Colbert News Hub

EPISODE NUMBER: 8061 (February 22, 2012)
GUESTS: Rep. Nancy Pelosi
WRITER CAMEO: Frank Lesser
SEGMENTS: Stephen’s Lenten Sacrifice | The Word – Surrender to a Buyer Power | Better Know a District – California’s 8th | Sign Off – Conquistador Sacrifice
SUIT REPORT: Black pinstripe suit| Light blue shirt | Gray squarey striped tie | Ashes
VIDEOS: Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Temporarily Abstaining is Mildly Difficult to Do

Stephen’s come a long way, baby. For what seemed like forever Minority Democratic Leader Pelosi gave him the cold shoulder and pretended like she didn’t know him, even when he toasted her as “Madam Glam” at the Glamour Magazine awards a few years back. Last night she appeared on the Report all smiles on her 25th anniversary of public service, no less, to seek his support of her DISCLOSE Act. And now, we are going to a have a glut of new BKADS to enjoy. With the Dems’ participation in the series, we’ll have a lot more cocaine and prostitute enjoying coming our direction once again, to be sure.

Overall, I thought she did a smashing job with Stephen. She has greatly progressed in it-gettery since her House Speaker days.

I am saddened that Stephen has given up the joy of conquistador high-fiving, although it gave Frank Lesser an excuse to dress up like a curly-haired Don Quijote. It was quite endearing, actually.

The Word was just fantastic, and a great topic, too. It is kind of creepy when you are checking out and those “suggestive” coupons print out after your purchase. Sometimes, you just have to let go and let Target.

Intro

Tonight! It’s the beginning of Lent. Luckily, I didn’t give up thunderous applause.

My guest is House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. But if she’s here, who’s getting nothing done in Congress?

Stephen’s Lenten Sacrifice

Time-honored Catholic Traditions

Last year I gave up something truly important to me as a Catholic: being Catholic. It was tough, it was tough, but I did get some great Bar Mitzvah gifts.

I still haven’t figured out what I am going to give up this year. I was going to go with the classic, chocolate. But that’s impossible since the introduction of mint dark chocolate M & Ms. I mean I love God and everything, but these things are like crack.

"Speaking of which, I definitely can't give up crack. That stuff is highly addictive, yet reasonable priced."

But I’ve go to find something to sacrifice that I both enjoy and know I can stick to giving up.

Nation, and (God) Nation, I, Stephen Colbert, do solemnly swear to give up high-fiving conquistadors.

I know what you are thinking, why not something easier, like fist-bumping lions? But as America’s most famous Catholic, I need to set a good example.

I’m so sorry Don Diego Juan Carlos. It’s just that I made a very specific promise to God.

Man, I am going to have to smoke so much crack to forget about this.

The Word – Surrender to a Buyer Power

Folks, there was a time when Americans lived in small communities. Neighbors would look out for each other, lend you a cup of sugar, help you paint the house, band together to drive out the Irish.

But these days with big cities and the internet we feel increasingly isolated, especially if you joined Google Plus.

Luckily, the free market an all knowing power that’s a little more tangible, and it brings us to tonight’s Word.

As human beings, we all crave to be known, and not just in the biblical sense. [Begettin' some.]

But there is someone who knows all about here on earth: retailers. [In Gap we trust.]

So men, for the first time, a rack might be staring at you. ['My buys are up here.']

"Yes, Target knows what websites you visit. And if you are watching this on the web, hey now know you know they know."

They can sense you’re having a baby, without even meeting you. They’re like and Obi Gyn Knobi. ['The Fetus is strong in this one.']

Just in time for “Not Going Back to School Sales” ['Who I did on my summer vacation.']

The point is, Target knew this girl better than her own father – [More like Big Brother.]

And the marketer who knows they’re in a weakened state, can scoop them up, like the gentle, loving hands of a predatory cult. [Like the Apple Store.]

They’re like a marketing strike force. [Sales Team Six.]

Yes, Target works in mysterious ways. [Why do good deals happen to bad people?]

Once you accept Target into your heart, you’ll find they’re everywhere, watching over you during the most important passages of your life. [Barcode mitzvah.]

They might not be able to stop your wife from cheating on you, but they can notice she is buying perfume and lingerie, and then send you a coupon for a hot plate for your new studio apartment. [And 20% off age of next girlfriend.]

And they cannot keep your son from being gay, but when they find out before he does, they can send him a DVD. Because I believe Season 2 of Glee is not a choice. [Santana is such a bitch!]

Retail Nation, take solace in the fact that Target will always be there in the most troubled times. When you look back on the beach of your life and see only one set of footprints, you weren’t alone, that was when was selling you flip flops. [Birkenstalkers.]

BKAD- California’s 8th & Nancy Pelosi

"Why are women so obsessed with controlling their own bodies?"

"If I support the Disclose Act, will you encourage the Democratic of the House of Representatives to do my Better Know a District series? "

Sign Off – Conquistador Sacrifice

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