February 14, 2012 — William Broad

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8057 (February 14, 2012)
GUESTS: William Broad
SEGMENTS: Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show 2012 | Contraception Crusade | Tip/Wag – Gay Building Marriage & Transportation Safety Board Cell Phone Ban | Sign Off – Stephen’s Friend Lou
SUIT REPORT: Navy striped suit | White shirt | Soft-gray patterned tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Stephen mouths 'I love you' to the audience on Valentine' s Day.

This Valentine’s Day episode was at points steamy, with a colorfully illustrated critique of the Catholic Church’s (and conservative politicians’) crusade against artificial birth control, and at times giddy, with a lot of small character breaks, and references to new friend of the Nation, Lou Dog. I really want to go and have Cargaritas with that guy, but only if Stephen is tending bar. He makes the best Cargaritas, when he is not making calls with his feet.

Absurdity seemed to be the dish of the day, with a demonstration of a guillotined banana (we are getting back to those banana demos, again, aren’t we?) and with the story of the Seattle woman determined to (gay) marry a building.

We concluded with a discussion about yoga with Bill Broad. We bloggers are well renowned for our athleticism and flexibility, so I have sooo much to add to the discussion on that. If you’ll excuse me, I am going to continue doing my favorite stretch, the sedentary blog posting double down…or something like that.

What did y’all think of this episode, the last of the week? Be sure to show it some love in the comments.

Quotables

Intro

Tonight! Catholic groups are forced to provide contraceptives. But the Pope wants his hat to be the only thing with the reservoir tip.

Then, will cell phones be banned in cars? I’ll call you with the answer on the way home.

And my guest, Bill Broad, has written a book about the science of yoga. He is about to meet the most inflexible person in the world!

Arizona turns 100 today, finally catching up with most of its residents. This is The Colbert Report!

Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show 2012

Stephen surveys the Valentine's Day crowd.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Nation! You made an excellent choice ending your night with me. I am a powerful aphrodisiac. I am like a human oyster, only, with less muscle tone.

I love [the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.] I love it! The pageantry, the excitement, the sexual tension. I mean, when is that Anatolian sheep dog and that judge’s leg gonna do it already?

For more, we got to Fox News’ wired hair Pinscher. Speak, Shep, speak!

I know that all dogs go to heaven, but I hope there is a separate section for these uggos.

"I often say 'awww' when I am disgusted too."

Now don’t get me wrong, I am sure shelter dogs are wonderful in their own way, they’re just not kennel club material. These dogs are the canine 1%; the job creators for groomers, trophy makers, and judges that fondle ball sacs.

I mean, shelter dogs are a canine underclass, relying on the dog catcher’s safety net to take care of their out of wedlock puppies. Get a job!

It is the same pure bred mission that led to such a strong stock of European royals.

How sad that they had to put down the Duke of Gloucester for hip displaysia.

So bravo, Westminster Kennel Club, for keeping your standards unsullied by the mixed breeds, I lift my leg to you.

Contraception Crusade

Stephen accepts a burst of applause after a great segment: "You've got to let them love you sometimes."

Folks, I have often warned you that President Obama is an anti-religious zealot, which is surprising, since he is also a devout secret Muslim.

Now he is launching a vengeful crusade against the Catholic Church, which is especially hurtful, because vengeful crusades….kinda our thing.

"Translation: Obama is forcing priests to hand out condoms at mass, and I am outraged, as a Catholic. No, no. I am outraged as THE Catholic."

I’d say if Jesus wanted everyone to have insurance, he would have been crucified on a blue cross, blue shield.

There is nothing we American Catholics enjoy more than defending the Church’ s stance on contraception. It is a central tenant of our faith, as deeply held as our belief in marble, Jesus on snack foods, and unintentionally sexy school uniforms.

See, for Catholics, sex isn’t just two drunk strangers getting their freak on at closing time, it is the mystical union of two people, inspired to create new physical life, while God adds a soul in a devine and ineffably beautiful three way.

So, when you use contraception, you are not only sinning, you are c**kblocking the Almighty.

(Defensively) I got God’s back on this one.

But Catholic Bishops are especially angry, because paying for contraceptives contradicts a belief those bishops hold dear: that Catholics don’t use birth control, which isn’t easy, because 98% of Catholic women use birth control. The other 2% are nuns.

Now I know you may be wondering, if I, Stephen, Colbert, practice birth control, yes-I-do. I use natural Church-approved birth control. It’s like holding in a sneeze. I’ll keep practicing, I’ll get it one day.

But that’s only 62% of [Catholic Charities] total revenue, after taxes…that’s still 62%, because they don’t pay taxes.

And while that money came from all of the tax payers, most of whom aren’t Catholic, once the Bishops lay their hands upon that secular cash, it is transubstantiated into Bishop Bucks, the cash-flow of Christ, which means the money now holds the beliefs of the Catholic hierarchy, and can be spent only on items only approved at the highest levels, like massive legal settlements.

And as fellow Catholic Rick Santorum points out, this puts us on a narrow, nay, lubricated slope…to tyranny!

(Hold hands close together) Here’s covering copays for birth control, here’s beheading. It’s that close.

So if Catholic institutions, ilke myself, are going to be forced to provide contraceptives, I think we better be sure that they using them the way that Obama wants:

"This is Obama's attack on religion!"

A Banana Briss: "Mazel Tov!"

"That tastes like freedom! We'll be right back."

Tip/Wag:

I’ve always said, people who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Also, they should put some pants on. This is Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger!

Folks, I have never been a fan of Seattle. For one thing, they have totally ripped off New York’s idea of having a Starbucks everywhere.

You know what they say, “once you fall in love with a building, if you like it, then you shoulda put a wing on it. ”

I mean, in college, we all experimented with architecture. I had a huge crush on our dorm bathroom, and let me tell you, that thing was built like a brick s**thouse.

"That building is a lesbian! That is why I am giving a wag of my finger to gay building marriage! Don't tell me you can't find any good male structures in Seattle. C'mon, look at the Space Needle. That thing is hung like the Chrysler Building. "

"We all know that woman on female building is just a slippery slope to man on doghouse."

Unfortunately, not everyone embraces America’s God-given right to tear down the highway while texting your best friend Lou Dog.

Sup Lou Dog! The dog is loose! Ruff! That is the dog. You do not want to let him off the chain.

That’s why I am giving a wag of my finger to the nervous nellies at the NTSB.

What! [Ban] all electronic devices, even my dashboard blender? How am I supposed to make my famous Cargaritas?

"Worst of all, this would even cover hands-free devices. You're telling me I learned to dial with my feet for nothing?"

If you want to talk while driving, I am proud to introduce my new patented cell phone case, Stephen Colbert’s Hive Talkin ™, which is a bee’s nest filled with hundreds of angry yellow jackets.

"Now you'll never lose the right to call your wife and say, 'honey, want me to pick up anything at the grocery? Oh my God, bees in my mouth! Bees in my mouth!'"

Interview

Nice little sen-sei move here.

In Defense of Yoga

Sign-Off: Stephen’s Friend Lou

Lou Dog, not to be confused with friend-of-the-show Snoop Dog.

Bonus Gorgeous Picture

4 thoughts on “February 14, 2012 — William Broad

  1. I think I enjoyed everything about this show! I was particularly pleased Stephen addressed the “Contraception Crusade” nonsense. Of all the stupid election year “issues” this has to be the stupidest. TWENTY-EIGHT STATES (and Catholic institutions in those states) HAVE BEEN USING THIS RULE FOR YEARS! EVEN GEORGIA! AWAKE UP! Sorry for yelling. The condom on the soon to be executed banana and the line about c**k-blocking the almighty were special favorites.
    I also loved his ad-lib during the dog segment, “Yes. I often say Aww when I’m disgusted too.” :)

    Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +3

    • At the end of the show, he had Lou-Dogg sitting next to him for the sign-off, but I’m not sure who he is. I would guess he is a member of the staff, maybe the camera or equipment crew?

      Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +1

  2. I was waiting for Stephen to talk about the contraception coverage issue, and with a banana in tow, he did not disappoint! For one, I was happy to hear that the phrase “c**k-blocking” was not censored last night. I also appreciated how both TDS and TCR touched on the fact that the majority of people speaking out against the use of contraception are males. That just makes me laugh. And also frustrates me.

    The interview with William Broad was surprisingly enjoyable. I do not do yoga, but I can safely say that exercising regularly makes me a happier person. And whenever I stretch before bed and take a few minutes to just breathe, I do actually sleep better and feel more relaxed.

    For anyone who did not watch TDS last night, they did an utterly brilliant segment about the new changes regarding women serving closer to the front line in the military. Jon’s opening piece about it was great and Samantha Bee’s commentary was hilarious and well-done.

    Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +4

And that's the Word!