November 14, 2011 — Thomas Thwaites

The Colbert Report Episode Guide EPISODE NUMBER: 8021 (November 14, 2011)
GUESTS: Thomas Thwaites | Bill McKibben
SEGMENTS: CBS Snubs Michele Bachmann | Keystone XL Pipeline – Bill McKibben |Vodka Tampons | Sign Off – Leaf Blower
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | Gray shirt | Gray tie
VIDEOS: Monday, November 14, 2011

Tonight’s episode was all about off the rails hilarity, from the Iron Man costume reference, to Stephen’s Howard Beale-like rage over a new fad sweeping the nation, to styrafoam cascades and leaf blowing, to Mr. Thwaites attempts to get Stephen to admit to his Sarah Palin fantasies.

I think all of us live in silent terror of the “Reply All” button, but in this case, maybe it is a reality check for the Bachmann campaign. At some point, in the next 20, 30 years or so, the Republican debates will end, and we’ll have to vote for a candidate. And poll numbers will count at that time, I am afraid.

I thought Mr. McKibben did a nice job in the interview. The segment on the pipeline was very enlightening. It’s funny how looking at the opposition’s view helps you to understand the pros and cons of such an immense project. I think Obama is wise to let this quandary emit carbon emissions on the back burner for now.

Thomas Thwaites made for an interesting guest. I don’t really think he needed to smelt his own iron ore to discover how a toaster is made, but as Stephen says, there are no mistakes, only discoveries.

Congratulations to writer (and beleaguered “intern”) Jay Katsir on his new son, Ezra Max. Enjoy him, and we hope to see you back on the Report getting sexually harassed very soon.

What did you think of the show? Lend us your thoughts in the comments.

Quotables

From The Intro :

Tonight, is the environmental movement dead? It is if it lives on a coral reef.

I reveal a form of substance so frightening, you’re going to want to take a Xanax.

And my guest Thomas Thwaites took nine months to build a toaster from scratch. His Bed & Breakfast should be open in the year 2021.

The new Italian prime minister has passed austerity measures. He’s going to cut back to one bunga.

From Indecision 2012- Cc: Michele Bachmann

After that warm greeting, not only are you welcome here, you’re first here.

I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack, in that they will devastate black communities.

The big news was that a woman was mistreated, and Herman Cain had nothing to do with it.

“Now we’ve all been there. One slip of the mouse, and the wrong person gets that photo of you in the crotchless Iron Man costume. Again, my apologies to Doris Kearns Goodwin. And my apologies to No Shave November.”

To add insult to injury, a piece of s*** is polling higher than Michele Bachmann.

Everyday the mainstream media denies air time to millions of people who will not be president.

CBS is clearly biased, asking more questions of the left wing candidates, like Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, and Newt Gingrich. Three of these comrades don’t even want to electrocute Mexicans.

Luckily, Bachmann has turned this outrage into an outrage-portunity.

Bachmann needs your donations, because not only does the media have a liberal bias, but evidently, so does money.

From Keystone XL Pipeline – Bill McKibben

“I’ve got some great news, we solved the global warming crisis!”

“My script seems to be missing.”

So how did we do it…? The best answer is always the simplest: we stopped caring.

And it’s all the sweeter knowing that this oil is coming from Canada. I mean, who hasn’t looked at their hot neighbor and thought, yeah, I’d tap that?

And those number comes fresh from the pipeline experts built from their ass to the airwaves.

Barack Obama has delayed approval of the pipeline, killing billions of jobs, because he is kowtowing to environmental lung-nazis who protested in front of the White House last week.

Are you celebrating the loss of jobs? Do you have a hybrid vehicle that runs on broken dreams?

Bill McKibben: Real jobs come when we get off of Big Oil…

(Stephen obnoxiously interrupts.)

The second largest deposit of oil after Saudi Arabia…and you’re against it? That gives me a jobs boner.

BM: [Nasa's leading climatologist] said that, tap into that deposit, and it’s essentially game over for the climate.

You’re looking at the glass half-empty, I am saying it’s half full, of carbon.

And it’ll be half full of water. (He cites recent flooding in his state of Vermont.)

You’re from Vermont. Did you ride your bicycle down here, or ox cart? Or do you have a vehicle that runs on hypocrisy, how did you get down here?

BM: I hope that this movement we’re building, people willing to go to jail, people sitting in outside the White House, and all the other things, will be making a difference [to make up for his own carbon footprint.]

They’re getting the oil from the oil sands. On the upsides, doesn’t that leave nice, clean sand, which Alberta will need for waterfront property in 50 years.

From Vodka Tampons

Yesterday Jay the Intern welcomed his son, Ezra Max, into the world. I would like to extend my heartfelt congratulations to Jay and his family, and an even more heartfelt “Where. are. you.” I had to get my own coffee, and I don’t remember how I take it.

I am just as cute as Ezra. I can do everything he can do. I can eat sleep, I can eat, I can soil myself. And my fontanel hasn’t closed either.

Being a parent is a sublime and beautiful adventure, filled with unexpected joys and unimaginable terror.

This is happening, and this is everywhere, a high school security cop who heard about it, that means it’s true.

No wonder the women in these commercials look so happy. They’re hammered!

Again, everywhere in America, boys are soaking tampons in vodka and literally getting drunk off their asses.

Howard Beale-like rage

Everyone, everyone, wake up! Wake up, America, everyone is doing this! If you with a teenage boy right now, chances are, they have a vodka soaked tampon in their butt!

…for God’s sake, if you soak your tampons in Tequila, don’t salt the rim.

Interview Quotables

Kids: Do Not Smelt at Home

Admiring the Finished Product

13 thoughts on “November 14, 2011 — Thomas Thwaites

  1. Glad to see Stephen’s feeling better! And looking incredibly crisp and utterly fantastic! Seriously. From his haircut all the way down to his shiny, shiny shoes. XD

    This episode had enough jokes to fill an entire week of shows. But my absolute favorite was: “I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack, in that they will devastate black communities.” I can’t believe Stephen made it that far into the second segment without completing losing it. That literally had me rolling around my bed with laughter! What a great character break, and I especially loved that you could see him laughing as they cutaway to commercial.

    Congrats to Jay, my favorite intern! What a joyous episode.

    Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +4

  2. I was already rolling but “Don’t salt the rim” threw me into hysterics. I love how he tries to stop himself from completely losing it by getting louder and angrier.

    That old Firstier commercial he did was on the front page of Reddit yesterday, so I assume someone in the audience asked about it sparking that comment at the beginning. And speaking of audience, was anyone else distracted by that one guy’s laugh? My god!

    Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +5

    • That commercial being on Reddit would explain a lot, like why a friend of mine posted it on my facebook last night wondering if I’d seen it. I responded by telling her how phenomenal Stephen’s voice is and how badly I’d like to hear him narrate for the History Channel…or read from a phonebook, whichever. :P

      Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +3

    • “And speaking of audience, was anyone else distracted by that one guy’s laugh? My god!”

      It was so odd and distracting that I started to think it was a put-on, by some guy trying to get noticed by his friends watching at home!

      Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +6

    • My husband almost stopped watching, despite how good the episode was, because of that guy’s laugh!!!! WOW that was annoying!

      Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +4

      • I actually did stop watching after the first commercial break, was hoping the psycho laugh would stop but there it was again!

        I generally find laugh tracks (or live audience) to be annoying in sitcoms but never until this episode did I have a problem with Daily Show or Colbert Report.

        Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +3

    • It’s so funny that I was able to google “colbert report annoying laugh november 14th” and be directed to this site where I find people who think exactly the same as me! I can’t believe they didn’t kick the guy out or tell him to tone it down. So distracting.

      Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +7

      • Haha! Same!
        Had to stop watching and I googled “colbert report november 14 annoying laugh”
        Boot him!

        Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +4

  3. I also loved the vodka tampons segment. It’s true – local news shows can be hilariously alarmist in an attempt to boost ratings. I also liked how the school security guy, who they kept quoting as if he were an expert, insisted on spelling *everything* out. It wasn’t enough for him to claim that teenage guys were also using the alcohol-soaked tampons, he had to say exactly where they were putting them! Hmmmm, he seemed to know a lot about the subject! :)

    “Jay the Intern’s” baby is adorable. Can someone remind me – is “Jay” one of the writers?

    Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +1

    • “It’s true – local news shows can be hilariously alarmist in an attempt to boost ratings.
      I also liked how the school security guy, who they kept quoting as if he were an expert, insisted on spelling *everything* out. It wasn’t enough for him to claim that teenage guys were also using the alcohol-soaked tampons, he had to say exactly where they were putting them! Hmmmm, he seemed to know a lot about the subject!”

      I don’t think it’s right for you to make light of this, Caroline. Unless you’ve seen teenage boys staggering around, slurring their f@rts. You can’t possible understand the heartbreak of this national epidemic.

      Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +5

      • “Slurring their f@rts” Love it!

        I apologize for my insensitivity, Mr. Arkadin.

        Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +2

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