November 16, 2011 — Chris Matthews

The Colbert Report Episode Guide EPISODE NUMBER: 8023 (November 16, 2011)
GUESTS: Chris Matthews | Danny (Pepper Spray Kid)
SEGMENTS: Intro | Newt Gingrich’s Greek Cruise | Tip/Wag – Pin Ups for Ron Paul, Movie Torture Tactics & Offensive Merchandise | Elderly Occupier Pepper Sprayed | Colbert Report Bedtime Stories – Dragon & Wizard
SUIT REPORT: Navy suit | White shirt | Deep purple be-spotted tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Tonight’s episode totally brought it, the gloves were definitely off, with a reality check on Newt’s Greek Isle adventure, a libertarian smack down, and an illustration of excessive force that left Stephen sightless (but go-gurtful.)


From The Intro :

Tonight, a new justification for water boarding. Now, it Brita-filtered.

Seattle police pepper spray the elderly. Hey, it’s just nice someone visited.

North Korea is opening up for tourists. You’ll come for the Kim Chi, you’ll stay because you can’t leave.

From Newt’s Greek Cruise

It’s Wednesday, so that means it’s time for a new GOP front runner.

It makes sense that Gingrich is rising. He is the only candidate who appears to be made out of dough.

We have some actual footage of the economic summit and information about the greek debt crisis aboard the luxurious Seaborne Odyssey, rubbing elbows and white gloves with your average yorgos, on the red carpet, on the all-you-can-swill mimosa buffet, and the roman baths.

And Newt’s explanation of his all-you-can-research booze-cruise puts any of his so called “scandals” in a new light….[for example] the three wives, two of which he cheated on, one of which while she had cancer, was not gay.

From Tip/Wag

Friend of the show and libertarian bridge troll Ron Paul…

[Commenting on a Libertarian Ron Paul Calendar] For next year might I suggest a sexy Betsy Ross, sewing a flag labelled “cap and trade,” while a FDA Frankenstein sneaks up on her, with a knife labelled “social safety net,” and a net labelled “debt,” while they are on a high wire of freedom, over a bubbling lava pit labelled “free school lunches.”

Who is the government to tell me when to celebrate the 4th of July! And why are we letting the government regulate the number of days in a year? It would make sense to go to a decimal system, which Austrian economist Ludwig van Mieses has proven would save us 6.7 hecta-hours per kilo-annum.

"A true libertarian calendar would be one page: the bottom would be blank so the free market can decide what day it is, and the top would just be a mirror, because you are the only one who matters."

Hello Mr. November, got anything on down there? Oh, oh.

Personally, I can’t wait for Herman Cain’s calendar, which features the sexy silhouettes of 12 women he paid to stay anonymous.

Fine, if I don’t read about it or understand it I can still say [waterboarding] is a lung-jacuzzi.

I need no further proof that waterboarding is effective and necessary than the fact that it was used on Demi Moore. That movie came out 14 years ago and she still looks incredible. We should call it cougar boarding.

[From Forever 21 controversy] That’s right: they so angry they hate you long time. (need grab)

This stunned market watchers that Abercrombie sold clothing.

They so angry they hate you long time.

This stunned market watchers that Abercrombie sold clothing.

If you really want to make some real money, I say cut out the middle man, and sell your own discontinued, racist merchandise. With hit phrases like, “Not squinting, just Korean,” and “Mulattos have mixed feelings,” which of course comes in a poly-cotton blend.

"I promise, these products will fly off the shelves, almost as fast as the bricks fly through your window."

From Elderly Occupier

Now spraying an 84 year old woman sounds harsh, until you learn that she was 4’10”. She could have gotten underneath their guard and pinched their cheeks! Or pelted them with a Wether’s original!

And some have criticized spraying a pregnant woman, but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two. I don’t see why they didn’t cuff that tiny protester occupying her womb.
Just another lazy do nothing mooching off the system: free room, free board, and free Mozart for the next nine months. Get a job. I say you got time to gestate, you got time to collate.

You see, being agonizingly blinded by pepper spray is fun for the whole family.

And perfectly harmless. To prove it, I am going to demonstrate right here, on my show.

Now Danny, are you ready to get pepper sprayed?

Danny: What’s happening?

The Seattle police say it’s harmless to pepper spray a 10 year old boy.

Danny: Do you have to?

Yeah, I would do it to rabbit, but then I would have PETA on my ass. And after we are done, I will give you this delicious go-gurt as a reward.

Are you allergic to pepper oil?

Danny: I don’t know.

Let’s find out.



The high price of comedy: sometimes you have to go-gurt yourself.

Interview Quotables

Ask not what this book plug can do for him, but what he can do for his book plug.

We may not agree on many things, but I admire your ability to keep words coming out of your mouth. When’s the last time you breathed in?

Chris Matthews: Can’t afford to do that.

By coming on, you have admitted that my half hour show has more pull than your entire network, you realize that. I accept your surrender.

CM: Your audience is a little younger than mine, I wanted them to know that we once had a hero as President.

Can you imagine how [Jack Kennedy] would do on the amazing race?

There’s got to be 300 books out there about this cat. How is he elusive?

CM: He lived his life in compartments…and that’s how he survived.

If you want to sell books, shouldn’t this [book] be titled Jack Kennedy the Teenage Vampire?

CM: He had the last rites [multiple times].

So he was a sacrament hog. He didn’t leave any for the rest of us.

I grew up with icons of him in my house, because he was a Catholic. I thought he might be a saint.

CM: He was hero, and he saved this country….this guy got us through the Cold War without having a nuclear war.

Who’s the next Kennedy, is it Gingrich?

CM: HA! (CN’s note: I think Matthews’ laugh is trademarked.)

From the Sign Off – Colbert Report Bedtime Stories – Dragon & Wizard:

Colbert Report’s Bedtime Story

Once Upon a Time,
there was a handsome prince named Dragon. Now it just so happened that in Dragon’s kingdom, there lived a fearsome dragon named Wizard. So Dragon went to the town wizard, named Town Drunk, to ask for help. So Town Drunk put a spell on the town drunk named Prince, which made Prince look like a female dragon for the purpose of confusing Wizard. The next thing you know, Wizard the dragon flew down to meet Prince, now a dragon, thanks to Town Drunk the wizard, at which point, the great wizard Town Drunk cast a spell banishing Wizard forever, and Dragon was pleased.

"Plot flow charts and dramatist's personae available on request."

What did you think of episode? Do share your thoughts in the comments!

  • Mr. Arkadin

    I was so glad to see Stephen and TCR go after the police brutality in Seattle. Loved the line about the Werther’s hard candy!
    I’d say it’s amazing that police would go after an old woman and a pregnant lady, but I’m not. It’s so disgusting what this nation let’s occur in the name of “law and order.”
    Also, I have to say I’ve been bitterly disappointed in TDS and it’s coverage of OWS. Especially in comparison to TCR. Which hasn’t endorsed OWS. But when there’s be some kind of horrible over reaction by the police, TCR has consistently been there to point it out and (in it’s way) attack it. After another anti-OWS segment by TDS last night. I’ve given up on that show having anything worthwhile to say about OWS. People are actually trying to change the world and Jon reaction is to shrug his shoulders and say,”Oh, their so theatrical.” I don’t know what’s happened to that show!?!

    • Erika

      I completely agree with you about TDS! Remember too, the lame joke about Tony Balogna that went on WAY longer than it should have. It’s just not the same show as it used to be, in my opinion. I don’t need them to be champions of my causes, but they are taking the easy road on a lot of stories with obvious jokes that aren’t even very funny, especially when it comes to Occupation Wall Street. There’s been a couple good moments here and there, but they used to be much more consistent.

      On a brighter note, my god is The Colbert Report good now!

    • Caroline

      Totally agree, Mr. A. I don’t even watch TDS Occupy Wall Street segments any more. They have really missed the boat on this one.

      I have noticed TCR has done more OWS pieces since Stephen visited Zuccotti Park in person recently (dressed in that hilarious, but effective disguise). OWS is easy to dismiss, if you’ve never gone down there and checked it out yourself. But once you have actually seen it, you realize its power and potential. That’s how I got involved. I think it touched Stephen, too.

      By the way, hundreds of people from across the state were at Occupy Albany NY today. Great crowd and energy. I met people from as far away as Buffalo (a five and a half hour drive!)

    • Karenatasha

      True. He’s been strong on the Republican debate, but not this. I think that’s because Jon does best criticizing how the the media covers issues, not necessarily the issues themselves.

      And Jon does indeed seem to get “caught up” in the stupidest jokes, letting silly sounds and meaningless digs go on way too long. That’s fine in certain situations, but not when he’s covering a serious issue. Stephen knows how to separate the two, staying firmly on-target with pointed zingers for something like OWS or bad lawmaking, but loosening up when dealing with…oh, well, push-pops for desserts, let’s say!

  • lockhart43

    I finally recognized Danny from the pepper spray segment. It’s fifth grader and small businessman Andy Gellman!

    Did anyone else love the sign-off as much as I did? It was hilariously strange.