August 1, 2011 — Tony Hsieh

The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 7099 (August 1, 2011)
GUESTS: Tony Hsieh
SEGMENTS: Intro – 8/1/11 | “Three Billy Goats Gruff” Budget Negotiations | The Word – With Great Power Comes No Responsibility | From Ashes to Bullets | Tony Hsieh | Sign Off – Sneakers
SUIT REPORT: Black Suit | White Shirt | Navy/Red Striped Tie | Grey Sneakers
VIDEOS: Monday, August 1, 2011

What is a white brony? Hazard a guess on that, anyone? Monday night’s solid offering featured perfunctory Debt-Ceiling talk illustrated with a less than family friendly fable. The Word segment further expounded on the current status of our much maligned government, particularly with this troubling talk of a “Super Congress.” Why should we “super” anything in government? I do not know of private citizens who are offered the ability to do their jobs with total immunity: we all have to make decisions, and need to be held accountable to them, whether we are janitors or professors or congressmen, for that matter.

Jumping off the soapbox now.

Tony Hsieh turned out to be a great interview. I think all of us have heard the buzz on Zappos’ business model. What do you think? How important is corporate culture in influencing employee behavior? I work with a lot of people in my line of work, and can assure you, it is important to consider the psychology of your staff to get a job well done.

Well, lots to talk about. Comment up!


–I don’t know whether congress has passed the compromise plan to raise the ceiling, or whether we defaulted, and you are watching this from a cave eating squirrels that you were cooking over a pile of U.S. treasury bonds.

–Personally, I am betting on default, which is why I spent the weekend bottling my own urine to use as drinking water. Remember, you want to run it through the Brita three times. After that, you’re golden! Or rather you’re not.

–This is the best deal- the kind Democrats hate.

–For the Democrats, this is a Satan-sandwich. A Beelz-BLT.

–This is a victory. But it could have been so much more victorier! What about a balanced budget amendment? What about a tax cut? What about making Obama eat a bug? I believe that’s in the tea party platform.

–Now everybody had seen this exact matchup in 1995 and knew a troll could win by eating the goat, and then celebrating by having sex with a troll-intern. You get a college credit in bridge keeping.

–The moral of the story is: when the first goat comes along, you have to tear its head off, have sex with the neck hole, and then mail the carcus back to its brothers and say, ‘Any of you other goat m*******s want to put a hoof in my bridge?’ The end. By the way, I am available for children’s parties.

–When it comes to balancing budgets, Democracy is just not up to the job. It was good enough to defeat Hitler, and defeat the Russians, but it’s not good at math.

–That is hard, because Grandma votes [by accident at the ATM.]

–I’m ready for the Super-Congress [Legion of Doom-ocracy.]

–This is great, because the real problem with congress has been too many reasonable people. [You lie!]

–Only when congress has no accountability, can they lead this country back to personal responsibility.

–Folks, I am doing everything I can do ward off the cold hand of death. That is why I wake up early in the morning and eat three packs of Oscar Mayer cold cuts. I am slowly curing my organs in nitrates, so they have a shelf life of eternity.

–This is a genius business model. You put 250 rounds into the hands of a devastated family member, in an unstable emotional state, and someone might get shot. Boom! New customer, who his family can honor by turning into bullets to avenge his death. Cha-ching!

–He may not be with them at the meal, but chances are, there are bits of him in the meal.


–You said you value weirdness. Are you looking for a guy who comes in with a pet snake on his shoulders, and he starts rapping in Esperanto?

–Is this a cult? Are you Dear Leader Father? Do you have child brides?

–As a Catholic, I have been taught to value suffering. Can you deliver suffering?

–What if you don’t let anyone make eye contact with you?

Ridin' the White Brony

The Family Friendliest Fable on the Block

Bits of Uncle Clem in the Thanksgiving Turkey

"I'm worried about her... she needs counseling!"

Post Taping Footwear?

  • lockhart43

    “Remeber, you want to run it through the Brita three times. After that, you’re golden. Or rather, you’re not.” And my appreciation for great Report puns continues!

    It may not be eloquent and it’s definitely been said before, but it’s still true and I can’t think of any other way to say it: the TCR writers are f-ing brilliant. The way they constructed The Word tonight was classic, and one of the reasons it continues to be one of my favorite segments. And then the kicker of course is Stephen’s diction. I can’t imagine the joy one can get writing for that man.

    Is it weird that Stephen looked super cute tying his shoe during the sign-off? Because he totally did.

    • lockhart43

      Also, RE: the TDS coverage of Jon’s USO trip – I nearly cried at the end of that second segment. I can’t help but adore Jon. You’re a good man, sir. Now please, get some sleep.

      • ER

        That segment was so well done – a genuine tribute with just the right amount of humor mixed in. Wonderful! During the 1st segment of TDS, it made me think of Stephen’s summary of the congressional negotiations from last week with ‘Republicans saying “gimme, gimme, gimme” and Democrats saying “Take it, take it, take, just don’t hit me”‘

        • susan209

          Yes, I agree. I was thinking it might be nice, in light of the Republican’s recent behavior, for Stephen to send each of the Democrats a copy of his “It Gets Better” video.

  • ER

    Stephen’s storytime was so fun, so well done, and so true.
    CN Helper, I completely agree with your comment regarding the Super Congress. And besides, or rather in addition to, the immunity factor, um isn’t this what they’re in Washington to do? They’re supposed to come together representing the true interests of their constituents and ( yes, with the use of reason/rational thinking) work together to create legislation to help move the country forward in a positive direction. Now I know this is more challenging in reality (I’m not a naive idealist), but it would be nice if they could at least stop acting like children and compromise (Republicans, talking to you), even in the slightest. Susan209, great idea to show them Stephen’s video! Sorry, off soapbox now. By the way, did I say I loved The Word last night? It was perfect!

    • lockhart43

      They’re supposed to come together representing the true interests of their constituents and (yes, with the use of reason/rational thinking) work together to create legislation to help move the country forward in a positive direction.

      Oh man, wouldn’t that be nice if they did that? In theory, yes, that’s exactly what they’re supposed to do. And there are fortunately some members of Congress who live out that ideal. But for the rest of them, all they care about is getting re-elected. So they tell you that they care about your needs for a few months to get you to vote for them, and then once they get re-elected, they could care less whether or not you just lost your job. If I hadn’t learned that in an American Government class, I’d just chalk it up to me being cynical.

      I’ll get off my soapbox now, too, and tell you that I agree with you about the storytime bit! The ‘Any of you other goat m*******s want to put a hoof in my bridge?’ line was so funny!

    • colbaby

      “They’re supposed to come together representing the true interests of their constituents”

      Ah, but that would require them to think about the average everyday working folk who elected them rather than the corporations that shovel money into their pockets in exchange for favors. And we can’t have that!

      Awesome show. Can we have a new segment? “Stephen tells R-rated versions of children’s classics”? And Jon, you’re a mensch!

      • Karenatasha

        Ooh, ooh, Colbaby, I love the idea about the R-rated children’s stories! That would be pretty fantastic.

        As always, The Word was fantastic.

        TipS of the hat (tip, tip, tip) to Jon.

  • lockhart43

    Oh, and apparently a “brony” is an older, male fan of the show “My Little Pony.” So there’s that.

    • CN Helper

      You get a tip ‘o my hat for that one!