect moment.

  • Katt

    As a History/Archaeology Major, I loved the “Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown” segment. It’s rare that we get to discuss and/or examine a fun discovery such as that. I don’t think Babylon is even a focus area. Damn shame.

    For the fellow Archaeology nerds out there you can read the full article from “Iraq” here: Dialogues and Riddles: Three Old Babylonian Wisdom Texts.

    In case you were wondering, the world’s oldest known joke is a 3,900 year old fart joke from Sumer:

    “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial – a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

    • Kris

      It was great that he read the original jokes on air. I’m always grateful for Stephen’s broad range of intellectual interests. Hopefully we’ll see more Mysteries of the Ancient unknown. Until then, thanks for sharing the joke (hilarious) and the artical. I look forward to reading it after getting some rest:)

  • Bonnie

    What I’d like to know is: What movie clip was used during the Voting Fraud section of the show? I’d love to see that movie!

    • Kris

      The movie is called “Desperate Lives” and it stars a young Helen Hunt.

  • lockhart43

    “Remember girls, if it gets around that you voted, no boy is going to want to vote with you. So wait until you’re married, and then vote the way your husband tells you to.”

    Absolutely my favorite line of the episode! I also loved the references to after-school specials in the PWADA segment. Really reminded me of “Strangers With Candy.” I just kept thinking of the phrase, “She thought she was a bee and tried to fit herself through a keyhole,” ha!

    If you hadn’t included that screencap of Gallagher, I don’t know that I would have ever gotten that joke. I’d like to say that it’s because I didn’t hear Stephen right, but that’s probably not the reason; I just didn’t make the connection. Which is shameful, as I used to watch Gallagher when I was younger and they aired his specials on Comedy Central.

    • Kris

      Ha! The look on his face when he said it was priceless! I could just see him imagining the response of his wife, mother, and sisters to that statement. He was probably thanking God he could blame it on the character ^_^

      Now I have the SWC theme song in my head. Strange, a theme song made of “do”s for a show that was all about “don’t”s.

      It seemed like most of the audience didn’t catch that reference either. I assumed most must be too young to have grown up with Gallagher. In the eighties he was huge and I’ve been a fan since childhood. Just had to include a cap of him busting that “pomegranate” open with the sledge-o-matic! Glad it clarified the joke for you and I’m hoping that some folks who’ve never heard of him will YouTube it up and find out what they’ve been missing:)

      P.S. I went looking for a specific clip where he tells a story while wearing a hat that reminds me of a cuckoo clock, in that it has all these moving parts that illustrate the plot points. Alas I was unsuccessful so here’s a classic .

      • lockhart43

        Oh Lord, that SWC theme song. Now I’m thinking of the opener from the 1st season, before they had the animation. So, so ridiculous! I do believe I’ve watched the episodes with the audio commentary more than I’ve watched them without, haha.

        My favorite thing about field segments is always Stephen’s voice-over (not including the BKADs, since those don’t have voice-overs, of course). I just imagine him in a booth with headphones on doing take after take of “Fraud! Fraud!”

        • Kris

          I know! Fraud, fraud, fraud! Hilarious:) I keep asking for SWC for Christmas but haven’t got it yet. Made do with watching it online but I’m longing to hear that commentary.

  • colbaby

    My favorite thing about the Amen-Gal-Agher bit is the little Egyptians in the front row holding up face shields haha. Great recap Kris! I especially love that screencap of Claire Danes’ hair freaking out.

    So today is March 3rd. Wonder what Stephen and Jimmy are up to.

    • Kris

      I have said it before and I will say it again, they’d better make up in song form!! So I hope they are practicing their singing:) Time flies when you’re eternal enemies for six months, it’s seems like only yesterday I was freaking out about “Somewhere Out There” (which was my favorite song of all time when I was like, two).

      Ms. Danes’ hair was just too good to pass up! The ladies sure love to play with their hair when they’re visiting with Stephen.

  • CN Helper

    Does anybody knows who Gallagher is anymore? The audience didn’t seem to get the joke on that. Claire Danes was awesome; she’s pretty and intellectual, and charming to boot. I am glad she was able to make it back for the rescheduled appearance.

    • Kris

      I’m glad Stephen does jokes he knows not everyone will get. Much like Fraiser the show benefits from not playing to the masses. Claire was a lot of fun, its odd seeing her as a blonde.

  • Sadone07

    What is the movie that was used during the “People destroying America” bit, about the teaher registering her students to vote. They showed some girl getting thrown out of a window and cutting her wrists…What movie is that?

    • Kris

      The movie is called “Desperate Lives” and stars a young Helen Hunt. Also, she is jumping out of the window, not being thrown from it. Enjoy!