The Colbert Report writer Frank Lesser has written two new Christmas themed humour pieces. The first ‘You Better Not Pout’ a dark humour piece, and the second ‘A Christmas Classic with an Occupy Twist: God Bless Us, Every 1 Percent’ a satirical piece featuring a business savvy Ebenezer Scrooge.
You Better Not Pout.
This may be tough for you to hear, Billy—but there is no Santa Claus. I should clarify: There was a Santa Claus, and he brought joy to all the children in the world who believed in him, but last Christmas Eve he was murdered during an attempted sleigh-jacking.
You’re old enough for the whole truth: Santa didn’t die immediately. Even though the second bullet pierced his lung, it missed his belly that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly, and the coroner believes he could have pulled through if the gunshots hadn’t spooked his reindeer, who trampled him to death. Rudolf’s nose wasn’t the only thing disturbingly red that night.
Tragically, when Blitzen tried to shield Santa’s body from the other reindeer’s hooves, he broke a leg and had to be put down.
And this is the toughest part, so I hope you’re sitting down: It was all your fault. You just had to have that Nerf gun.
Full Article: McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
A Christmas Classic with an Occupy Twist: God Bless Us, Every 1 Percent.
Ebenezer Scrooge was alphabetizing unpaid mortgages on Christmas Eve when the ghost of his late business partner Jacob Marley appeared, moaning and rattling his chains. “Great, another protester,” Scrooge muttered, before shouting, “Cratchit!,” at which point his clerk burst through the door in riot gear and pepper-sprayed Marley in his ashen face.
“Sorry, Jacob,” Scrooge said as the ghost writhed upon the floor, “but I learned a few things after dealing with the urchins camping outside my office. Incidentally, you can’t stay on the floor — I need to keep it clear so it can be cleaned. Cratchit?”
Cratchit splashed a bucket of grayish water on the ghost, and Marley melted away into the floorboards.
“You owe me one, Bob,” Scrooge said to his impoverished clerk. “Even though it seemed like he was coming after me, he was really coming to raise your taxes.”
Marley’s ghost reappeared an hour later with an ice pack over his eyes. He locked the door this time, then turned his infernal aspect upon Scrooge and said in a grave voice, “Ebenezer Scrooge, tonight you will be visited by three ghosts.”
Full Article: The Washington Post.