Colbert News Hub

EPISODE NUMBER: 8062 (February 23, 2012)
GUESTS: Placido Domingo
GUESTS: Max Werner
SEGMENTS: Indecision 2012 – Arizona GOP Debate | Posthumous Mormon Baptism | Wheat Thins Sponsortunity | Placido Domingo & Stephen Colbert – “La Donna E Mobile”
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Red/black stripped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, February 23, 2012

Indecision 2012- Arizona GOP Debate

Stephen kicks it off by checking in with the two remaining contenders of the GOP. Apparently, both Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are really to blame for Obama care. Plus, Mitt’s invented a new way for all of us to avoid responsibility. Simply don’t feel the need to respect people enough to answer the questions they ask you and you can do whatever you like. At least, if you’re super rich that is. I guess most of us have bosses and stuff, whatever.

Notable Quotables

• Happy Birthday to Estonia. It’s a tiny country with a good PR department.

Yeah, Rick! If you didn't endorse this clown in 2004 who cast the deciding vote on Obama care five years later. We wouldn't have Obama's disastrous government mandated health care that Mitt Romney designed. So look in the mirror, buddy. You're not gonna like what you see.

Way to go Mitt! Boom, boom. You can give whatever answers you want. Who cares what the question was? I want to try. Jimmy, hit me with one of last night’s questions.

Why was George W. Bush wrong in his efforts to save the auto industry and why was Barack Obama wrong to continue the effort?

Lincoln because the question I’m answering is: what is the capital of Nebraska? I’m good at this. I’m good at this. Give me another.

How do you plan on dealing with the growing nuclear threat in Iran?

He was stabbed with an icicle and it melted. Okay, I’m on a roll. I’m on a roll.

What are you going to do to bring down the debt?

Tubthumping by Chumbawamba. The people know. This gives hope to all of us. President Romney will make us great again. Imagine how well our kids will do on tests! What is the quadratic equation? Answer: once at camp but I didn’t like it. Now, you may ask. You may ask, if Mitt doesn’t want to answer the question, why did he agree to a debate? To which, I say 34DD.

Posthumous Mormon Baptism

What can a person say when they learn that Mormons are posthumously baptizing Jews? What in the telestial kingdom are they thinking?

Elie Wiesel, is the author of the famous trilogy Night, Dawn, and Day (if you weren’t forced to read these in High School please take a look at them now as it is a truly remarkable autobiographical journey of a Holocaust survivor). Apparently Mr. Wiesel sees a problem with Mormons baptizing Jews without permission and has decided to call them out on it. For their part, the Mormons intend to deal with this by baptizing him after he dies. The last laugh is on them though, Stephen’s ensured they’ll be Hava Nagilaing it to Heaven or at least, a part of them will.

Notable Quotables

• What business is it of yours, Elie? I did some research and it turns out those six hundred thousand Jews are now Mormons.
• Now, I don’t get why Elie Wiesel’s so upset about his name being on a list.

Besides, the Mormons have stopped baptizing Holocaust victims. Other than last week, when they baptized Ann Frank. Which they've done nine times. But that's it! Nobody else.

So let me explain the ritual, okay? What happens is a Mormon elder reads a list of dead people's names while a living Mormon proxy is submerged in water. Often in a large baptismal font on the back of twelve oxen representing the twelve tribes of Israel. The Mormons use it to travel back to baptize people in the past. It's, it's like it's some kinda...

Craig Robinson: Hot tub time machine.

That's it! I didn't even know this guy was a Mormon.

Now, I want to be clear as television's most famous and important Catholic, I don't not condone posthumous Mormon baptism. If you're going to baptize someone against their will, you do it the Catholic way, with an inquisition.

Mormons are just trying to get these dead Jews into heaven. Now, of course, they’re not allowed into the best Mormon heaven. That’s in the celestial kingdom and is for true born Mormons only. It is the first class cabin of paradise. Hot towel, warm nuts, the whole shebang.

But don’t worry dead Jewish viewers. You do… get admitted to the terrestrial kingdom, which is sort of Mormon heaven business class. And finally, the riffraff end up in the telestial kingdom, it’s the sphere populated by the liars, sorcerers, adulterers, and whore mongers. So it is literally like flying coach.

Now, (takes out a cigar cutter) by the power vested in me by renting Yentl, I hereby circumcise every dead Mormon. In the name of the Father, and that's it. (Snips hot dog tip). Mormon tov! (tosses it in his mouth and eats it). Congratulations dead Mormons, you're now dead Jews. I just hope no one baptizes you without your permission.

Wheat Thins Sponsortunity

If Stephen’s newest sponsor doesn’t like rebels they’ve hired the wrong product peddler. He skewers the salty square makers until they crack. Which is no small feat considering the crackers themselves are surprisingly crack resistant, as the teeth of it’s consumers can attest to. Will Nabisco seek wheatribution? Perhaps in the form of another memo Stephen can use to wheattack them on air? I know, I know, these puns wear thin (okay, I could literally hear you all groan that time).

- Picture from About Health.com

Depicted above is about twice the amount of Wheat Thins Stephen is allowed to show. About 300 calories worth, which translates into about two cans of Stephen’s old sponsor, Dr. Pepper. There are currently four cans of Dr. Pepper on my coffee table. I’m not trading two cans for 34 crackers, how ’bout you?

Notable Quotables

• Wheat Thins, crunch is calling and the call is coming from inside your mouth. Get out of there!
• I know what you’re thinking, Stephen, how important could Wheat Thins be? Yeah, I used to think that way too. Until, I received this actual memo from Wheat Thins.
• No listen up. Shut up! Listen up. If you have Wheat Thins at home and I hope you do, go get ‘em and if you don’t have any go buy some. I’ll wait. Are they gone? Good ’cause I am not waiting for anyone who didn’t already have Wheat Thins.
• Now, I would love to pour this whole box in my mouth right now but the memo clearly states that we can’t show over-consumption. That is a brand “don’t”. You see the serving size for Wheat Thins is sixteen crackers. So as delicious as they are, I shouldn’t eat more than sixteen and also if they are shown out of the box, like in a bowl, there should only be a max of sixteen. So remember everyone, while When Thins is, quote a snack for anyone who is actively seeking experiences, those experiences do not include the experience of eating seventeen crackers.

Let me tell you something, you think you know Wheat Thins? F*@k you. F*@k you and the cracker you rode in on.

Okay? What's it go with? Cheese? Yes! Hummus? Sure. A discarded strip of truck tire? It can handle it.

Now I want to reiterate, I cannot say this too many times, that this is an actual memo. From Wheat Thins, that I received, and I just want to make sure you understood that Wheat Thins are not a crusader or rebel looking to change an individual paths or the world. No! That's those outside agitators over at Cheese Nips. You can't trust them. Their liable to start a riot. Out there, showing everybody their nips.

Now that I understand how much philosophy is packed into every 100% whole grain square, I gotta have me some.

This feels right. But I still want more. Whattaya say, should I go for 17?

I would like to apologize to Wheat Thins and the entire Nabisco Family of snackable products. I thought that I was building a purposeful experience relevant to the brand but I see now that I was being a crusader and/or a rebel.

Placido Domingo

My guest tonight is the most famous opera singer in the world. Even better, you're not watching PBS.

Stephen: Maestro, thank you so much! Please, sit down. Now… sir, I am enormous fan. Not only of you but of the form of opera.

Placido: Really?

Stephen: Yeah, ’cause ya get your money’s worth out of opera.

Placido: Absolutely, not enough.

Stephen: It’s pricey. It’s pricey. I love the way that you opera people just soak the snooty crowd for those ticket prices. But-but you really give the people something for their money. Like you’re bursting into tears fifteen minutes in and the leading lady dies for like, four hours. What’s the longest it’s taken you to die on stage?

Placido: Well, actually, I’m just in an opera Simon Boccanegra . Now-

Stephen: I’m sorry, what?

Placido: Si-mon Boc-ca-negra

Stephen: Boccanegra? They prefer to be called Bocca Americans. Okay, go ahead, yes?

Placido: Okay, so, uh. This character, this character gets poisoned in the second act and I die in the third act. You know?

Stephen: That’s a very long poisoning.

Placido: So, this is the longest I- it take me to die.

Stephen: .. You have uh, sung uh, in the… most viewed opera of all time. Your production of Tosca seen by a billion people. Correct?

Placido: Right

Stephen: Wow! That’s one out of every six people on the planet or like, two-thirds of the Chinese. Either one.

Placido: Well, yes.

Stephen: Why is it the tenors get all the attention? Why do the tenors always get the girl? Why not the baritone?

Placido: Well, the thing is this. Because the tenors, they are the heroes. You know? And sometimes they have the good looking noble wives. You know? So they have, they have-

Stephen: You kind of look like the most interesting man in the world… I don’t always sing opera but when I do, I’m the tenor.

Placido: Yeah, of course.

Stephen: Now, I’ve got one problem with opera. Why all the European languages? Why the Italian, the Spanish, the French, the German? Why not good solid American operas? Have you ever done an American opera?

Placido: Yeah.

Stephen: Were you like, Mustafah in The Lion King..?

Placido: I have done some American operas. There are very, very good American operas also but, of course, the opera was born four hundred years ago in Europe. And, of course, starts in Italy. In Italy, then French, Russian, German, and the other, in Scandinavian countries.

Stephen: Best opera. What’s the best opera?

Placido: The best opera? Oh, I-I cannot say it.

Stephen: Rigoletto is the best opera.

Placido: Rigoletto, you love it?

Stephen: Yeah, yeah, best song. Best song.

Placido: Absolutely, the most popular song.

Stephen: Yeah, La Dona E Mobile. Number one song. Number one song of all time.

Placido: It is so known, the opera, that the whole evening they are- the public is sitting, you know? In the auditorium and when in comes (sings) “ta, ta, ta, dee, da, dah. Pah pum pa.” Everybody says, “Rigoletto!” And it is in the-

Stephen: Do they sing along? Do they sing along? Is it like a Springsteen concert?

Placido: No, they don’t sing. That would be fun. You know? Just to say, ‘come on, sing with us’.

Stephen: Exactly, come on! Do the chorus! Clap! Do you ever teach people to sing? Do you do Master classes, that kind of stuff?

Placido: I-I, sometimes I teach.

Stephen: Would you, would you teach me how to sing?

Placido: Absolutely.

Stephen: I tell you what, when we come back, Placido and I, we will opera.

Placido Domingo & Stephen Colbert – “La Donna E Mobile”

La Donna E Mobile from Lyrics007

La donna è mobile, qual piùma al vento, Woman is fickle (movable), like a feather in the wind,

muta d’accento, e di pensiero.
she changes the tone of her voice (i.e., her accents), and her thought

Sempre un amabile, leggiadro viso,
Always a sweet, pretty face,

in pianto o in riso, è menzognero.
in tears or in laughter, (she) is (always) lying

La donna è mobile, qual piùma al vento,
Woman is fickle, like a feather in the wind,

muta d’accento, e di pensier
she changes her accents, and her thoughts

e di pensier, e di pensier
and her thoughts, and her thoughts

Eye Candy

© Placido Domingo's Facebook